Military Gas

We were moving, officer, from Pennsylvania and we’re moving to Virginia or she’s moving to Virginia and we’re helping her move. See, this is my daughter, Laura, and my son, Bob and she just graduated and we celebrated and we moved her here and we got this U-Haul and we were low on gas and we saw this gas station and the U- Haul was low on gas so we thought we’d stop here and get some gas, maybe a snack and some beers. We weren’t trying to break any laws, we were just trying to gas up our truck.

What? No, we rented this truck, this is Laura’s stuff, we’re not stealing anything, we’re just trying to move Laura. Yes, I have the lease to the U-Haul, but why? Of course we’re American citizens. What? Terrorists? Spies? No. Look, this is a simple misunderstanding. All we wanted to do was fill up our trucks, unpack in her new apartment, return the truck, and drive home. We don’t want any trouble. We just wanted gas. Look, we’ll just … Can I identify any of the items in the truck? I can’t buy Laura can. Laura, what’s in the truck?

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She started to identify the items. Books, movies, furniture, art work, just apartment stuff. No, nothing illegal is in there. Is it okay to search in the truck? No, we spent a lot of time packing and …. You could come to my new apartment and look through my stuff when I’m unpacking it or you strong men could help me unpack; that’d be helpful. Sure, why not? You can’t do that. But you don’t have a warranty to search my U-Haul here either. This is government property. You can search on government property but not my property. We didn’t want to come on government property, we just wanted to gas up our truck.

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What if we stole government property? The U-Haul is locked. We just got out of it to gas up. Look, there’s a camera there. Check the video. Hell, we’ll even let you take pictures of our driver’s licenses. Just let us go. Interrogation? We don’t have time for an interrogation, we have to unpack Laura’s stuff, eat, shower, gas up the truck, bring another … normal moving stuff. We don’t want any trouble. We just wanted some gas and we saw a gas station and …. Do we want an attorney? No. We don’t. We just wanted 87 gas, and to do what we needed to do today.

Yes, I see that sign now, but didn’t see it before. We just saw we had a quarter of a tank, saw a gas station sign and pulled over. What’s our nationality? Why would that matter? I’m an American citizen. Here’s my driver’s license. Yes, I see now this is a Military Base. Why is there a gas station sign up if it’s not meant for the public? Why was there a sign for this gas station on the blue sign on the highway if it wasn’t meant for the public? Why wasn’t there a no trespassing sign? Why is there nothing warning us this is government property? Why wasn’t there a gate around the gas station? Are we under arrest? What? Are we or aren’t we? Great idea. In fact, I’d like to speak to your supervisor too. Go get him. Her? Fine, go get her. Are we allowed to get military coffee or is it special strong coffee meant to keep soldiers up all night? Why would there even be a military gas station? Doesn’t the army use tanks that run on diesel? So what the fuck is the army doing with a gas station on a military base. Soldiers have to drive to work too. What? They’re too good to gas up at regular gas stations? Or is like a reservation where they don’t pay taxes? Or they can buy beer here underage? Zoning? What does zoning have to do with anything? This is zoned for military? What are you talking about? There’s residential and business. There’s zoning for voting, but as far as I know, there’s no zoning for military and non military. Unless house bill 428 passed. But people break laws all the time. “All is fair in love and war” and at quarter of a tank in a gas guzzler.

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Finally, the supervisor. Look, this was a simple misunderstanding. We’re moving Laura … you already know this. Then, can we please go and gas up somewhere else? A what? Wait, you mean a citation? We have to pay for NOT getting to gas up our truck? That doesn’t even make sense. What are you idiots talking about? So, your paycheck comes from our taxes and you have the audacity that fine me for just trying to gas up this U-Haul and you still want to search it? Your job is to bully citizens? I thought your job was to serve and protect? You’re a lower ranking officer.

Sign the citation? Yes, I know it’s not an admission of guilt, but what happens if I don’t sign it? You can arrest me for obstruction or failure to comply with a lawful order? This is asinine. Fine, I’ll sign it but can I at least attend my trial via Zoom? It depends on the county? Don’t you idiots even know the rules on your own military base? Idiots.

Look, I signed it and I’m going to have to come back here since you idiots can’t afford gates or signs, but you can afford a million dollar bomb. You’re getting the money for that from innocent drivers’ tickets and my tax dollars.

So, we can leave now? Thanks. Can you recommend a gas station that isn’t on a military base, maybe? You can’t? The army has no opinions on which brand of gas we should buy as long as it isn’t yours. Any Indian Reservations around here so I won’t have to pay Uncle Sam? Bastards. God Bless America. No more standing for the pledge or the Star Spangled Banner. Have to get U-Haul to refill it.