From the ashes

Was I hallucinating? Or was that really my father?

I remember… I was watching it with my father holding his index finger with my tiny hand of a 7year old boy. Orange colours spreading over a grey canvas slowly, and smoothly from beneath the line of a sea in the horizon at a beach. The sun rises like the Phoenix bird. 

My father told me about the story of that bird, since now it was my favourite story of all time. It was the only beautiful moment I had with my father that I can remember. Maybe I'm over exaggerating the scene-- Well that how I remember it.

I'm 23years old. My name is KARNA, it's a character from Indian mythology, who is the son of SUN GOD.

My Father is a short story writer. He wrote for a magazine. He is a surrealist, his all works are fictional. Strange events that's defy logic. I wondered if any of that ever happens in real life. He died when I was 8years old. I come at this beach and watch the sunrise whenever I could. I feel he's around me everytime i'm gazing at the sun, it evokes that beautiful moment with my father. Just the way I get happy while watching the sun, I get sad as watching it setting, evokes the painful moment-- death of my father. I always wonder what it would be like if he's still alive or sometimes I wish the sun stays forever with me because of I get feel uncomfortable being at night.

After a few weeks of his death. I asked my mother that, "will he ever come back?" That's when she reminds me of the story that my father had told me before. That is…

"Once upon a time there was an ancient bird called Phoenix, long-lived that bursts into flames and then rises from the ashes. Likewise your father will come back one day like the Pheonix bird."

From that moment on, I was looking forward to the day my father would return. So naive. But I realised gradually that it was all just to make me comfort.

Today.

7:25 P.M., May 12, 2019

My mother searches through a cupboard in her room for the plane ticket (Chennai to Mumbai). She's going to Mumbai for an official business trip.

'Karna, I'm leaving. Flight takes off at 8:00 P.M. I'll call you before the take off incase you forgot to eat.'

'Mom…'

'What?… I never heard of someone who forgets to eat. Have you ever feel hungry?'

'Arg… Mom don't start again or you'll miss the flight by talking to me.'

'Bye. I'll be back on tomorrow night.' She looked at me a few seconds long before she was leaving, like something expecting from me. But I couldn't understand what it was.

A few minutes later, there's some sound from my mother's room. I went in there, the cupboard have opened. Things in that have dropped on the floor. Took them to put it back to the cupboard. There's a file among them, it was my father's, with papers written on it, more like scribbled on it. Looks like a rough ideas of one of my father's stories.

I sat on a chair beside a table to look more in that. In that papers among them has a drawing. I drew that at my 7 age.

The drawing was about a child and his father, looking at the sunrise at a beach but instead of the sun I had drawn the pheonix bird that's hardly looks anything like a bird but that's what i told to my father.

While looking at the drawing something drops from the file. It's a cigarette of my father's. I put the drawing on the table and picks up the cigarette.

My mother told me once that she doesn't like my father smoking. Whenever she have said to him to quit it, he always says that,

"It's The Navigator of Fog. In the process of my writing, whenever I get lost, it shows the path. Whenever I get confuse, it unravels the knots of chaos from my mind."

My mother said to me that, it's nothing more than an excuse of him to smoke.

I opened the drawer of the table and grabbed a match box. I have never smoked before, but want to know what's the fuzz over it. I lit the match and then the cigarette. Pulled the smoke.

Ahem… ahem…

It made me cough. But now, I feel a sensation, the stiffness of my whole body gets loosen up slightly.

Looking at the drawing on the table without a blink for a long until the black breaks the staring competition. Power gone out.

I turned on my phone's torch, looking for a candle. It's better if I find it, the phone's battery is low. Found it, a medium sized candle, it's already melted more than half of it but enough. Here power cut usually won't last for more than ten minutes, hoping it will back within half an hour.

I Striked a match stick, lighting the candle, mounted it on the table.

The Power came back.

'Fuuuu.' I blew out the candle.

The Power gone again.

Again I took a match stick and lit the candle. And again the power came back.

'You gotta be kidding me.'

Got closer to the candle, try to blow out but this time hestitated a little bit.

'I must be over thinking about it. It just a coincidence.'

Being still a little more while staring at it.

'Fuuuu.'

B L A C K N E S S,

Again.

I striked a match stick. And I couldn't believe what's happening, my eyes transfixed on the candle, my mind thinking about the loop that have happened a moments ago.

The match stick i'm holding burned out. Striked another one and lit the candle.

The tubelight over me in the room came back to life again.

My eyes still haven't get off from the candles.

'Are you trying to make me go crazy? Stop it. Stop it right now.'

What am i doing? Talking to the candle? It's best to ignore it than talking to it. But still the fact that has happened-- puzzles me.

I just leaved the room, went to the hall, took a water bottle in the fridge and started drinking it. I noticed, the main door was closed almost leaving a thin slit of gap where I could see a white line. I went by the door and opened it. I couldn't believe what i'm seeing, the street of my house are in broad day light, and the sun is hanging on top of it.

How can I ignore this?

What is happening?

I went back to the room, darkness fills the entire room as soon as i blow out the candle. I get to the main door there's no broad day light or the sun, just the moon light reflection of the street.

I lit the candle again and the street went under the light of the sun again.

I'm more happy than I'm shocked or bewildered. My brain ignored the rational thinking and starts to enjoy the moment watching the sun.

50 minutes later…

8:20 P.M.

Still watching the sun seems like it has been seconds to me but it's been almost an hour.

As I watching it, in a blink of my eyes the sun vanished, the street turned into night mode suddenly. Now I feel shocked, bewildered and my brain engaged my rational thinking.

'Wait… what happened? Why is it dark suddenly?

I went back to the room through the darkness. I can't see the candle light. As I searched for the match box on the table, my mind is occupied full of thoughts. Maybe it would be blown by the air but the fan in the room haven't turned on. My hand grasped the match box, striked a match stick. With the light from the match stick, I saw the candle melted all the way down.

My mind went blank and all thoughts have faded. The light from the match stick burned down. I started searching for a candle in the house but I couldn't find it anywhere.

Suddenly a thought came to mind, I took my father's file, the drawing paper and other things on the table to put it down by the shelf. I started picking the melted pieces of the candle and melting it down to liquid on a stove. Poured it in a tiny glass and placed a thin cotton cloth teared from my old clothes in the middle of the glass, holding it until the melted candle dries up.

Now striked a match stick and lit the candle. The candle I have made works fine. It fills the room with adequate light, other than that nothing have happened. The power never came back or the sun. The street still remains on the night mode.

I took my phone, it shows the time 8:20 P.M., three missed calls from my mother and a message in the notification bar. Probably she wants to remind me to eat. And the message is from an online shopping company, offering discounts on some products for mother's day special. I dialed my mom's number in my phone. The call didn't connect, she's on the plane right now. I stared the phone my eyes gazed at the time. It takes me a while to realize it's strangeness.

My eyes widened, finally grasped it. The time is still showing 8:20 P.M., I waited a little longer for it to change but it hasn't changed. I went to my room and picked my analog watch. It also shows the time 8:20 and another thing is the clock's seconds pin hasn't moved.

The Time has stopped when the candle melted down.

I looked at the street in the far distance, I see someone on a bike not moving and an old man standing on one leg, seems like he have freezed while walking. Everything stopped except me.

'What the hell is happening?'

I feel like my head's gonna explode. My mind calculates the condition of the situation. Now I can clearly see what just has happened.

'I lost my mother.'

I took my phone and called her again. The call didn't connect. She's on the plane. I cannot see her again, I cannot talk to her again, forever. My mind went through a thought-- Is this any different than before? I never appreciated her presence much, then how is this any different. I have been living my whole as a selfish person. It's like she had been a ghost in my whole life. I couldn't even attend when she called me.

I looked at my phone. It added extra to my regrets. Today's not only mother's day, it's her birthday too. Now I understand why she looked at me a little longer before leaving the house, she expected me to wish her happy birthday. I called her number once again. The call didn't connect.

Just for a moment I thought I get something that I can control my happiness, I can control the sun. But something hits me hard enough to realize that i get nothing except lost everything I had-- My mother.

I have been chasing my whole life for something i couldn't have rather than appreciating what I have. Now I really want to talk to my mom and wish her happy birthday but I couldn't.

I have been thinking about the thoughts that had come and gone through my mind for a while and Something strikes my mind-- Birthday!

I had a birthday candle in some box in my room. Maybe a new candle can work and resolve the situation. I went there and took it. Lit the candle and mounted it on the table. Nothing. Nothing has happened. Tears went down my eyes, no matter how much I cry it won't going to change anything. I always felt uncomfortable at night, it's all that I have with me now and will be forever.

The drawing paper on the shelf fell down. I took it, something have written on the back side. I remember, after I showed that drawing to my father he looked at it and started writing something on the back. He wrote,

"The pheonix is not just a bird from mythology, it is a symbol that represents a transformation, renewal that people need when faced with a new problems in life. They should remember that the problem they face can only be overcome by willing to kill our old inner self bursting it into flames along with our old beliefs, understandings, opinions, regrets and pains for a new one to get a new perspective of the world to face the newer and newer problems that life presents us. And from the ashes we rebirth, and that ashes is the change my son. You can't understand what i'm saying now… but you will one day in the future. So until then you only see it as just a bird."

I thought to myself, Until we burst our old inner self and ideologies…

I took the drawing and put the edge of the paper in the flame of the candle while holding it. Fire caught the drawing paper spreading slowly from bottom to top. Bits of ashes falling down the table. The fire from the paper finally reached to my fingers.

'Ahah…' I screamed. The flame from the cigarette i'm holding between my fingers came all the way down and burned my fingers.

I'm just freezed for a while, trying to grasp the moment.

I realized the room have filled with a light from the tube light over my head. Before me was the drawing paper on the table but not the candles. I took my phone it shows the time 7:40 P.M., I dialed my mom's number in it with hasten. It starts to ring, line connected.

'Hello.'

'Mom.'

'Mmm, Karna.

'Mom, I'm sorry.'

'Why? What happened?'

'I have been so selfish with my whole life. Never even spent enough time with you or appreciated the love and care you have shown me. I'm sorry mom. Happy birthday. I couldn't even remember it to wish you.

'Thank you karna, it's enough for me. And don't forget to eat before bed.'

'Yeah, Sure mom.'

'I'll call you after I reached there.'

'Bye mom.'

I have so much questions unanswered and it all had started with that drawing paper. I took it in my hand and stared at it until a thought occupied in my mind.

Was I hallucinating? Or was that really my father?

Was he trying to tell me something the whole time?

I striked a match stick.

But the important question is--

Does it really matter?

I Dipped the bottom edge of the paper on the flame.