In who's name

War never brings out the good in people.

Always the bad! Even after the soldiers are gone… who can tell who really won? Nobody ever wins! Not really.

When the euphoria of victory, the frustrations and sense of impotence among people humiliated by their country´s occupation subsides…. all to soon everything returns to “normal”, as in moral confusion and outright hypocrisy.

Leonard was in love with the most beautiful girl in the village: Camilla.

She had swept him of his feet and stolen his heart. They became an official couple: in secret! They lived in bliss in their own little bubble. The intrigue only added to the passion and the romance.

It didn´t take long for rumours to start circulating: Leonard was Jewish, and Camilla a “good” catholic girl.

In those early years after the war, people were still voicing, all be it in whispers, that all the misery they had suffered was due to Jews: if it weren´t for them, all of it would have been spared.

Leonard’s background was poor; Camilla` s family was part of the upper-class bourgeoisie: and they had decided that based on their difference in descent and heritage such a union was not to take place. It would be better for everyone!

Leonard was heartbroken, and Camilla sank into a dark depression. They didn´t see each other for a few months. Everybody thought they would eventually get over it and move on with their lives. They didn´t!

Early summer they started meeting again. They would go for long walks, professing their love for each other and trying to come up with a solution to end the agony of separation and secrecy.

They even thought of running away, but Leonard had no money, and without her father’s consent Camilla had no access to money either. Camilla swore she would never need much; still Leonard refused to drag her into a life of poverty and its inevitable misery.

One summer evening, while sitting under the crown of a large willow tree, they came up with the idea Leonard could convert to Christianism and be baptized. It would be a huge step towards her parents. They both agreed and went to see the local priest: a pious and conservative, but very narrow-minded person. He listened to their story, and he was more than happy to win over a new member to his flock. A plan for the conversion was set up…

Soon it would be harvesting time and Leonard could go work in the fields and earn some money.

The priest had prepared a whole program. Camilla´s parents were convinced that Leonard would never pass the test to Christianity, but they remained civil about the whole affair.

Camilla couldn´t be happier. Leonard´s family wasn´t so happy about the whole idea. They didn´t like the girl´s family to begin with. During the war they had been responsible for denouncing and reporting many Jewish families, who were consequently deported and, in many cases, met their deaths.

 When after the war, some of these Jews returned, Camilla’s family started spreading vicious lies and rumours about what these survivors supposedly did in the camps to avoid death. Anxious a mob might turn on them, they needed to deflect from their own collaborationist crimes, by zeroing in on accusations caught out of thin air about weaknesses and vice; leaving the returned survivors to carry a burden of shame.

Leonard´s father: Marcus was not on speaking terms with God. Years in concentration camps had left his body and spirit broken. The subject of what was done to them during the war, was never touched or spoken of. But it hung heavy in the air: very heavy!

After a few days of awkward silence, following Leonard´s news of his wish to convert, Marcus decided, that in the end; religion meant nothing to him. Not anymore. God was foresworn in his book as treacherous self-deceit. A superstition and a way to control the masses with rules set in opposition.

But he wouldn´t stand in the way of his son’s happiness. As long as the whole subject of religion and conversion was never mentioned in his presence.

One morning over coffee he said to Leonard:

“There is never really a way for a Jew to leave, or to escape Judaism. Regardless: you will always be a constitute. A separate category: always! Whichever way you turn it, you will always be the filthy Jew. Don´t think they will ever tolerate you at their dinner table.”

Leonard didn´t say anything. He finished his breakfast and left for the parish house were the priest lived.

The priest was disdainful of Leonard´s motivations and considered them dubious, he was nevertheless enamoured with winning over a Jewish soul. Leonard had bought a beautiful stack of white paper, so he could take notes and study well.

“Let´s begin to learn the truth of the gospel.” The priest said looking over his glasses. “From now on you can call me father.”

Leonard nodded enthusiastically. That was a good sign, being allowed to call somebody father.

“Are you willing to accept Jesus with all you heart, Leonard?” the priest started.

Leonard nodded again, though he was not really sure what the question meant.

“Conversion to Christianity is based on your belief that Jesus is God´s only begotten son and that he does all manners of miracles including Salvation.” The priest didn´t take his eyes off Leonard.

“Belief is not enough, Leonard. It must be your conviction.”

Leonard could barely breathe. It all sounded almost ominous. What would happen if he wasn´t able to convince himself? Of course, he almost didn´t dare to think such a thought, for fear the priest might pick up on it.

“Christianity starts with being saved!”

“Okay.” Leonard said softly while nodding his head at everything that came out of the priest’s mouth.

“Saved! Trusting Christ to save you!”

Save me from what, Leonard thought.

“Christ entails you to live a good and godly life that is pleasing to God!”

“Is it permitted to write a few lines… Father?” Leonard asked. He really needed an excuse to utter a few words. “So, I can reread and learn before I go to bed.”

The priest seemed pleased with this question and made a solemn gesture with his hand to invite Leonard to write. He bent towards Leonard, so as to be able to read what he wrote. It made Leonard nervous, and he was scared he was writing a lot of spelling mistakes. He gave the priest a shy little smile.

After a full hour, the priest said.

“Be willing to accept Jesus with all your heart!”

Leonard secretly looked at the clock behind the priest. He could not be late for work, and he was starting to get anxious and fearful that the priest might pick up on it and doubt his motivation for accepting Jesus even more than he already did.

“The New Testament is what you have to read to understand our Lord, Jesus.” The priest stood up and opened up a drawer of an antique desk. He gave Leonard a book with gilded pages.

“For me?” Leonard asked.

This time the priest nodded.

“I don´t suppose you have a copy of the good book at your house.” The sarcasm didn´t escape Leonard.

“Father, I brought nothing …. “Leonard feverishly sought for words that would demonstrate his respect and acknowledgement for this gift.

“Do you maybe have a piece of cloth, so I won´t damage the book or dirty it. I need to go to work right after this.”

The priest looked pleased enough and left the room to go get some brown paper.

Leonard managed to appear calm as the priest escorted him to the front door, but as soon as he got out of sight of the rectory he ran as if the devil was on his heels so as not to be late at the farmer where he had to work that day.

When Leonard arrived at the rectory the next day, the door was opened by a servant girl. She led him to the study where he was to wait for the priest who was conversing with other believers. He took the opportunity to look at the paintings on the walls depicting scenes of Christ’s life. He found them dark and ominous. A sense of doom went out from every brush stroke. He conjured up Camilla´s face to ease his mind.

“The gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable.” The priest said as he entered the study. He startled Leonard. “Conversion to the better Christian covenant is hugely desirable.”

Leonard stood up to give the priest a hand, but instead the priest gestured for him to have a seat.

“Do you believe that Jesus is the Son of God who is Lord and saviour?” the priest asked with a profoundly serious expression on his face.

“I do!” Leonard said. He did his best to speak in a convincing tone, but the priest made him nervous.

After an hour of catechism, the priest said:

“Believe that Jesus died for your sins.”

Leonard grew scared. This sounded like a verdict for life.

“Rose bodily from the dead as your saviour,” Leonard had a hard time with that one, but kept a modest attitude.

“And then pray to God in Jesus name.”

Leonard nodded. But the priest looked at him over his glasses and rose his eyebrows.

“Yes, father.” Leonard hurried to reply.

But the priest appeared to wait for an answer, he gave Leonard an intense look.

“Jesus is the son of God who is Lord and saviour.” Leonard said, hoping it was what de priest wanted to hear. It was, and Leonard was allowed to leave.

When Leonard sat down at the breakfast table next morning, he noticed that his father was leafing through his New Testament the priest had gifted him.

“You do realize, he was a Jew too, right?” his father asked him without looking at him. But Leonard didn´t have the constitution for a theological debate around the morning coffee. When he didn´t answer, his father continued:

“I have never heard or read anything that spoke of him switching camps.” He gave little sarcastic smile. When he saw his son´s serious look he corrected himself and said:

“There are no reports of Jeshua Ben Joseph changing religion.” 

A chill went through Leonard´s body upon hearing his father say Jesus ‘name in Hebrew.

“Will you change your name now too?” Marcus asked.

Leonard shook his shoulders. The priest has said nothing of the kind.

“You´re a traitor!” his father said. Sadness could be heard in his voice. His words cut into Leonard’s heart.

“You will become bitter!” Leonard wished his father would stop, and he tried not to look up at him for fear he might see his son´s anger growing into fury.

“This whole religion is based on an oxymoron. You do know that by now, I hope?” and he threw the book in the middle of the table.

“Learning the truth of the gospel will not protect you from biological racism!”

Leonard had heard enough. He grabbed his book and stormed out of the house. He ran to the river. He wanted to throw the book into the river or howl at the heavens. He sat down and cried.

When he calmed down, he wiped the book with his hands, so it could not tell the priest about the violence it was subjected to at the breakfast table. The priest surely would prohibit his union with his beloved Camilla if he knew. He wrapped the book in a clean handkerchief and made his way for the rectory.

“What happens now, if I may ask.” Leonard asked when his lesson was over.

“Now, you will get baptized and you´ll receive Holy communion.” The priest had a smug look on his face, Leonard thought to himself.

“You receive the holy spirit and become a Christian!”

Leonard stood up and prepared to leave,

“And then you too can go to heaven.” The self-approbation dripped from his chin; Leonard remarked.

Leonards parents did not come to his wedding. Nor did they see him very often after the event. Leonard visited his parents every two months and told them of his happy marriage to Camilla. He never stayed very long. His father never would speak directly to him, the only words he would utter, was at Leonards mother telling her not to bother with coffee, because her son wasn´t thirsty.

Leonard and Camilla´s marriage was indeed a happy one. Their cottage was small, but to them, richer than all the palaces of a king. Leonard found work in a mine, and in his spare time he helped repair the churches tower. It had been damaged severely during the war and was in danger of collapsing.

A big celebration was held in the village when the restoration works were done. Even the bishop came. The priest introduced Leonard to him: the Jew who converted to the better religion and was such a Godsent and great help in rebuilding the tower.

There was a terrible accident at the mine were Leonard worked: he didn´t survive. It took the rescue crew a few days to find Leonards body. Excess carbon dioxide caused a very acidic environment and the membranes in Leonard´s cells raptured. Leonard´s body had burst, producing a very potent odour. After the rescue team had found Leonards body, there was an emergency funereal. He quickly entered the earth in a mass grave for the victims of the terrible mine accident. The priest did not permit for the coffin holding Leonards remains to enter the church.

Leonard`s father learned of his son´s death from the newspapers. When he went to inquire where his final resting place was, he overheard a conversation that broke his heart.

He went home and took his yarmulke out of his bedside’s drawer. He recited Kaddish in homage of his deceased son. He was unable to cry.

 He went to pay a visit to the priest of the church; his son had worked so hard on.

After a servant opened the door, he overheard her say that there was Jew at the door here to see the priest.

The priest put away the newspaper he was reading and went to the front door.

“My friend! Won´t you come in?” he made an inviting gesture, but Leonard´s father backed off.

“I´ll stay outside.” he said.

“My son`s remains were not granted permission to enter your church for a funeral service “Father”? why is that?” He spoke in a very soft way, but his gaze was filled with hate.

The priest coughed and started to explain, that the body was simply too far into the process of putrefaction and that these odours linger long after a body, even in a coffin, has been removed.

“It would defile the church.” The priest said while shaking his shoulders.

“Defile the church he was good enough to work on; for free. But not good enough to enter before being laid to rest?”

The priest was a loss for words, and it made him nervous.

“We are all created In God´s image, are we not “Father”?” Markus tone was icy.

The priest hurried to nod his head in agreement.

“No “Father”!” Markus said “No!”

The priest frowned his brow.

“You created a God in your image!”

Upon those words the priest shivered.

“What, “Father”? somebody just walked over your tomb? Or did I just blaspheme?”

Markus put his hand into his pocket and took out a pair of scissors. The priest gave a shriek and made a few steps back bumping into a wall behind him.

“Since you are called “Father” I think it is permitted to cut on the left side of your clothing.” Markus said, and he cut a tear in the priest’s cassock.

Markus walked away and went to the site where Leonard was buried. He stood there for a while. Not looking at the grave but watching the birds in the sky.

He took a deep breath and swallowed the tears he was no longer able to contain. He took off his Megan David and wrapped the chain around a pebble he had picked up in their garden. Since there was not yet a headstone, he put it in the sand on the grave.

“It does not matter by what name, if any, you choose to call your God, son! What is important is that you live a good and righteous life!”

Markus took a deep breath, looked up at the birds at the sky, and said his Goodbyes.

With his hands in his pockets, he walked back home. He did not say another prayer, for the words of his loss could never be contained in a predicated and foretold prayer. Nor would a God from a book understand his loss.

“I give the memory of Leonard to the world.” Markus told his wife. “I give Leonard to the world.”

“He was filled with love. And the world can use so much of it. The world needs so much love!

I give Leonard to the world.”