Good Cheese

Hi, my name is Cheese. Well, that’s what my human seems to think anyway. She also seems to believe I  am a male. Oh cheese, is she gonna be surprised to know how many kittens I’m carrying right now. I’m a hard working mother, to both my future kittens and my human, as she has been oblivious lately. Oblivious, did I use that right? English is my ninth language. Anyway, speaking of her, for the past five minutes I have been trying to notify her that I am currently stuck under her bed. I have been struggling to squeeze through so I decided to improvise by rolling. 

“Cheese!” The human cried. 

There she was, sitting with human #2. DAVE.

I approached cautiously and jumped up onto the bed, then the desk, then the…. Ooh they just installed new high shelves. Before you could say cheese I stumbled over a pot plant and saw my life flash before my eyes as I fell. It’s very scary, you know, I only have two more left.

The human seemed amused at my struggle, she came over and picked me up and said “Aren’t cats always supposed to land on their feet?” I found this very inconsiderate as she should know that not all cats are the same and that while I may not be as athletic as others, I am certainly just as capable of - “here you go little guy.” The human said, putting me back down on the ground.

I gave her my judgemental side eye, which I had gotten used to giving to human #2. He is a troublemaker and I don’t trust him. He moved into the house recently but he’s not here to replace me, right? RIGHT?

It was a winter morning a few days later. It had come to my attention that the household had recently encountered some stress, because of Dave. I had taken a couple things off of my schedule to make time for some extra mediation, followed by my early morning yoga, followed by my late morning nap.

That evening, right before I was about to take my early evening nap, I saw Dave. He was putting  something into a glass of water. Which I think one may consider this odd, even for Dave.

I followed him unnoticed, like the stealthy cat I was. I say ‘was’ because I ran into a wall.

He handed the glass to the human. 

“Here you are, let me know if you need anything else.”

The human said thanks and I jumped up on the desk she was working on. 

Everything was OK until she reached for the glass. I panicked. Partially because I wanted to protect my human and partially out of spite to Dave, I majestically swatted the glass from her grip. The water splashed all over the floor.

“Really, Cheese?” The human sighed.

I swear I really did feel bad about doing that, I’m not blue cheese, I’m good cheese.

The next day I was texting my cousin about the new cat’s clothing collection, when the human picked me up and brought me outside against my will. I had to watch Dave struggle as he tried to fill water balloons and fail. They exploded everywhere and our plans for a water balloon fight went down the drain. 

I am fully convinced Dave didn’t graduate Kindergarten. 

Us three stayed outside for the rest of the day. By us three I mean me, the human and Dave sobbing in the corner. (The water balloon incident really got to him) 

The human and I did a puzzle and bonded over the dead water balloons that were now stuck on all the walls and launched high up into the trees. After the whole swatting of the glass thing yesterday, I feel like I have earned the human’s trust once more. In order to keep it this way, I will never do such a thing again. This was my exact thought process before I ended up doing the exact same thing…again.

I had a good reason. Right after my language learning class, I saw Dave do the same thing as a few days ago, he had put something in a meal this time, pasta. He gave it to the human, an injustice to both her and the pasta. I swatted it away with my tail this time.

Again, Cheese? You’re insane!” The human cried.

I mean, I prefer innovative but insane works fine. The human may not realize it, but I’m definitely helping her out here, but she doesn’t understand why. I need proof that human #2 is up to no good. Hmm.

The human got up and stomped over to the kitchen. Where human #2 was standing. 

“Hey, Dave.” Of course his name was Dave, I mean I knew that but still. 

“Has the cat been acting weird around you lately, like knocking over glasses and stuff?” 

Dave hesitated. “Uh yeah.” He said. “Yeah he’s done that a couple times.” 

*Gasp* LIES.

The human looked concerned. “He keeps doing that to me, it’s starting to become a problem.”

You call it a problem. I call it a solution. Dave is up to something. Just you wait and see.

Of course it happened again, with orange juice.

There was no time. I was on the other side of the room. I swooped up the tennis ball with my tail and used all of the force I had to throw it across the room and make it land in the drink. Nope. It hit the human’s nose. No wonder they didn’t let me into the sports academy, that’s why I had to resort to language learning class.

“CHEESE!” She yelled, throwing her arms up into the air and whacking the cup over. I guess that did the job. The human became even more frustrated as she got up to pick the cup off the floor. But she paused, staying still when she seemed to notice something. She picked up a pill that had been in the juice. Showing it to Dave, who was red in the face. 

“Were you trying to POISON ME?” 

Dave began to run away, but like the good cheese I am, I had another tennis ball in tail and the police on speed dial.

The next day:

Together the human and I sat outside, willingly, and read the newspaper. 

The front headline: GOOD CHEESE SAVES HUMAN FROM MOST WANTED CRIMINAL. DAVE.