A Time of Renewal

CW: abuse, miscarriage

Part One: Carmen

"Is this really necessary?" I asked, grabbing my sled. I had gotten it for my tenth birthday, but haven't used it since.

My mother sighed. "Yes, it is. You need to mend the crack in your relationship! You need to fix the broken bone, the base of your friendship! You-"

"Mom! Please, stop!" I sighed, "We haven't talked in years! It's not like we can just pick up where we left off; it's a lot more complicated. Ever since- well, never mind. Just forget it, Mom. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Carmen,” She said, putting her hand on my shoulder, “It’s going to be alright. Don’t cry, sweetie.”

I wiped the sleeve of my favorite blue jacket across my eyes, attempting to remove the tears that I didn’t even notice before. My mom hugged me, then, after a bit, turned away and grabbed her keys. That subtle movement signaled that it was time to go.

When we arrived at the sledding hill, it was packed with people. My mother was struggling to find a place to park, so she dropped me off by the bottom of the hill. I grabbed my sled and, shivering in my fluffy jacket, I started toward the hill. We were supposed to meet at the top of the hill, next to the hot chocolate stand. This was the stand we used to meet at all the time, back when we were friends. Back when we were best friends.

Jasmin is- well, was my best friend. We would meet at this sledding hill at least three times a week every winter, but that was years ago. Five years ago, to be precise. My mother set this up, without my consent, so we could catch up and hopefully become close again. But that won’t happen. Too many… events occurred, and our friendship just wasn’t able to stay strong. We fought, we lied, but most importantly, we-, well, it’s a bit complicated.

And there she was, standing in all of her beauty. I must say, I always have been quite envious of her looks, but never as much as now. She had changed so much in those five years; the transformation from a charming, little girl to a beautiful, charismatic young woman had done her well. Her big, bouncy curls settled perfectly around her toned, chocolate-colored face. Her nails were freshly painted, and were a baby blue. She never wore gloves, even in the coldest weather. She used to say that she was immune to the cold. I miss that. I miss her sweet, smooth voice, and her personality. She was always there for me; why wasn’t I there for her?

Part Two: Jasmin

I saw her coming up, but I pretended not to. She was carrying the sled that I gave her for her tenth birthday. It was green and yellow, which were her favorite colors. They might still be. I hope they are, because she was always… different. Not in a bad way, of course. And not that it’s weird that she liked green and yellow, but it was what made her stand out, among other things as well.

She was short, but had long legs, which she didn’t seem to mind. She let her nails grow long, but never painted them. She had beautiful, long hair, but it was thin and sometimes looked brittle, which was something she hated. Her face was round, and her smile was large, causing her usual plump lips to look thin and pale. She looked the exact same. Nothing had changed, and that caused an ache to arouse in my heart. She was still her playful, enthusiastic self. She was still her perfectionist and self-conscious self. She was still my best friend- but no, she wasn’t. That had all changed, many years ago. But she didn’t

I cleared my throat and looked at her. I decided to finally speak.

“Hi Carmen,” I said softly. She looked at me and gave a little wave.

“Hi,” she said, in the same soft tone.

We were standing there for a bit, awkwardly saying things like, “How’s high school?” and “A lot of homework?” You know, the things parents ask. I mean, we had a bit to catch up on; ever since our school closed back in the summer after fourth grade, we’ve never talked with each other. But the school closing wasn’t the first problem we had.

It all started in fourth grade. We had been very close before then. In fact, we first became friends in kindergarten, and had a great relationship ever since then, up until now. First of all, in that year, my family was going through financial problems. My mom lost her job, and I hadn't seen or heard from my dad since I was in second grade. My family had barely enough to get by, and I was embarrassed about it. I didn’t want to tell Carmen, even though we told each other everything. She always wanted to go shopping, and I had to make up excuses. She was getting suspicious, and when she found out, she was mad that I didn’t tell her, saying that she could’ve helped. I’m an independent person, and don’t like getting help (which she knew) and argued back. This was just the start.

Part Three: Carmen

It was weird being together after all these years. We’d gone for five years without talking to each other; why start again now? We might as well go our separate ways, like we did, back in fourth grade…

A lot of things happened that year. We had our first fight, well, fights that year. And they shouldn’t have happened, to be honest. To go through everything that we fought about would be a waste of time, but there were some main topics. I guess you could say our hormones were acting up that year, but Jasmin and I know that that’s not the truth. I still don’t feel comfortable around her, after what her brother did…

You see, I am the youngest of five kids. I have four older sisters, and, when I was in fourth grade, one was in seventh grade, one was a freshman in high school, one was a sophomore, one was a senior, and my eldest sister was in her second year of college. Since Jasmin and I had been friends for many years-that is, when we were in fourth grade- we had had sleepovers at both of our houses, and my sister, the one who was a senior in high school, started dating Jasmin’s older brother, who was the same age. However, a couple days before their high school graduation, my sister tested positive for pregnancy, which we didn’t know about until, well, quite a bit later. However, when she told Andrew, Jasmin’s brother, he got angry and hit her. I remember that night very clearly. She was out of the house the whole day, and when she came back, it was very late. I crept out of my room and to the railing of the stairs, peeking down at the front door. There she was, with a very large, dark bruise on the side of her face, crying. 

Thankfully, they broke up-well, Andrew was apparently caught kissing another girl the very next day, claiming that he broke up with my sister the day before. However, about halfway through her pregnancy, she had a miscarriage, due to the new stress of college and the baby. Her health got worse every day, until the baby died. After that, and still now, she was never the same. She felt like everything that happened was her fault, and developed depression. She eventually dropped out of college and worked as a truck driver. She’s a bit better now, but I will never, ever forgive Andrew. The worst part of it was, Jasmin seemed to be on her brother’s side, even though he was the one who impregnated my sister, hit my sister, cheated on my sister, and caused her so much unnecessary stress. Jasmin said that none of it was true, even though my sister’s bruise that lasted for so long and her growing pregnancy bump were evidence already. That was one of the major causes of the ending of our friendship.

Part Four: Jasmin

We had awkward small talk for quite some time. But we weren’t really to blame; our pasts were haunted by the memories of us fighting over things that overwhelmed us, and the five years we spent apart seemed so empty. We didn’t talk about anything personal, like our families, our new friends, hobbies… nothing. 

I remember, back in fourth grade, Carmen’s grades were lowering. Apparently, her parents ridiculed some of our teachers for the way they were teaching, saying that it was unequal and unproductive. The teachers got angry, and took their anger out on Carmen, by insulting her and purposefully giving her hard questions. I actually believed that story, which was my mistake. People at school started teasing and even bullying her for it, and I didn’t stop it. I was too busy with Analiese, who was, in a way, my new friend. She was tall and graceful, like a swan, with long legs and long hair. She was dainty and beautiful, like a daisy, or maybe even a rose. I envied her a bit, for her natural beauty outweighed my natural imperfections. Analiese was very popular, and she was one of the people that started picking on Carmen, and, as embarrassed as I am to say this, I did too. I stopped hanging out with Carmen and teased her, just like everyone else. I became popular, and I thought I was happy, even though, deep down, I wasn’t. She was alone, with no friends or anyone to depend on, being picked on by the “popular” kids and her supposed best friend, who was getting more popular by the minute. I knew the truth the whole time. She was very small, skinny, and quiet at the time. She was an easy target. Our teacher in fourth grade was a terrible one, and seemed to love picking on Carmen. No one noticed this until after the rumors cycled through, causing everyone to think that this was something new. Why didn’t I let everyone know that what they thought was true, wasn’t? Why didn’t I stick up for her? Did I really value popularity more than true friendship?

Part Five: Carmen

I always thought that our friendship was bulletproof, that we would last forever. But, now that I think about it, maybe it was my fault that it all ended. Maybe it was because I was so focused on someone…

Back in fourth grade, I experienced something new. I had developed my first ever crush. I know, I know, it doesn’t sound too special, but I thought that it was the greatest thing since rainbow sprinkles. The boy’s name was Everett, and I was obsessed with him. I thought he was positively beautiful! He had dark brown hair that was a bit on the longer side, but always managed to never cover his beautiful blue eyes. He had freckles across his nose and a smile that could light up the room. And the best part of it all was that, apparently, he liked me too!

 The only issue was Jasmin. I mean, Jasmin wasn’t the one who made the mistake; I was. But Jasmin was the first one, out of the two of us, to like Everett. She really liked him, and loved his sense of humor, his laugh, and how witty he was. At the time, I was still in my “boys have cooties” phase, and was jealous that she was acting so mature. So, I said degrading things, like “He’s so out of your league,” and “You’ll never be good enough for a guy like that.” I knew that those things were mean, and I regret them still to this day. For the last five years, I’ve been wanting so badly to say sorry, but, now that I have the chance, I can’t. 

The worst part of it all was that she believed me. She was offended at first but, since I was her best friend, she took my words to heart. She stopped liking Everett, and, at that same time, I was just starting to like Everett. It pained me to see my best friend so distraught, but I told myself to stay true to my word. A month or two after I started liking Everett, we started “dating.” Jasmin was so upset, and she said that she knew it all along. Why did I hurt her like that? Why didn’t I stay loyal to her? Did I really value boys more than true friendship?

Part Seven: Jasmin

We were both in very deep thought. I could tell, just by looking at her. She looked so miserable, yet hopeful at the same time. I missed that look. That look was so full of innocence and love. I missed her. I missed her laugh, her humor, her smile. I missed the countless hours we would stay up at night, talking about whatever we felt was important at the time. I missed the many summers we spent together, at the community pool, getting sunburnt and sweaty. I missed the lemonade cocktails we would make, rating each one. 

Slowly but steadily, I felt a warm tear run down my cheek. I needed her. I loved her.

Part Eight: Carmen

I missed her so much. I had so many great memories with her that can and will never be forgotten.

I missed her optimism, her sweetness, her playfulness. I missed the D.I.Y. projects we would do with my dad, that always seemed to flop. I missed the vacation we took to Hawaii, where there were many volcano warnings, yet no eruptions actually happened. We stayed in our rented home, telling stories and making jokes. I missed our secret handshake, that was so complex, no one but us could remember it. But I still do, to this day.

Slowly but steadily, I felt a warm tear run down my cheek. I needed her. I loved her.

Part Nine: Jasmin

I hated the tension that was between us at that moment. I noticed tears rolling down her cheeks, and I knew. We both missed each other. We both wanted to have the same bond we had five years ago. By that point, we weren’t making pointless conversation anymore. We probably hadn’t been talking for a solid five minutes. But that was okay. We were reflecting. Realizing. 

I stepped forward to Carmen and hugged her as hard as I could, and she hugged back, even harder. We both sobbed in each others’ arms, sniffling every few seconds. When we finally pulled away, I smiled, and she did too. We were friends again. We didn’t need to say sorry. We just needed each other. As if we spoke telepathically, we both grabbed our sleds and climbed to the very top of the hill. Sledding had been our favorite thing, before we split. Each of our boards was given to us by the other one; they were the gifts we got each other for our birthdays, which were only six days apart, back in fourth grade. We sat down and, holding hands, we pushed ourselves down the hill.

It was amazing. There was adrenaline pumping through me and wind blowing through my curls. I looked over at Carmen, and she was laughing. I couldn’t help but do the same. I had missed that laugh for so long; I had yearned to see it ever since we stopped being friends. We had missed out on so much. Five years of our lives had been wasted by us not talking to each other, after the best years of friendship we had. I knew that, although we had our differences and were far from perfect, we were meant to be friends, no, best friends. We could never let anything get between us again. Ever.

Part Ten: Carmen

It was amazing, flying down that hill again. We were moving so fast, and our hands stayed firmly grasped the whole time. We were never letting go. If only we did that, back when we fought in fourth grade. If only things were different…

But, no. You can’t change the past. You can only work to improve the future. And that’s okay. We were together again. And that was good enough for me.

At the bottom of the hill, we crashed into each other, laughing. It was perfect. Everything was good now; it was as if five years had never passed. It’s amazing what a visit to the past can do. We had gone down that hill almost every day in winter, before fourth grade. And it was amazing to do it again. I had my best friend back, and, even though we never said anything, we were both forgiven. And that was fine by me.

Later that day, after speeding down that very hill countless times, it was time to go. Jasmin was being picked up by her grandfather, and I was being picked up by my mother.

As I got into the car, I said, “Mom, that was really, really fun. Thanks for forcing me to go.”

She laughed, and said, “I’m assuming everything’s good between you two again.”

I nodded, smiling. “We’re going to go sledding again here tomorrow. It was amazing.”

“Alright, fine But I want you to know this, Carmen: I’m very proud of you for doing this. Even if things didn’t work out between you too, you were really brave for coming here and actually trying to rekindle your friendship with Jasmin,” my mother said, looking into the rearview mirror.

I smiled even wider. I couldn’t help it. “Thanks, Mom.”