AC-DC

A lot of post-apocalyptic stories feature zombies. Often, however, the spread of zombie-ism isn’t selective; it can be transmitted to any human who is bitten or mauled by the infected ones. That is definitely scary, and we fear becoming one of those filthy undead at any moment. However, there are different situations that are post-apocalyptic and you are about to read about one of them right now.

In this post-apocalypse, it is the politicians in Washington, D.C. who are zombies, nobody else. These individuals spend their careers devouring the people who approach them for help with a cause. No human is safe from the zombies. They are a group which frequently includes the lobbyists and the national leaders, which is also important to keep in mind. Those, the lobbyists and the leaders, the undead politicians do not devour, because they need the money they contribute to both their campaigns and their lifestyles. Otherwise, they couldn’t have homes big enough to house the four freezers’ worth of gourmet ice cream they keep on hand. Nor could they build high walls around their homes to keep from seeing the riff-raff of the districts they represent. They feel that would be tragic. Seeing all the slovenly homeless whom they represent but who couldn’t give a rat’s a@# about that.

The halls of Congress are merely a place most imagine, having never been there. They are probably full of gleaming marble, cold and icy, but at least they are cleaned twice daily. Zombies, contrary to popular belief, are quite particular about their living environment (and the quality of ice cream they eat, apparently, if we read tweets). They like the lap of luxury. They don’t deserve it, but they like it. I personally don’t care much for frigid, metallic, marbleized living quarters, but the DC zombies do lots of work in their assigned spaces, or so they say. 

Perhaps a word is needed as to how people are consumed by the political zombies. The people come to the office of a senator or representative because they are concerned about a matter or a person. These people are called constituents and the DCZs (you can figure out what the letters stand for, right?) are quick to distinguish them from the lobbyists who bring the big bucks and matter more. The people are whiners or protesters, wanting change, improvements, safety, better health care, lots of stuff that are way beyond the skill set of any zombie. These people, say the politicians, are insignificant and as such have to go.

If instead of coming to the sacred halls of Congress - because we must keep in mind the clean, cold, stone buildings are for zombie use only - they call or DM and are identified, then emissaries are usually sent out by the zombies in power to infect them so they too will zombify. It only takes a small scratch... like in The Walking Dead and other films. It doesn’t quite work, because the zombie spin-offs don’t last long. We’ll just leave it at that, but it isn’t pretty,

How were all the members of the DC group infected, you might ask? It wasn’t easy, but scientific research finally identified the cause as a very thin, flat green parasite that is likely living in the water they drink in Congress. We see lots of shots where a politician zombie is drinking from a plastic bottle, and should realize that the bottles are probably full of booster water to keep the Z vitamins at their peak. You can’t see those little green thingies, but they are there, and having the anticipated effect.

The zombies probably all came about because one of the species of parasites in our environment mutated, not unlike we have seen in the game The Last of Us and different films. There is one parasite mutation that affects humans. This could have been globally devastating, but luckily there is only one type of human that can become the host for the green parasite: the politician species. Specifically, the Congressperson species is the one that is susceptible. A few ex-congresspersons can also be infected, like the Secretary of State who had been a senator. Her husband shared the contagion and passed it on to quite a few more power people who are now zombies as well. Tracking the contagion is really no fun.

Raw meat is on the menu in Congress, since zombies always prefer it. Human flesh is the preferred one, but when they go out to dinner, they are forced to limit their consumption of that kind. Most restaurants won’t serve it, even if they’re located in Washington.

Still, there were two politicians who were penetrated by the mysterious fungus and their transformation was shocking. We will address that now.

We know it’s time for looking at the fungus that feasts on zombies, and essentially de-zombifies them. I’m aware that we haven’t done much research to understand the origin of the flat green parasite. It may have been the Chinese or the Russians who were responsible, of course. However, I personally am of the opinion that the fungi were put in politician food and drink by some odd, evil entities called CCorps. That’s short for Corporations with Clout. That happened a few decades ago, so not too many people know the exact moment that happened, but over time we have noticed. If you work in DC, in those cold halls, you are one of the Z tribe for sure. If you don’t go along with that, you aren’t reelected, it’s as simple as that. If you aren’t a zombie, you have no clout.

How was this effect discovered? Not by observation in a tropical forest, of course. No politicians would ever be caught dead - so to speak - going to a buggy, unsophisticated place like a tropical rain forest. This surprising antidote must have been consumed in a fancy Asian restaurant as shiitake mushroom or something like that. This way of administering the zombie antidote was sheer genius. The author of the cure has yet to be identified.

The zombie-feasting fungus or ZFF (different from BFF) looks like a club or primitive baseball bat and was found by divers who were working as marine archaeologists. Like the Cordyceps genus, the fungus that was trapped inside a gold jewel box in the wreck of a seventeenth-century Spanish galleon, drills into the body and takes up residence there. Its effect is totally different than the flat green parasite which, now that I think about it, has a sign like a capital S on it, an S with two vertical lines through the middle. 

The Cordyceps genus of fungi has a specific prey for each species, and there are about four hundred match-ups of insects and similar creatures to fungus. Let me explain a little better. The Cordyceps is eerily like a vampire. Each variation of Cordyceps selects its designated prey and with its spores proceeds to penetrate the head. It then sends out mycelium to take over the brain. These mycelium (probably the plural is mycelia) grow wildly all through the brain and can cause excruciating discomfort. They can just as easily cause aberrant behavior. The videos of Cordycepys-infected ants are totally creepy. It hurts when something grows out of the brain.

Whether the victim is an ant or a human makes a difference. Let’s not forget that. When insects are infected, they suffer and die a painful death. At that point, the pole-like fungus sprouts up as if it were alive, from the dead head. Whole colonies can perish. In contrast, the newly-discovered fungus from under the sea doesn’t grow out of the head. Rather, the former human beings whom it infects undergo an erasure of the zombie mode. It is a true miracle, wouldn’t you say? 

Now we need to examine more closely what happens when the DCZs lose the Z part of their identity. They become absolutely oblivious and impervious to the flat green parasites, first of all. This means that they no longer feed on humans who aren’t like them, and they also become somewhat lethargic. The lethargy is fantastic, because it is accompanied by subsequent alterations of mental capacity. Let’s talk a little about that.

DC Zombies have been known to talk hours on end while nobody in the audience listens or gives a hoot. Not even the others of the tribe pay attention to them. They prefer playing angry birds on their phones or texting another zombie with whom they’re having an affair. Some snooze.

However, something very important occurs to every single DCZ that received the fungus that targets humans.

They turn brainless, or rather, their usual brainlessness becomes obvious to all. Once de-zombified, they are obliged to go home and be cared for. This is not cruel, but they are definitely and permanently out of commission. No ex-DCZ can stage continuous theater the way they once did in Washington. The fungus has destroyed the green parasite that had created zombies in the first place. They can no longer devour humans who don’t love them for their zombiness and greed, for their ineffectiveness and gluttony. They are impotent.

Sangoma deserves some credit for this, because he or she, in the capacity of spiritual leader, is the one who devised the treatment. Keep in mind that it is only a partial cure and requires the collaboration of the people who no longer fear being consumed or rejected by their zombie leaders.

As we have already observed, the DC zombies without their zombie brains are forced to retire and return to their home states. This is great but it isn’t all that transpires. The former DCZs are also forced to give up the millions they’ve earned over their eternal terms of office. That money, which always went into funding of projects that provided zombie kickbacks (known as ZKs), is released to the general populace.

People aren’t stupid. They have looked around. They see the swamp has been drained, although certainly not by any human zombie, but by a benevolent fungus. No undead individual or political faction could bring that about. It has been achieved by a lowly (??) something. 

Now what to do? We have a zombie-less world at long last, but we are uncertain what to do with it. Is Washington, D.C. about to be of the people, by the people, and for the people, finally? Wow. Just wow.

Some people are very frightened, and that is normal. I think others are jubilant. Finally! A government of the people, by the people, and for the people. (We already said that, but it bears repeating, don’t you think? It has a nice ring to it.) Forget about the flesh-eaters and money grubbers we once had in office and let’s get to work on this new, post-post-apocalyptic world we’ve acquired, thanks to a little bitty fungus that was found under the sea. Not the one in The Little Mermaid. A real sea. (Remember, Disney was never the answer to the world’s ills.)

One of the human groups has come up with a few ideas and they’re worth taking a look at. Not all of them are new, but all of them were fastidiously ignored by the DC Zombie crew. That is a thing of the past. The first item that has been placed under consideration is healthcare for all. Don’t laugh. You are not immortal and you are not guaranteed perfect health your whole life. This is only fair. Zombies don’t deserve to live (die?) forever, pain-free. They hogged it, but now they are out of commission, in La-la Land, and it’s our turn.

The next item up is free education. This was possible in the past, by the way. Plus, if totally free sounds like overkill (punning again?), then a nominal fee might be charged. Like a donation, say. No universities will charge your entire future salary any more. At the same time, no exorbitant salaries will be paid to educators. They will have to do their jobs and also contribute to making this a better world. We can make this happen, because just like the crappy zombies consistently voted for more war games for the military, there are ways to find the money. Just print some more. It’s not that hard.

The third item, but just as important, is the creation of a Bureau of the Environment. It is vital to start protecting the starving polar bears and maybe we can even find ways to recreate all the species that have gone extinct. It is really too sad to sit and list all the animals and plants that have disappeared as a result of zombie actions, but we might be able to pull it off. Big Oil is out of the picture, because there are no more walking dead to suckle the black veins of the companies so they can get fat and happy. Yum yum, they used to say, but they are back home singing la-la-la, remember? Water is life, Mní wičhóni. We knew that before one political zombie ignored it.

How do we start building, now that no zombie is going to come up behind us and lie or bite us? That is something still under study, but it will happen.

There really is an ending to this story. The non-zombies have determined that the fungus will be stored in a laboratory vault in a place known only to a trusted few. It needs to be protected, because the humans never know if there will be a use for it, such as if any future zombies were to turn up in Congress. Plus, it is not certain the the ex-zombies with no brains will end up coming back from the undead.

No more pandemics will be allowed in Washington, er, AC-DC, thank you very much. There is now a sangoma - a spiritual, not a political leader - in charge. A sangoma heals and reveals. He or she does not declare war or bail out banks and CCorps (see above if you’ve forgotten what that means).

Before we are through, we need to explain the new name that has been created for Washington, D.C. We just want to call it AC-DC. Yes, that could bring up other connotations, one of which might be a rock band, and another might be a reference to sexual diversity. Sorry, we are totally not into discrimination and that is not allowed. We simply like the phrase and its original meaning in the electricity or electronics sense. Thus Washington - which has its historical significance but is no longer required for today’s population - is tossed out, anda the substitute name doesn’t take up as much space. (It’s a long word, don’t you think?)

In the interest of clarity, the newly-spawned AC-DC means the following:

AC = All Communities

DC = De-Contaminated (of zombies and their ilk)

This works for me and for a lot of us. How about you?