It Was Never the Place

Nigel was an only child brought up in the suburbs of St Louis. His parents were both college educated, successful in their vocations, and devoted to his growth and enjoyment of life. He played soccer and, later, basketball; although he wasn't particularly interested in either sport. Both of his parents, even after they divorced, attended his games and school events, cheering him on enthusiastically. 

Nigel was in the 70th percentile for intelligence in his grade, but everyone knew he was smarter than most. Still, by most accounts, he was labeled average, but for his capabilities in the arts. Painting was his preferred medium. He was a talented and prolific painter. The hallway in his family home was lined with his vivid artwork that was eclectic and colorful, though a tad macabre. Nigel was a cheerful and active child but complained of a general malaise about his life. Though he could never quite name his displeasure for any given day, he felt he didn't enjoy them the way other children did. 

Even when things seemed to be going well, Nigel would say that he didn't like Missouri. He was about nine years old when he began to ask periodically if the family could move to another state; someplace far from Missouri. He had school friends who would sometimes visit his home, but Nigel didn't enjoy the company of his friends past a couple of hours. He mostly enjoyed time alone, painting or writing; he was also an excellent storyteller. After his parents' divorce when he was eight, he spent weekends with his father and lived with his mother during the week. Through his preteen years he had a close relationship with both parents. But sometime during puberty his perceptions began to shift. He preferred to stay home with his mother where he felt comfortable in his own room. He couldn't say that he disliked being with his father, but when his dad moved far away to an adjacent state, Nigel didn't like the car ride. He often felt trapped in conversations he didn't want to be in, and eventually began to dread those long drives to Illinois. 

It's true that Nigel's parents didn't get along so well after the divorce. He could barely recall a time when they did. As a result of the custody struggles they didn't speak to each other except regarding issues that Nigel didn't understand; insurance, money, visitation, travel logistics. Nigel's life situation confused him. Some of his friends had both parents at home. Some of them had only their mom. One of his friends, Jack, lived with his dad because his mother went to the grocery store one day and never returned. None of those kids seemed as discontent as Nigel felt.

Nigel's mother worried about his dissatisfaction with his life. He had fun with friends and family. His home life wasn't fraught with trouble or strife, but he didn't like his stepdad. And it wasn't so much that he didn't like him personally. He just wasn't his dad, and they didn't have much in common. In fact, Nigel himself couldn't say why he wasn't happy. He just knew he wanted to leave Missouri. He was certain that happiness was waiting for him somewhere else.

Nigel went to prom with his pretty girlfriend, vacationed at the beach with his family, visited his dad for holidays, and planned to go to college after graduating high school. At least until one day when he woke up and told his mother that he didn't want to go to college yet. He wanted to get a job and work for awhile first. But Nigel didn't get a job. He spent most days hanging around the house for the year after graduation. They still went on vacation and he sometimes had friends over, but he regularly asked if they could just move out of the terrible state of Missouri.

His mother's concern over his attitude toward his life deepened when, at eighteen, he became depressed after losing his grandmother. The loss of his grandma created a crack in the foundation of their family, both nuclear and extended. Everything and everyone changed when his grandmother died; especially his mother, Nigel thought. As a last resort to help him adjust to the onset of adulthood, Nigel's mother separated from his stepdad, sold their house and moved into the city, thinking the city would give Nigel more opportunity and a fresh perspective. They would both have a new start.

Nigel liked living in the city at first, but only a few months passed before he was deep in depression again. Although he'd seen several since puberty, the counselors just didn't seem to help. Nigel would become angry at anyone who even suggested that his home state was not the problem. Finally, he refused to talk to anyone about it. He was sure that Missouri was stealing his life. Consequently, they moved and moved again; but not far enough away to suit Nigel. His mother became unhappy too, after losing her mother and leaving her life behind. In the latter part of Nigel's nineteenth year, they packed up and moved to California after travelling for some months from state to state. California had always sounded wonderfully fun to Nigel. Out of necessity he had begun to work. He was a hard-worker. Sometimes he would stay with his dad while he worked different jobs; sometimes his mom. Often he lived on his own. Nigel loved California but there were so many things wrong with it; too many to count. After that, he loved the excitement of Chicago, but it was cold and he thought the people weren't especially friendly. The climate in New Mexico was nice but he didn't make friends there. He had great opportunities in Wyoming, Arizona, Tennessee, and Alaska. 

Nigel had become a seasoned traveler by the time he was twenty-three years old. As far as places to be they all had their good points, but he just didn't find what he was looking for in any of those places. He resigned himself to the idea that what he was looking for was nowhere.  Nigel didn't know what he was looking for, but he was sure he'd recognize it when he found it. 

Nigel was a healthy young man; he had freedom to do what he wished; people who loved him wherever he went, and opportunities galore because he was likeable, hardworking, helpful and talented; a joy to be around. But he didn't see those things in himself, and no place felt right to him. He had lived in some of the most beautiful places in the country but did not feel at home anywhere. He had done all kinds of work but had not decided on a vocation. He had developed a pattern of being dissatisfied with his life. Dissatisfaction felt like his destiny; it was inescapable. He thought he had fallen in love a couple of times, but that didn't satisfy him either. His mother would joke with him, "that's why we don't get married on the first date". By then, it seemed to her that Nigel suffered from the ordinary plight of any young man. The condition of being unsure of his future - what he would do, where he would live, who he would be. But to Nigel, his struggle was anything but ordinary. He couldn't like living anywhere. No place was better than another and some were far worse. No people were kinder in one place than they were in the last place he was. No work was good enough.

When he was twenty-six years old, Nigel disappeared. No one knew where he went or what had become of him. There was some speculation about where he might have gone or what he might be going through, disappearing the way he did. Had he found love? Had he gone back to Missouri? Some swore he had joined the circus. Others thought he simply left for warmer weather. Nigel was gone with no word for a full year. One beautiful spring day, to everyone's relief and joy, Nigel returned with stories of his travels to so many places. He had walked isolated stretches of coastline and experienced numerous renowned cities, worked on a farm for a time, was a street vendor, and had met all kinds of people, yet he still did not feel at home. After that, it became clear to everyone who knew Nigel that he could go anywhere and do anything. He was strong and capable; a survivor. In fact, Nigel could see the whole world if that was his wish. What Nigel could not see is that it was never the place that made him unhappy.

It was the divorce.