The room.

"It's not your room that's the prison, it's yourself", a random quote showed up, while she read it all the words she used to mutter to herself came rushing to her mind, strange is the time for the mind, millions of thoughts rush in just within few seconds. She hated to be in her room but at the same time she knew it's the only place she could be herself. Her family kept asking her why wouldn't she spend time with them, why wouldn't she eat properly, she was cared for more than she asked for. The guilt of not spending time with her family that might no longer be there literally made her heart bleed. She felt guilty for being so careless and apathetic. She tried to get out of her room, she knew she's making it harder for herself by keeping aloof and cutting all the connections but she couldn't get over the comfort of solitude. She knew it, she knew she craved being with people and listening to the voices, the tantrums, the compassion, she knew it was the just a step away but that step was way too big for her to take. What was it? She kept questioning herself, why is it that she loves solitude even though it's damaging her beyond repair? She sought the comfort to get over the destructive past of hers only few knew about little did she know what she'd gotten herself into. 

Lost in the painful thoughts of past, she looked for something to distract herself... She looked at her books, properly bookmarked, highlighted and all she could feel was stress and anxiety. Before she'd puke, she looked away in other direction. She looked for something else, staring at the walls, the bubbles of mud were visible through the matte paint of yellow color, her eyes ran along some teeny cracks which seemed to be fresh even though she had seen them tons of times, her eyes instinctively moved avoiding the books to the box of colors, "that's it, I just have to do some graffiti". She got up and thought of what she could draw on the walls, and stood there for may be fifteen minutes and nothing came to her mind, the vintage walls seemed to absorb the light instead of reflecting it, "oh right, I'll search something up" and that's how she decided to go for the stencil art. She began to draw on the walls without thinking about the mistakes, she immersed herself completely and comfortably, she had done a great job for finishing most of it within an hour but that's all the energy she could spend on it and left it like that. After few days, a sudden bout of energy filled her and she finished it, it was satisfying to see she had finished drawing it completely. She was proud of the achievement. She was curious and proud, and waited to see how people would respond to her art... And wanted to show it to everyone; right after these fulfilling emotions, a strange feeling overtook her present emotions of joy; she felt like she was a hypocrite. How could she ask for others to join her in her joy when she wasn't there for them? The wall that seemed to be a source of joy changed into another reason of sadness. She knew she'd be ridiculed for ruining the walls but to her surprise, those who found out about it and praised her graffiti, she couldn't have asked for more her happiness knew no bounds, such a fickle thing was her heart all it took to become happy was a little acceptance; deep in the thoughts, a voice within her asked her, "do you seek validation?" and again her thoughts were messed up. "Did I really ask for validation?"; painful, if anything it was pain that she felt immensely.

 She looked for something else to distract her from the thoughts and she found out she could watch movies and all that stuff, she kept watching and watching, day and night, her sleep cycle was a mess. She didn't know what difference does a day or night make, and to her the voices of people around her were just like the rustling leaves, they were there but she couldn't care less. Till the time came when her dreams turned out to be nightmares, her nights became something dreadful, she could hear the voices in her head on repeat loud and clear. It was strange but she'd gotten used to the auditory hallucinations caused by disrupted sleep. Her guilt began to grow up more and more, she realized how much time she had wasted doing something futile and her eyes fell on the books that she hadn't touched God knows since when anxiety and lightheadedness seeped in and she fell asleep. She woke up to the voices of people around her, this time the voices were more audible perhaps she wanted to feel more human to get over the hallucinations and she craved a little warmth. She took a step out of the room, and looked for a little warmth and comfort. With eyes full of hope and water, she joined her family. And there they were telling her, how much she misses out, how much she doesn't care about the people around her, how much she ran away from the responsibilities. All she did was a nod with a sad smile accepting her mistakes and went back to the room, she hated the most.

She switched to inspirational stuff, "may be i can relate to weak character and learn to outgrow my flaws, maybe I can learn how to fight" with these thoughts she immersed herself deep in to all of it and she cried, felt relieved, laughed and felt motivated. She knew she could climb mountains by the amount of inspiration she had gotten, "May be i should read my books a little, I'm motivated more than ever but this has a few chapters left... Right after I complete it I can read my books with undivided attention" she thought she was all good but right after she finished reading, watching all the inspirational stuff; the motivation faded as well. And that's how this cycle successfully trapped her, in her room. And again the guilt, self hatred and self pity grew a little more, and "nobody understands me" became a common phrase.

"Oh, it's finally the event, we've an occasion at our home after such a long time, everyone's happy, I'm so happy for them. How can I be of some help, maybe I should go and help as much as I can that's the least I can do for them" with these thoughts, she entered the world of people again, looking for something she can contribute in. There was nothing much for her, she realized her share of work had already been taken care of, nobody blamed her or anything, everyone wanted her to be happy and asked her if she was alright, if she needed help. They were there for her. And how much it pained her no one could have imagined. She felt more useless and her self worth was broken into million pieces, she became aggressive and told people to be angry at her and hate her. But all she could see was eyes full of worry and care, she couldn't bare it, sympathy was something she hated the most. She wanted to put an end to it, she wanted it all to end. Why is she a part of such a good family, why is she even eating anything at all, how can she be so cruel to her people, how is she even laughing and smiling; she shouldn't breath, she mustn't breath. Her head was filled with such thoughts lead only to one conclusion that was to end her life but the voice within made her realize the pain and humiliation she would bring to her family after killing herself was even more unbearable, she wasn't much of a person while she was alive so she didn't want to be a burden while she was dead as well, was all she could think of. 

She had tried to share her pain, but she realized it was full of so much of tragedy that it made her toxic for other people, or that's how she thought of herself, a toxic influence. She tried to reach the therapists but the process was so painful that she preferred to stay in the shell, her room. She had built walls that nobody could penetrate. She realized she had nobody to talk to about her feelings, she realized she couldn't kill herself, she understood she couldn't choose to be a nobody and the only way left to try was to fight. She knew it would be a long road, more than she can anticipate but she knew it's the only way out. So what she chose to start with was to do something healthy in the room of hers, and turn the prison into just a simple room of hers and not to trap herself in the room. The voice within her asked her, "so what do you seek?", "for whom are you fighting?", "what's the point of it?", she knew it would happen, she would contradict herself and there it was the voice within her. She whispered to the voice, "you said do you seek validation? Yes, I do, I do seek validation, what's wrong with it? Isn't that how humans are? I might be wrong but I'll correct myself. And I'll move forward", "I watched movies, I wasted my time but I can't rewind the time and undo what I've done, how long do you want me to dwell on it?", "my past is painful but I can't drag it to make my present painful as well, what do you want from me?" the meek voice within told her "you're a nobody, that's your reality". She knew it, she had accepted it and just this meek voice was enough to shake her confidence "what could I have done?", she just gave up on herself and decided to become if anything a little useful for her family. She stepped out of the room, only to come back and only to long for the solitude her room had to offer. She and her room and the little meek voice was her world that nobody could approve of, neither did she but what choice did she have, she had given up on herself for the smile of the people around her.