The Island

The Island

“Damn it! Mom, be careful!”

My back was turned for only a minute, and my 80-year-old mother just had to sneak over and eat the cake batter, knocking the ceramic bowl off the counter and breaking it. Ceramic shards and batter splashed everywhere, of course.

“Back up, Mom, I’ll clean it up.”

“Honey, I can do it.”

“No, Mom, you’re barefoot.” I tersely replied.

In fact, mother was still in her nightgown, despite my encouraging her to get dressed all morning. Damn early dementia! I threw down the dustpan and started sweeping. This is why I’m spending my Christmas with my damn mother in New Hampshire, in my old hometown, while my daughters and their families get to jet off to Hawaii from Seattle. Bitter? Yes, I am. Even if I was going to be a glorified babysitter, as always, at least I’d be at a beach instead of cold-ass New England.

Mom, of course, started crying. “I really wanted that cake!”

Sighing, I gave into her tears. “OK, Mom, I can redo it. I need to go to the store to get the six eggs this recipe requires. Just sit in your recliner and watch TV while I’m gone.”

I had taken an Uber to her house from the airport, so I had to drive her old Buick to the store. My husband would drive that beast when we used to visit, but he died, so lucky me. I despise that car.

I did get it started and somehow make it to Smitty’s grocery store. That’s me, drop everything I’m doing to do what everyone else wants done.

I hate my life.

The grocery store Christmas lights were too damn bright, and I’m thinking my 55-year-old face without makeup will scare kids. I pushed my grey streaked hair to cover some of my face, tearing through the store like the middle-aged ghost that I am.

“Karen?”

I heard a strangely familiar voice, and I turned around slowly. A grey-haired man was intently looking at me. His hair was thick and wavy, unusual for an older man. Taller than me and still fit, also unusual. But I instantly knew those pale blue eyes.

“Brian.”

I looked up, pushed my hair back and smiled. “Well, fancy meeting you here, Smitty’s must be where the cool kids hang out.”

Brian laughed, “Karen, you are the last person I expected to see, but if this is where the cool kids are, I’m in.”

Looking at me a little too closely for my comfort, he asked, “What brings you back to Laconia?”

“My mother; she’s 80 years old, had a couple of falls and has been diagnosed with early dementia. I’m getting some of her affairs in order and hopefully get her into another living arrangement before I get back to my so-called life in Seattle.”

“So-called?” Brian looked at me quizzically. “I thought you were married and had kids back there.”

“I’m sorry, I’m being flippant.” I rubbed my cheeks and glanced up at him. “I lost my husband two years ago to cancer and my kids have their own lives. I’m still trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing.”

“Oh dear, Karen, I’m so sorry, losing a spouse is tough. I lost my wife about ten years ago; car accident.”

“Yeah, it sucks, but I’m getting on with it. So, do you still live here?”

“Yes, I’m still here. I started a construction company and it’s going well. People come up from Massachusetts and want fancy vacation homes and I’m happy to take their money. I have one son and he’s my business partner now.” Brian reached out and briefly touched my arm. “Are you here through the holidays?”

“I have a feeling I’ll be here longer if my experience dealing with the damn health system is any indication.”

“Kind of sweary now, aren’t you?” Brian smiled.

“Hey, my name is ‘Karen’ and I think people expect me to be mouthy,” I laughed.

“Well, you’re the prettiest ‘Karen’ I’ve ever known, and your mouth still looks good to me.”

I lowered my head and looked at the ground. Brian and I had history. We dated in high school, but seemed to drift apart when I went off to college. I met and married my husband and followed him all over the country with his career. I never got started in any of my own interests, we moved too much. I always wanted to take watercolor classes, but I could never get established anywhere and my family whined if I wasn’t available 24/7 for all their wants. I’d lost touch with my friends from this area and when I visited, it was short and dictated by my husband’s needs. Yeah, like I said, me always last.

“What? I made you speechless. I like it!” Brian smiled and reached over and touched my arm again.

I looked up and smirked at him. “You’ll have to try harder; I can’t stay quiet for very long.” I glanced at my watch, “I need to get going back to the house.”

We walked out to the Buick, and I think Brian was impressed I drove it. The sun was setting over the nearby lake causing the horizon to glow warm yellow.

Brian turned and looked at me with his head tilted. “Do you remember that little island over there to the left?”

“Of course, I do. We spent an abnormal amount of time there when we were young. I’m glad you had a skiff with a motor, I never liked rowing.” I squinted my eyes and looked towards the island. I softly said, “I remember my first kiss at 14.”

I don’t know why I reminded Brian about that, now my cheeks were red, and I turned towards my car to avoid eye contact. “Ah, I need to head back, I left my mom alone and I’m not sure what trouble she’ll get into while I’m gone.”

“Can I see you again at least while you’re here?”

“Oh, your girlfriend won’t mind?” I glanced up to his eyes, not sure what answer I wanted to hear. Why did he make me nervous?

Brian laughed. “I don’t have time to break-in a new girlfriend. Besides, it takes too much energy.” Looking towards the lake for a moment, then turning back to me, he continued, “After Emily passed, I just wanted to concentrate on raising my son.”

I smiled at him; he was still so handsome after all these years. “Sure, Brian, I’d love to see you while I’m here. It’ll get me out of that crappy old house of mine. Give me your phone and I’ll put my number in it.”

I grabbed his phone, sent myself a text, so I’d have his number, too. I returned the phone and awkwardly got in my car, avoiding his gaze. “See you around, Brian.”

I tried to start my car, but of course the shit engine wouldn’t turn over. Brian just continued to smile at me and my lame attempts and finally said, “I think you’re flooding it.”

I stopped and took a deep breath. I knew there were no jumper cables in the old beast. “Can I text you now for a jump?”

Brian furrowed his brow and tapped his finger on his chin. “I don’t have cables in this car, just my truck, but I’ll give you a ride home and we can figure it out from there. I think you need to get home to your mother sooner rather than later.”

We got into his Mercedes, a beautiful car and one I didn’t expect he’d own. Handsome, sweet and good taste; Brian was full of surprises today.

We pulled onto my mother’s street and were immediately met by police and ambulance lights flashing in front of her house. Brian pulled over and I leaped out and ran to the police. “I’m her daughter, Karen Elliott, what happened? Where’s my mom? I just left her to go to the store!”

“She’s fine now, the neighbors saw her walking on the sidewalk in just her nightgown. The ambulance is going to take her to the Emergency Room just to make sure she’s OK.” The police officer put his hand on my shoulder. “Sometimes, older people start to wander, the ER doctors can evaluate her.”

Brian came over and put his arms around me. “It’ll be alright; she’ll get the help she needs.” He gently smoothed his hand down my back. Brian felt so familiar, so right, like we never missed any of the years separating us. I started crying quietly; I’ve been dealing with everyone else’s problems, and nobody ever seems to be there for me.

“I’ll drive you to the hospital, Karen, don’t worry about your car. I got you.”

We reached the emergency room and quickly ran in. I was so tempted to throw a fit to get the receptionist’s attention, but he foiled my inner ‘Karen’ and waved me over immediately. I introduced myself and he nodded. “The doctor is examining your mother now; he should be out shortly to update you.”

We sat in the ER’s waiting room in their lovely hard, plastic chairs that were made specifically to annoy anxious family members. Or maybe just to annoy me, I can never tell. Brian had left to get me a cup of coffee and I was kind of missing him.

“Hey, pretty girl, here’s some coffee.” Brian sat next to me and handed me the cup while he seemed to be studying my face.

“Wow, I didn’t know your eyes were so bad, how do you work in construction?” I rolled my eyes as I drank it.

Brian frowned, “Karen, stop it. All I see when I look at you are the same beautiful brown eyes I used to stare at when we stayed out on the island together.”

I put my head down and ran my fingers through my hair, pushing it off my face. I hadn’t had a decent haircut in months, and it had grown long. I should take better care of myself.

“I’m sorry, Brian, I’m just really stressed right now.” I glanced up at him and mumbled, “and I’m not used to compliments. When you’re a woman of my age, people don’t see you.”

Taking my face in his hands, Brian whispered, “Karen, I see you.”

The doctor took that exact time to come out to talk to me. Of course, why not spoil a tender moment.

“Hi, Karen Elliott? I’m Dr Olguin, I examined your mother. Can we talk for a minute?” We all sat down in a quiet area in the waiting room.

“Your mom is physically fine, but she does have increasing mental deficits from what I can see from her records. This is affecting her ability to live independently. I’m going to admit her tonight and her doctor will do further tests. I think the hospital social worker will be in touch with you to see about a safe discharge plan for her, I don’t think she can be left alone anymore.”

Brian and I stared at each other after the doctor left. He reached over and took my hand, rubbing his thumb over the top. I closed my eyes tightly, trying not to cry.

“I need to call my daughters and let them know their grandma’s condition and that I might be here in New Hampshire longer than I had planned.”

Calling Hawaii isn’t like calling Siberia; it connected quickly, but it might as well have been Far Eastern Russia. I felt so distant and detached from my daughters and it surprised me. When did I start feeling like I was not a real person to them? They were sad about grandma, but they were more concerned when I could come out to help them. Apparently, it’s so hard to take care of your own damn kids when there’s all these Christmas parties to attend. Don’t get me wrong, I love my grandkids, but how did I raise such selfish people? When did I become such a codependent doormat? Of course, it came on gradually, over years of deferring dreams and always being the good wife; following my husband’s passion and success since he was the bread winner. I used to love my life. Brian and I spent years laughing, enjoying each other’s company and, yes, loving each other. Why did I let that go? Why did I let him go?

“How was the phone call?” I was flushed and frowning; Brian could tell it went poorly. He had been nothing but supportive of me this whole time, and I’m not an easy person to warm up to lately.

“Not great. Apparently, my presence is needed in Hawaii as a childcare worker, not helping my dementia riddled mother here.” I rubbed my hands over my face and then glanced at him. “It seems everyone wants a piece of me.”

Brian stared at me with those beautiful blue eyes, still making me catch my breath after all this time.

“What do you want, Karen?”

I didn’t answer right away, I just looked down at the floor, thinking and gathering courage. It’s now or never, Karen. I looked at him quickly and whispered, “You.”

He came over and wrapped his arms around me, kissing me like we were teenagers again.

Brushing my hair back, Brian said, “I’ve been waiting for that answer since I first spotted you in the store.”

Linking his arm, I looked up and smiled, “Well, Merry Christmas! Let’s get the hell, er, heck out of here!”