All She Needed Was Reassurance

All She Needed Was Reassurance 

By Anneka Geddes

Lea looks down at her empty hands, the hands she’s convinced are not her own. Two strides to the left is her cloudy mirror, she lifts her ghostly hands and lets her fingers brush upon her cheekbones. The last time her mirror was clean was three years ago, the collection of dust has been growing since the day she lost all connection with the girl in the mirror. Lea’s absence of thought is interrupted by her sisters call from another room,

“C’mon! We’ve gotta go soon, I’ll meet you outside.”

It takes Lea a couple minutes to remind herself where it is that she and her sister have to be so early in the morning. She’s less than pleased when she remembers the deal with their parents. This deal has been in place for at least a year now, Lea wonders how she lets it slip out of her mind so easily, since it is something she does fairly often. Every three weeks Lea and her sister Tasia go out for brunch with their parents. A year and a half ago the sisters moved away from home, just when Lea had turned seventeen. Their parents had never been the loving, affectionate type, they fought a lot. You wouldn’t dare call them a married couple, despite the fact they are. Technically they’ve never gotten a divorce, since that was too much of a hassle and neither could afford it. 

Here Lea was, standing in front of the same mirror she’s had since she was 10, it’s the one thing she made sure to hold on to during the move. She finds it hard to believe there was a time where nothing seemed off when looking at the figure before her. She hasn’t figured out how to explain what exactly was different, 

but she knew it was something. She quickly gets dressed, using the hands she doubts are her own. She pulls on a long knitted sweater and some dark blue jeans. Finally, she reaches for her black boots, at this moment something shifts, the feeling that something is off intensifies. She has experienced this shift before, the shift causes her to feel 

as though she is watching herself from outside her body. Sort of like a dream where you are watching yourself, or like a movie in which you are the main character, yet neither option was the actual case. It wasn’t a dream or a movie, it was her life. With this confusing change in point of view, distances and proportions distort as well. 

Lea pulls out her phone to check the time, only to see that her hands and phone have shrunk to the size of a pink eraser. Her stomach drops and so does her phone onto the floor. Instead of bending down to retrieve her phone Lea stumbles over to her mirror, but forces her eyes tightly shut and shakes her head before she can see her 

reflection. She does this in hopes that when she 

opens her eyes again she’ll snap out of it. Whatever it is. 

Before she even begins to open her eyes, somehow 

she knows nothing will have changed. Yet as they open 

she still feels defeat. Something was still off…

“Lea! Almost ready?” calls her sister.

Lea realizes she doesn’t have time to dwell on her confusion right now and mindlessly carries on with getting ready. Her unpleasant state regularly disrupts her personal daily life, but occasionally the distortions are too much. Sometimes the misperceptions can seem too real.

         ***

Three weeks ago; the last time Lea and Tasia met with their parents, Lea had been feeling on edge. The family of four were seated at a round table in the usual cafe. So far, to them, everything seemed fine, until Lea’s enlarged perception of them became too real. The words the large cut-out creatures’ spoke were drowned out by a wave of loud unintelligible 

mumbles of the surrounding 

cafe guests. Lea saw her mother's lips moving but somehow could not make 

out any words. This cafe was quiet, there was no way the low mumbles could ever 

actually over power the voices of her family members who were seated right before her. Soon the 

faces of her parents grew visibly confused, as Lea 

hadn’t said a word for a while, despite the fact 

multiple questions were being directed at her. Lea’s inability to make out their words caused a sheer panic to surge all throughout her body, she found herself unable to form a sentence of her own. She sat frozen and hoped all of this would just stop, but it didn’t, her next instinct was to get out of here and so she did. 

She got up from the silent round table and rushed through the meaningless mumbles and finally reached a restroom. She sat alone in a stall with her face in her palms as silent tears fell to the bathroom floor. Eventually she lifted her head, momentarily confused as to where the water 

droplets near her boots came from. 

They were from me. I was crying. They’re mine. 

This simple and obvious acknowledgement somehow put Lea a little more at ease. 

She got up out of the stall, only to see her sister. Something was still off but gradually the sound of her words faded back in. 

“Are you okay? What happened, why’d you run off like that?” 

her concerned sister asked. 

Lea insisted she was fine and probably just needed to be alone for a second, not 

wanting to worry her sister. Together they made their way back to the table as though nothing had happened, and they finished their lovely family brunch. 

         ***

Replying to her sister, as she rushes down the stairs, Lea calls, 

“I’m coming, I’m coming.”

The sisters hop in Tasia’s car, Lea in the passenger's seat of course. Her sister starts the car and sets out to the familiar brunch cafe. Lea turns the radio dial on and switches to her favourite station. She’s slouched back 

in her chair and gazing out her window as she slowly 

falls asleep. 

Still woozy from her nap Lea is awoken by some shoulder taps. 

“We’re here, wake up.” says Tasia calmly.

Lea sits up, and the sisters exit the car. Lea follows 

Tasia’s strides. Lea is looking down at their feet in an effort to minimize squinting. It’s quite a nice sunny day but Lea had just woken up and 

the brightness was not very welcoming to her eyes right now. They reach a large building, Lea looks up and over to her sister as if she's about to say something.

“Yes, I know this isn’t the cafe Lea, I just quickly have to drop off a note for someone.” 

Lea, still a little confused, goes along with it. She follows her sister into what looks like a lobby or some type of waiting room. Right when Lea goes to sit down she unexpectedly encounters her parents. 

Lea, disoriented, wonders why they would be here too, but before she could get a question out, her sister reappears from a separate hallway and guides Lea and their parents to a different room. Lea sensed something was strange yet she went along with whatever it was her sister had to do, she trusts her. Lea looks around the room, there is a desk with a rather old computer sitting on it, papers, a handful of abstract paintings hung along all four 

walls, then she looks at the open door and notices a little plate fixed on it that says Dr. McEwan. A heightened foreboding rushes through 

Lea’s body.

“Tasia, wha- why are we all here, I-I’m just gonna go wait in the car.”

Before Lea stands up her sister grabs her arm and says, 

“It’s okay Lea, I know you’re going to kill me, but I’ve read your journal, I’m worried about you and I-we all want to help.” 

gesturing towards their parents.

Tasia notices Lea’s uneasy panic and tries to reassure her.

“Everythings okay, they are going to help, okay?”

Before Lea can reply, a doctor walks into the room. He introduces himself, and quickly gets to the point. He tells Lea and her family he’s found her diagnosis. After careful analysis of Lea’s 

symptoms seen throughout her journal and through observations described by her family members, he was able to come to a conclusion. 

“Lea, you have the psychiatric dissociative disorder known as 

Depersonalization/

Derealization. This is a type of dissociative disorder that consists of persistent or recurrent feelings of being 

detached from one’s body or mental processes…”

Lea sees little drops of water falling to her feet, only then does she realize she’s started to cry. The doctor's voice becomes clearer and clearer, every word stings with clarity.

“In your case, evident symptoms are described all throughout your journal. You often feel emotionally and physically numb and detached, you feel disconnected from your memories and are unable to remember them clearly. Distortion of yourself and your surroundings is another common symptom you show. For example, objects may seem flat or smaller or larger than they are, patients with DPDR tend to experience a sense that your body, legs or arms appear distorted, enlarged or shrunken. Sounds may also seem louder or softer than they are; your perception of time is distorted, to the point 

where recent events feel like distant past.”

The doctor pauses and looks at Lea and her family. 

“These symptoms are almost always distressing for the patient. It must be known that clinical criteria states a patient with DPDR knows that their unreal experiences are indeed not real. In other words, they have an intact sense of reality, differentiating this disorder from a psychotic disorder. So there is an understanding within the patient that their perceptions are not actually real or possible, yet experiences are still understandably frightening and confusing. The main thing someone with DPDR should remind themselves of is that even when everything seems off, you are in no danger, your perceptions cannot harm you. You too know this is true somewhere inside you, you need to understand you’re safe. You are safe.” 

Lea’s silent tears burst into loud cries as she looks at her sister and parents, still in jumbled disbelief of this safety. Lea’s sister and parents begin embracing her, 

tears in their eyes. 

Then softly but surely, her mother says with utmost sincerity, 

“Lea you are safe. I promise, you are safe.”

Hearing those once artificial words from the one she's 

needed to hear them from most, enabled Lea to finally accept their truth for the first time. 

Lea’s cries turned into cries of pure relief and love. 

She hugs her family so tight and, without hesitation, lets herself gently close her tired eyes as the ones who love her most surround her with the protection she’s always needed.  

“Lea.

You are safe. You are safe.”