I HAD A REASON NOT TO.

 I followed the movement of the clock hands eagerly waiting for school day to end by the ring of a bell. My patience would soon be no more as time moved slowly and the teacher wasn't making the lesson any better for me. It was as if he was talking to himself. I wasn't the only lost student in his class. History class was the most boring class. All we had to do was sit down and listen to the teacher mumbling about the past as if he existed then. All I cared about was the future and what it had in store for us either bad or good but within the next three hours my own future would be no more. I didn't care because my life didn't matter any more to me if to others meant nothing. The only way to fix that was if I never existed any more. Finally the bell rang and I was free of the unending torture. I carefully picked up my bag without even asking any questions about the lesson. I had to make it quick and painless so I stole a gun from my father's office. He could not notice because all he needed it for was self defense. I had managed to sneak it to school in my bag that morning without any one noticing . Everything was falling into place when suddenly as I roamed the school hall ,I happened to bump into the school dean of studies. "Hello Spence I believe we had to meet today to talk about your performance in school because it is not satisfying. Please follow me to my office," he said. One thing I did not have in my hands was time. After a thirty minute lecture from the dean , I had to reach home before my parents. I decided to take the elevator instead of walking down all those stairs. Elevator closes and I was finally in motion keeping myself busy with the music in my headphones. Suddenly it stopped moving and the lights were out. Once again I was filled with total disappointment . Truly the universe did not want me to leave and find my peace elsewhere . Or maybe it was giving me a chance to do it without any more distractions. All I could see around me was darkness. I turned my phone's flashlight on and tried to find the gun in my bag. It was all becoming a heavy tow on me. My life was a mess and I had the chance to fix everything without anyone's help. It was finally time to end my suffering , to finish it all and to end my existence which no one would notice at all even though it would not make any difference to any one. On my right hand a 187 mm SIG Sauer. The one thing that would bring harmony to me unless that's what I thought. My dad had taught me how to cock a gun. As I cocked it my mind was set back to the first time I learned to do so. It was just my dad and I in his office . It was not his intention but I just happened to find it in his desk . ''Son ,one day I might not be here and mom might be in trouble so I want to teach you how to use this to protect her'' said my dad. Back then I was only seven years old. Before blowing my own brains out I had to make a call. If anyone knew my intentions they would not be able to find me either way. ''Hello ,Clara can you hear me ?'' I asked . Clara was my girl my soulmate, my everything or so I thought. To her I meant nothing any more. Our relationship started off so good with happiness and joy but with time insecurities took over and she got scared and backed out . Since then I was the only one trying to make things work and it did was not going well because I would end up hurting and making a fool out of myself . I remembered working an extra shift just to get more money to take her out for a date ,buy her something special and go to the movies at the end of the day but the tables were turned and it seemed that I was making plans for myself. She ditched me to go for a concert with another guy and his friends . No matter how much I tried to make things work with the girl I loved she just made things harder for me . It broke my heart knowing that I still fell for someone who did not feel the same and if she did, it was once upon a time rather than the present. I pointed the gun to my head shedding tears, asked myself, "Am I not good enough for anyone ? why is it that she does not love me any more?'' It was all painful knowing that I would not end up with that one person that I considered to be my perfect someone. My father loved me when I was a child but after I started off with school everything changed. I was not smart or athletic or talented at all . I was just but a normal teenager behind the walls of the school not because I wanted to do so but because if I did not go my father would beat me like I wasn't of his own blood. He really got into my nerves all the time. I would come home with bad grades and he would hit me with his own bare hands and kick me like a dog. Thereafter he would look at me in disgust and mention that I was worthless to him , nothing but a stupid brat . ''You bring nothing but shame and disappointment to this family in fact you are a disgrace to the family name" he would say out loud . My mother would watch him beat me even though it scared her she could do nothing . My life was a mess and so was I. I closed my eyes and whispered inside the elevator all those names that he would call me , worthless , a shame ,useless brat. I had every reason to pull the trigger and make it all go away .My life was not easy with all that pain running through my veins. My pain was telling me to pull the trigger because I had every reason to but then my mind said otherwise. A question came to mind . Do I have a reason not to pull the trigger and do I not mean anything to myself ?The two questions that slowed everything down in the elevator .As brave as I was stealing the gun , I had not the courage to pull the trigger and deprive myself of the good life I had ahead of my pathetic one . I cried and cried it all out and my mind was all clear . Maybe people might not be by my side or even my family but I had myself to think of and worry about . Everything was a mess but I had someone to make it better and that someone was myself .The lights came back and the elevator was on so I put the gun back in my bag before the doors opened ,ready to step  out and make a difference for myself .