Jacob's hues of darkness

The reflection of the beautiful night sky made the lake glisten, and it appeared as if a million fireflies lit up the lake. The seductively beautiful night showed off a magically glowing lake with a starlit sky. This would have made the perfect romantic way to pop the question and get Anna to say yes. A wispy ambrosial smell was in the air, with the night sky having adorned herself with the richest of rich diamonds covered in a velvet gown.

Could it be this serendipitous moment that I needed all this while? Just when I was at the point of giving up, the universe is answering me with unbridled kindness and empathy. In less than a few minutes I was screaming and singing, “I am a champio-o-o-on”! I wouldn’t have believed it myself if someone had took a video of me that night, I was full of spunk and energy. From a morose man with deep seated childhood trauma that entrapped me in a vicious cycle of insecurities to this. Whoa. Maybe coming to this retreat was the best decision I have ever made in my life. Is this what the Glory of God feels like? I mean how could I have not noticed such splendor before.. This appeases my soul.

I spent the night gazing at the gazillion stars in the sky, and with every hour that passed I could not stop thinking of Anna. After this trip, I knew I was going to propose to her. The first time I saw Anna, I was dressed sloppily and wondering why everyone’s attention in the room was getting sidetracked. Did she turn heads? Yes, you thought right she walked the walk, talked the talk, had the most beautiful personality filled with charisma and this is me just getting started. She was the only peace I found in my life filled of chaos, her warmth started a fire in me, and she always knew how to graciously handle any situation. This beyond amazing woman is going to soon be my wife! I wish I had the chance to ask her to dance under this beautiful sky. It possessed a surreal mix of reality and fantasy.

Eventually, I fell asleep peacefully through the night. This was a familiar feeling of childhood, it felt like I was resting my head on mom’s lap. I felt as if I was cuddled by mum, while she gently swayed with rhythmic movement with gentle self composed music. Dawn broke, and as I woke up I tried cleaning my eyes. Everyone stepped out of their tents to a beautiful day with birds chirping, fluffy white cotton candy clouds, and a golden sun ready to greet us. The days at the retreat were going rather smoothly.

Little did I know I was going to receive a call that would change my life forever. It was the last night of my retreat, I was yearning to go home and take back the happiness that life had snatched away from me. I had got a call from my neighbor and he had asked me why would a man of morals be with such a indecent, and a reckless woman. “The whole town knows about her deeds, and it wouldn’t surprise me if they are currently planning to have a skimmington. Jacob, Anna is being charged with a lecherwite.“ My phone fell from my hand to the ground and my heart sank. I felt completely numb and I could not process my thoughts. I felt empty from my core. I kept questioning myself and wondering how much more heartache can a man carry. As we hit the road, before approaching home I felt myself withdraw from everything and become the most miserable person alive. The road that my soul was traveling felt like a familiar place just this time it was getting darker and windier.

Days began to pass and I just wanted to be left alone, yet I also felt terrified of being alone at the same time. I felt monsters suffocate me every night to the extent I woke up gasping for my breath. I flinched every time work friends came over to see me. I suddenly stopped going to work because I just didn’t have the strength anymore to work. A few weeks later I woke up in a hospital room unaware of what happened with a strong scent of disinfectants infiltrating my cells. I felt disoriented, drowsy, heavily medicated and everything about life felt pointless. A few days later psychiatrists from the hospital had visited me, yet I could still not make sense of all the events that were occurring. I fell into a deep state of depression. My life was no more in my control, it felt as if someone had a PlayStation controller in their hand maneuvering their way through my life. My soul was screaming, Enough!

All the unsafe messages that I received during my childhood kept surfacing and making me feel even more wounded. I recall having no one to share my pain with, struggling to do things on my own, and functioning on survival mode the whole time. I cannot recall having weak moments or being able to feel vulnerable and protected. Although I always felt comfort from knowing my mum’s spirit is guiding me. Every time I closed my eyes to sleep, I kept having nightmares. It was based on familiar childhood incidents that frightened me.

As the days progressed my soul screamed louder, it yearned for something I lost. Yet, I quite couldn’t put my finger on it. I was discharged from hospital, and a few days later I had met a cancer survivor at the famous children’s park in our neighborhood. Her life seemed so full, and she was a ray of sunshine. Happiness oozed out of her and she sparkled like champagne with life pouring out of her. After speaking to her for hours, I felt reconnected with life. I knew I had a bigger purpose in life.

Two years later I started coaching people who wanted a sound mental health. Mental health is everything, but it is one thing that’s the most underestimated in our lives. Our minds are the most powerful weapon, and we have to master it in order to conquer life. If not we self destruct. At that moment I knew all my life I yearned for inner peace, I lost it at a young age or who knows if I just never had it. The greatest part of it all is everything could be reversed. Every event in my life thus far felt like I was opening Pandora’s box and I was swarmed in troubles, but here I am reconnecting with life after loss.

I deserve a chance to be happy, and I am going to give myself that chance. To new beginnings and living life in the best way possible. Love life a little more and the universe will come together with everything to support your love for life. Dark phases are only present in our lives to create brighter versions of ourselves.