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Fiction Funny

     Nervous, excited energy permeated every bone, fiber and nerve of Jean-Claude's body as he waited for Madame du Pompadour and her entourage to approach. He had assembled a stunning display of the finest Vincennes porcelain France would ever produce and desperately hoped Madame would find the sumptuous offerings to her taste. Jean-Claude poured his heart and soul into its manufacture and couldn't decide if the china or the mistress of Louis XV commanded the greater attention. 

      Madame du Pompadour wasn't the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, but was very handsome with fine eyes, exquisite complexion and elaborate hairstyle that took hours to achieve. She was blessed with great charm, lively wit and a rumored sexual charisma that kept her in the King’s favor. The icing on the cake was that Madame first patronized and then financed the porcelain factory. This support allowed Jean-Claude to pursue his passion and obsession while creating objects that were as valuable as gold. In his eyes, she was perfection itself and ranked higher in his esteem than the mother of his children. 

        When Madame acknowledged him, making eye contact, he gave a deep bow and hoped his knees wouldn't buckle under him. He gave her proffered hand a kiss and she made her way over to the collection. Teapots, cups, plates, bowls, vases, candlesticks, jugs and water basins took pride of place on the ornate gilded table. Madame requested only pieces decorated in the most luxurious pattern-ce’leste bleu- be shown. The background color of sky blue put a robin’s egg to shame. Sprays of delicate flowers and plump peaches and cherries painted by the most skilled artists decorated the surfaces. Gold gilding like the rays of the sun highlighted each piece. Madame pointed to a huge water pitcher and cover, a large basin and grand tray. 

       Jean-Claude congratulated Madame on her excellent taste and exclaimed, “Just think of all the visitors to your salon who will envy this service. Only Royalty and the very wealthy can afford this luxury!” Jean-Claude supervised the careful packing and loading and gave a wistful sigh as the carriages pulled away and headed back to Versailles. 

        Madame Pompadour enjoyed these pieces for the next ten years. They were used daily in her hours-long preparation for the day or evening ahead. Foreign dignitaries, members of the court and Louis himself admired these permanent fixtures in her salon. Louis had them placed in his own bedchamber after her death in 1764 as a reminder until his own passing in 1774. His son, Louis XVI, gifted them to his bride, Marie Antoinette, when he assumed power. The Queen used them as part of her daily ritual until just before her gruesome appointment with the guillotine in 1793. She arranged to have them sent to her rumored lover, Axel von Fersen so they wouldn't fall into destructive hands. Axel was a Swedish Count, who was lynched by a Stockholm mob in1810 because he was falsely rumored to have poisoned the Swiss King. A light-fingered servant swiped them upon hearing about Axel's death. The pieces found another home when they were sold on the black market to a wealthy English traveler. They sat in grand display on the library shelves of a magnificent estate in Kent until 1850. Unfortunately, the owner forgot to squirrel them away when Queen Victoria paid a visit. She often “requested “ beautiful pieces of china to add to her extensive collection and sent her servants to pick up the “voluntary “ donations. The set found its final resting place in Kensington in 1899, when Victoria donated it to the Victoria and Albert Museum. It made its journey across the pond when on loan to the Met for an exhibition on 18th century porcelain in 2008.

                        2008

       Darren hunched over and held his head in his hands in a vice grip as Dory promoted her agenda for the day ahead. It wasn't going well for Darren. He sighed and looked at the Charizard and Pikachu costumes hung up on the door hooks. He feebly tried to push back on Dory, but the thunderous headache handicapped his fighting ability. He said, “You promised we'd go to the Comic Con Convention in Saratoga today.”

         Dory smelled capitulation and said, “We were into this stuff years ago in high school. I was startled when you told me that you even like to dress up like the Pokémon characters when we were at the reunion last week. You caught me by surprise. Since then, this much better plan of going to the Met-absorbing culture and scoring a few brownie points with my boss- came up. It is a much better way to spend the day. We could maybe go to your weird convention tomorrow. “

         Darren peered at her from the sofa and she was a blurry haze. His coke-bottle glasses sat on the stand at the other end of the couch but he had forgotten they were there. He said, “ I figured you'd love to dress up like Pikachu, he was your favorite. When you said yes, I ran out and got the costumes. We're not as nerdy now, but hoped we could have a little nostalgic fun.”

            Dory planted herself on the sofa and gave Darren a deep passionate kiss. She pulled herself away after a minute and said, “We recaptured a little magic last night. I understand you need to hang out with the geeks because it helps with your game design career. Can't we do my plan today? I’ll make it worth your while.” 

          Darren couldn't resist and knew he was defeated. He said, “Sure, you win.” 

         Dory gave a triumphant yell and said, “I’ll make us breakfast while you get ready. I just need to change and put on makeup since I've showered already. You're an angel.” She gave him a light peck and then ran into Darren's kitchen. 

        Darren sighed and pulled himself up from the sofa. His head was still throbbing. He reached for his cell and glasses on the nearest sofa table, to no avail. He recalled they were on the other stand and his hand located his phone. Unfortunately, he never heard the glasses as they hit the thick gray carpet. His right slippered foot made solid contact and he heard the sickening crunch. He reached over, picked them up, and saw they were destroyed even with his 20/200 vision. He thought, “This day is going well,” as he made his way to the bathroom. 

         As he looked at his blurry image in the mirror, he couldn't decide whether to shave or not. The first order of business was to get rid of this rotten headache. He reached into the medicine cabinet and found the narrow bottle of aspirin. He twisted off the cap, quickly poured 3 tablets into his left hand, popped them in his mouth and downed them with running water from the tap.

         He fumbled around for the razor and Barbasol. Dory probably would prefer it if he shaved. As he made the last pass on his left cheek, he felt the sharp pain of the gouge the dull razor made. “Damn, that hurt! ,” he thought and proceeded to make the identical mistake on his right one. He patched his wounds with bits of toilet paper after his shower. Darren walked to the bedroom, pulled his spare pair of glasses from the chest drawer and got dressed. A sudden dreadful thought popped into his brain. Darren raced to the bathroom with his newly acquired sight and realized the “aspirin “ he left on the sink was actually Duke's phenobarbital. His beloved seizure-prone Husky was being dog-sat by his parents for the weekend. With some trepidation, he entered the kitchen to face Dory and get breakfast. 

      Dory looked up from the pan of eggs she was scrambling and took in the pitiful sight of Darren. His backup pair of ugly black thick glasses, repaired in the center with a piece of masking tape, competed with his battle-scarred cheeks for attention. His untied sneakers completed his look. 

        She exclaimed, “You can't go like that-you're a total geek. Don't you have a pair of contacts? Is the toilet paper necessary? Why don't you tie your sneakers?”

        Darren squeezed his eyes tight and tried to focus while he assembled his defense. His dog's medication was already making him tired, dizzy and nauseous. He said, “I lost a contact last week and just stepped on my good pair of glasses. These are the only ones I have. I hope the bleeding will stop. As for the sneakers, don't you remember leaving them untied was my signature look? I still wear them that way .”

       Dory said, “ Well, you could be a grown-up for the day and wear a nice pair of loafers instead.”

       Even in his slightly muddled state, Darren had a little fire in the belly to do battle with his ex from high school and potential girlfriend once again. He said, “We completely changed plans for the day. I have a rip-roaring headache. My razor did a number on my face. I'll have to spend a few hundred to replace my glasses.” 

      Darren thought hard for a minute and continued. 

       He said, “I'm not giving in on the sneakers. I want to be comfortable and wear them the way I like. Oh, by the way. You're going to have to drive to the Big Apple because I accidentally took Duke's medication and I'm a little groggy and dizzy. “

       Dory asked, “You did what? Will you be able to get around? I'll let the sneakers go, but you can't embarrass me in front of Edward, Mary and Libby. Please don't wear those ugly glasses in front of my co-workers.”

       Darren watched the room spin in a slow circular motion. He protested, “I won't be able to see the paintings and other artwork. These specs don't look so bad. “

        Dory handed Darren a plate of scrambled eggs and toast. She gave him a brief kiss and said, “You look so much more handsome without the glasses and everyone can see your beautiful brown eyes. Just wear them on the ride down and back. I'll take your hand and be your personal tour guide at the museum. We can go to Comic Con tomorrow.” She almost suggested he change his outfit, but didn't dare press him further. 

        Darren finished his breakfast and thanked Dory. His stomach started to rumble and he hoped the medication wasn't making him sick. He grabbed Dramamine from the medicine cabinet, stuck it in his pocket and locked the door behind him. They climbed into Dory’s Jeep and drove south to New York. 

          Darren was a hot mess. In addition to his legally blind status, he was prone to motion sickness when he was a passenger and not driving. Dory's aggressive road maneuvers were making him nervous. The choice was vomiting or taking Dramamine. Darren fished the tablets from his pockets and washed them down with his bottle of water. Thank goodness his headache was gone and his stomach gradually improved after several minutes. The spinning continued and he began to get very sleepy. 

         Dory was dressed to the max in a black cocktail dress, high boots and cashmere wrap. Her dark hair was pulled back into an elegant ponytail and her makeup carefully applied. She was ready to do battle with the city. She peppered Darren with questions. “How many video games have you invented? Which one has earned the most money? Is it the role playing one with vampires? How often do you see Dante? Did you make enough to buy a nice house yet?”

          Darren's tongue felt thick from the effects of the medication. He was able to field her questions with only monosyllabic answers. He gazed at her and thought about how much she had changed. They once were both nerdy and liked video games and Dungeons and Dragons. Dory went to Pratt and started hanging out with people that were into high style and fashion. Darren attended community college and transferred to RPI for a new undergraduate program in video game design. They drifted apart-Darren essentially staying the same while Dory worked for an upscale auction house in Boston, hob-nobbing with wealthy clientele. Their class reunion last week provided the opportunity to see each other again and was a middle ground. Darren tried harder than normal and Dory less so. Darren drifted in and out of consciousness on the ride down, catching snatches of Dory’s non-stop monologue. Dory didn't mind, she was her favorite subject. 

          Dory parked the car and had to poke Darren in the ribs to get him to wake up. She combed his unruly hair into place, misted him with her unisex cologne and shoved a couple of breath mints in his hand. She said, “ Please be on your best behavior and try to make a good impression. Edward is owner of the auction house and Mary is his wife. Libby is my frenemy. They're very wealthy and sophisticated. It's a great honor for them to ask me here to check out the new Picasso exhibit .”

       Dory’s cell rang and she answered the call with the sweetest tone Darren ever heard her use. She said, “ You're already here and waiting just beyond the admission desk? You must have made record time from Boston. We'll be there in a second!”

       Dory whipped Darren's sorry glasses off his face and made him put them in his pocket. Once out of the Jeep, she grabbed him by the hand and pulled him along as fast as he was capable of to the entrance and admission desk. Once past these obstacles, she scanned the room quickly to locate her associates. Dory spotted her quarry and rushed across the room to greet them. She let go of Darren's hand and left him to fend for himself. 

        Darren tried to make his way over to the foursome, but the room was spinning violently and everything was a giant blur. He stepped gingerly as he tried to navigate the room. The simple task of putting one foot in front of the other was a nightmare. 

        The two hundred year old exquisite borrowed French porcelain set with its rich infamous Royal history sat in the glass case right in Darren's path. It didn't stand a chance. Darren tripped on his long shoelaces and slammed into the display, entwining his right leg with the right front leg of the case. He couldn't free himself and forcefully pulled away to disentangle his limb. The whole exhibit wobbled violently. In a slow motion chain reaction, the large water basin lurched to the left and smacked into the pitcher and cover in the center. The pitcher teetered, then fell left-smashing the large tray to bits. A carefully laid set of dominoes couldn't have performed better. The screams and gasps filled the gallery. Darren knew he screwed up but didn't have an appreciation of the damage until he put on his glasses. Dory’s black outfit contrasted nicely with the white-hot fury on her face. The white turned to beet-red as they were led away by guards to be questioned in the security office.

       The four hour inquisition wasn't pleasant for anybody. Dory whispered harshly into Darren's ear on the way to the office that he'd have to find his own way home. The party had to relocate to another room because Darren threw up all over the floor. That caused one of the security guards to vomit in another small chain reaction. Darren sat through the interview holding a bucket in his lap. He was very apologetic and cooperative. He volunteered for and was administered a breathalyzer. Darren had to fill out a ton of paperwork and answer a myriad of questions over and over again. Dory was interviewed as well. The most unpleasant part was the phone call with the Victoria and Albert Museum. They were none too happy and faxed over a ton of forms to be filled out. 

       While on a mid-interview break, Darren called his best friend Dante. They became best friends as high school freshmen when Darren tutored Dante in math. They bonded over video games. Darren became a basketball fan because of Dante's extreme talent and excellence in the sport and Darren helped Dante pull straight A's in algebra, geometry and trig. Dante now played for the Knicks and luckily for Darren, was currently on injured reserve. Dante drove straight over to the Met when he got the call and even had his own lawyer meet him there in case the interrogation went south. The museum said they couldn't press charges because it was an accident but the damage was in the seven figure range. Darren made a feeble joke about a Seinfeld episode in which the person doing damage could serve as butler to the wronged party as repayment. It didn't go over well. The museum said they might have to question him in the future. 

                        EPILOGUE 

       Darren stayed at Dante's apartment and they relaxed watching baseball. Dante couldn't help himself and was bent over with uncontrollable laughter as Darren told him about the horrible day. He made him repeat the story so he could absorb every last detail. Darren was mad at first, but then joined Dante in his laughing fit, finding the unbelievable humor in the situation. They both went to Comic Con the next day but Darren had to wear the Pikachu outfit. They hit on the idea of designing a laceless sneaker. Darren used the Dracula logo from his popular video game and Dante lent his NBA fame and iconic signature to market the footwear. They named them Biters. A percentage of the profits were donated to the two museums. The venture was a huge success and they started a whole new line of products. Dory left the art world and trained as a chef instead. She hung out with broccoli and gourmet cheese instead of the rich and famous. 

March 22, 2024 21:04

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1 comment

22:11 Mar 27, 2024

Each of these characters, with their unique quirks and backgrounds, bring to life the age-old conflict between high culture and everyday follies. I really enjoyed it!

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