Kray-zy in Love

‘Oh, hello stranger’ bellowed a familiar voice as Tilly made her way around the maze of book displays in her favourite bookshop in town. The book selection was ok, a bit too mainstream for her liking but the café was pretty cool and the waft of grinding coffee beans was the ultimate pick me up.

‘It hasn’t been that long but give me a hug gorgeous’ Tilly sank into a huge hug from her friend Vicky.

‘Vic, where on earth did you get this coat? You look like Elizabeth Taylor and why is your make up always immaculate?’

‘Well it kills the time, shopping and slapping on make-up. You are looking as fresh as ever. Have you lost weight? Not that there was anything of you before.’

‘No, well maybe a few pounds.’

‘it’s all that shagging.’

‘shhhh, someone will hear.’

‘What? That you’re a little minx in the boudoir department.’

‘shhh, I’m going to blush although I won’t deny the bedroom action has been superb.’

‘oh stop! I’m jealous. I do think it’s wonderful though. Just a few weeks ago you were saying you were going to be left on the shelf, next to the prunes because you thought every part of your body was shriveling up.’

‘Oh don’t be so dramatic. No, I didn’t. Well …maybe I did.’

‘Have I told you I’ve missed you?’

‘You silly sap. I’ve missed you. Right, I want to hear everything about your new man. Mr. Maida Vale.’

Tilly was so pleased to be catching up with one of her closest friends in Oxford. She’d got completely consumed by her new romance that she felt she’d really neglected her dear friend. She had met Vic when they were both working for a large international publisher on Milton Park just outside Oxford. They both worked in the marketing department but on different products and instantly hit it off as the rest of the team seemed to be full of ‘mean girls’. Tilly had recently left the company but they’d make a pact to catch up every fortnight. Since meeting Mr. Maida Vale, that pact had gone somewhat awry.

‘Right do you want to hear all about it from the start?’

‘Absolutely everything.’

‘How’s Richard?’

‘He’s fine, home with the cat, next to the fire probably reading his book on Stalin. I swear he’s eighty. That’s what happens when you marry young! Be warned!’

‘You two are gorgeous!’

‘Sometimes. Right, what are you drinking? I’m going to grab an extra-large gingerbread coffee.’ 

‘That sounds absolutely revolting. A cappo please’

‘Well, I’m going to need something to sip while you give me all the juicy sexy details.’

They grabbed their drinks and headed to a cosy corner of the café.

‘Ok so where to start. Here we go. Do you remember the first May bank holiday weekend? We had those crazy storms? Thunder and lightning,’

‘Very, very frightening’ Vic launched her operatic tones…

‘Yes, please don’t carry on with that…I know where you’re going with that. ‘

‘Oh yes it was so gusty. I asked Richard to bring in the dining table and umbrella and for a split second when I saw him carrying in the metal pole with the lightning striking, I wondered what I would wear at his funeral?’

‘You are so silly.’

‘Sorry, carry on…you were at storms’

‘ Well I had come back from work, and you know how it is on a Friday. Lisa, Jen, and Claire are always eager to consume cocktails but I really couldn’t be arsed. It’s like dragging blood from stone with them sometimes. Not another night out at the same shite towny bars with the same knobs and same rank wine. So I headed to the corner shop, grabbed some rank wine of my own and watched Bridget Jones diary. I then had the worst night sleep. I really couldn’t be bothered to jump on a train to Bath for a girls weekend but then I got a text from Erika saying, ‘really looking forward to seeing you and having a girlie catch up.’ So with that I went for a run and got myself to Bath.’

‘How’s Erika?’

‘Gorgeous as ever. She’s so trim. It’s all that running and rowing.’ 

‘And probably shagging’

‘What is it with you today?’

‘Sorry it’s the thought of the first flutters of romance. It takes me back. Anyhow continue.’

‘We met her friend Jess outside All Bar One and the drank quite a lot of wine with lunch while Erika told us that Steve, who she’s been seeing for 2 years has a long-term girlfriend. Oh, and Jess, goodness she’s involved with a married man. I wouldn’t have thought the two of them. They barely say boo to a goose.’

‘Come on, get to the bit where you meet Mr. Maida Vale.’

‘Oh yes so after an afternoon stumbling around Bath a bit squiffy, we headed back to Erika’s house just outside Bath and got ready for a night out. We headed for dinner at some bar where all the Bath rugby players seem to hand out. Saw Jeremy Guscott who played for Bath and England. Complete dish. Probably an utter wanker. We then headed to meet some rowing friends of Erika.’

‘Yummy, rowers, I bet they are absolutely gorgeous’

‘mmm, mostly middle-aged chaps but very sweet. When it was my turn to get a round, I found myself queuing behind a beautiful girl with an enormous bag. As she turned around, she walloped me and then quickly apologized. I hadn’t realized then that she was with Mr. Maida Vale. He later told me he’d seen me surrounded by lots of strapping rowers and thought I must be with one of them.’

‘We left the pub and Jess fancied another drink and so we headed to Po-Na-Na nightclub.’

‘Ooh I like the name. It sounds kinky. ‘

‘It’s great, you feel as if you’re entering the hidden depths of Bath. It’s just like a rabbit warren but with sweat dropping from the walls.

‘Lovely, I remember those days.’

‘What do you mean? You’re still young. We still go out?’

‘I know but Rich just seems to like cosy nights in for two with a 'two for one' deal from Marks and Spencer. Bit dull by comparison. Go on go on. When did you meet your Mr. Darcy?’

‘Almost there. Jess, Erika and I had a dance and then as we headed to the bar, a chap who looked sort of familiar, came up to me, reached out his hand and said, ‘Hello I’m Liam.’ He also said hello to Erika and Jess but asked if he could buy me a drink. The others got the hint, and Liam and I spent the next couple of hours drinking and chatting about all sorts in between snogging. ‘

‘And then shagging?’

‘No, we didn’t shag. Not then anyway.’

‘As we left each other that night, he took my number and asked if he could phone the next day. We then met for a walk around Bath and after lots more snogging, he asked if I’d accompany him to a rugby ball in London the following weekend.’

‘What did you say, YES PLEASE! All those men with their funny shaped balls.’

‘Honestly you are ridiculous.'

'So, what did you say?’

'I said, and he’s reminded me of this since ‘Can’t you find a girl in London?’ to which he replied, ‘Why would I need to find a girl in London when I’ve found you.’

‘Ooh I think I can feel my gingerbread latte coming up.’

‘Ha!’

‘And that’s it?’

‘Yes, we’ve been seeing each other for 3 months, 3 weeks and 3 days.’

Oh, that really is nauseating.’

‘So, when shall I buy a hat.’

‘Well, that’s the interesting bit. I met his family last weekend.’

‘What do you mean? Are they super posh and no one's good enough for their little boy?’

‘No quite the opposite.’

‘What do you mean? Are they completely crazy?’

‘yes, that’s it…Kray-sy’ K-R-A-Y-S-Y.’

‘Ronnie and Reggie Kray-sy?’

‘yes’

‘Holy shit. You mean 'Mr. Maida vale and I love to go skiing in Verbier’ is a gangster.’

‘Well yes, no not him and I’m not entirely sure but there were a lot of underlying organized crime vibes when I met them last week.’

‘Ooh do tell.’

‘Are you hungry? I’m starving. Shall we go to that lovely little Japanese opposite New College. I love the tiny hand painted cups they give you for the saki.’

‘Yes, let's go.’

As Tilly and Vic wondered along to the High Street, Tilly relayed that she had found it odd that Liam didn’t really speak about his family. He's not really said a thing about them, other than his parents used to go on lots of holidays when they were little and his older sister was in charge. I think she was only fifteen at the time.

‘So, what happened that gave you the criminal vibes?’

‘Last weekend, his mum invited us up for Sunday lunch. His Dad, Peter seemed very sweet; Liam has the same bone structure as him which I found adorable. When he answered the door to their rather large pile just off Gladstone Park, he ushered us quickly into the house and then walked to the end of the drive for a good look around before coming back in. He then closed the two doors with huge bolts before entering the large entrance hall. He took my coat and I noticed he placed it in a side room which he referred to as a closet, but I caught a glimpse of a TV style room, but it was full of what looked like very old TVs.

‘And what about his siblings? You said he had a couple of sisters?’

‘Well, this was what made me wonder. When I arrived his younger sister Catherine was upstairs apparently getting ready to go to 'The Club’. The doorbell rang and it was Pete’s best friend Michael and his wife Judy. They stopped for a drink and there was lots of chatter about how 'Sunday Lunch' was going to go at 'The Club' and would it go smoothly. Catherine then appeared at the door dressed in a ‘bunny girl’ style outfit. They all seemed to think that it was perfectly normal attire.’

‘Goodness, did you get invited to The Club?’

‘Michael then got a call from someone called Reggie...hence the Krays reference, to say 'Sunday Lunch' wasn't moving well and with that the whole family got their coats and said they had to head to 'The Club'. It's clearly code isn't it? I mean I know I'm an amateur at this detective lark but I have watched Inspector Morse and anything to do with moving food is usually drug related.'

'Holy shit, they do sound like criminals. What the hell are you going to do?'

‘Nothing but I did think I'm bring a sexy little nothing next time I'm seeing Liam and see if he fancies going to 'The Club'.

'You are a shocker.'

‘Right, enough about that. Lets talk about you now and you can tell me what you’re going to wear to Richard’s funeral.’