Overthink

March 7, 2007

Hi, my name is Emma. Me and my mom are having the best time I can have before the surgery I'm gonna have tomorrow. Its actually the first time I'm going to be in a hospital today ever since I was born, and I'm 18. I don't play sports that much, so I don't get fractures or dislocated shoulders. I'm not clumsy either. I'm pretty sharp and alert, so I don't fall and hurt my face or cut my self when helping Mom cook. So I have never been to a hospital since my birth. I guess all things come to an end. I am having a heart transplant because of a condition called Congenital heart disease (whatever that is), and it's very uncommon, so I've heard. It's usually a defect they can detect as soon as a baby is born, but they missed diagnosing me for it. Mom was always concerned about me ever since I started showing more symptoms of this disease since I was 5 (Yeah I know, 5 years old!), but you know. This doctor Job is a hard business to keep up with, I don't blame them. Mom says she loves that about me, I never Jump to anger, and actually, I like that about me too. Mom and I went to see a little movie, got some popcorn, and at the end of all that we got some ice cream at a little shop next to my house that I liked ever since I was a little girl. Eventually we got home, and me and mom talked and talked before the big day I was going to have tomorrow, but I could see that my mom was very worried about me. Of course, having this surgery at this old of age can mean a more of a fatality right. It's a huge miracle that I NEVER went to a hospital. I could have gone into cardiac arrest at some point in my life, but I didn't. 

"Mom, it's alright. I'm gonna be fine". I say

"I know honey. I'm just a little scared, it is a mother's job to be worried you know". She says these things, but I still feel bad. I feel like I'm a burden to here right now. We talk for a little while more than I get to bed. It was about 10'oclock when I went up. I look up at the ceiling, thinking what's about to take place tomorrow. I'm really surprised that I'm not worried enough. I mean its surgery, I should be worried out of my mind like a normal person, but I'm not. It just doesn't feel real. I start to feel drowsy and I can feel myself about to fall asleep. I get comfy and........

"AHHH"!!!!!! I wake and try to understand what is going on what happened?

"Where the hell did that scream come from?". I say. I quickly think about mom, and rush out of my room and go to her room. I see her lying on the floor her eyes closed.

"Mom?" There's no answer.

"MOM!" Still, no answer.

I go up to her body and shake her, then see if she's breathing........ and she's not. I panic and try to find the nearest phone to call an ambulance because I don't know what to do, all I can do is to keep telling myself not to worry. I call 911 and they pick up. I tell them about my situation and my address, and they eventually come.

March 8, 2007

It's been about 12 hours since they admitted mom to the hospital. I was admitted About 6 hours after she was because I have the surgery around 4'oclock, so I have to be ready. I got to see mom a few times, and she's ok. They say that she just passed out but......... I don't believe that. If you could've seen her in that ambulance, she turned like a purplish-blue. I don't think she just "passed out". My doctor and a couple of other doctors came into my room, they were very punctual. It was 4'oclcok on the dot when they came to prep me for my surgery. Well..... so I thought. When they came in, they had worried looks on their faces like they were about to tell me somebody died. Then I quickly thought of mom, Did something happen when I left her room?, did she die?, I thought. The doctors started to talk. “Emma, your mom had a heart attack and it affected her heart.” They looked straight at my face.

“She can’t keep the heart that she has right now, she will die if she doesn't have a heart transplant”.

“Ok? What does that have to do with me”. I say

"Well, there is no one else in the custody of your mother and her husband-" 

“We don't talk about my father.”

“Well, your father is not here to tell us what to do in the custody of your mother, and you're the next kin so-

“Wait, what kind of state is she in?”

“She’s in a medically induced coma, Emma.”

"Why can’t we just keep her on life support and see if he wakes up!"

Like I said, her heart is messed up, the heart is not pumping enough blood and oxygen to her brain.

I still don't understand, why does that involve-. My heart sinks. My heart transplant, they're asking me for my heart transplant.

“You're asking for my heart transplant, aren’t you”.

'We're not asking, we're just simply giving you a suggestion, you know how waiting lists are, they usually take forever for a donor to come up.

“Wait, what happens to me if you give away my transplant to my mom.”

“Well, since your heart is continually growing, and you're 18 at this point, your condition will start to deteriorate, I'm sorry to say Emma, but you're kinda looking about two days. Were even surprised that you're still alive, but your heart is going to fight itself”.

“Will my mom die if I don't give her the transplant?” I say to my doctor. He looks at me, then to the other doctors with him.

“Yes”. He says, “She will die”. My heart tightens up. I can feel the stress overwhelm me, I understand that the decision is up to me. Either I live and mom dies, or Mom lives and I die.

I feel tears going down my eyes, but I'm not forcefully crying. It's like it comes automatically. I have never experienced this feeling before in my life. I almost forgot the doctors were here, still looking at me. Waiting for me to make a decision. I take a deep breath and say to the doctors.

“I need some time to think.”

They look at me like I'm crazy for waiting, but my doctor sees them and sets them straight. Then, he looks at me.

“Ok Emma, but remember she doesn't have a lot of time, she has a day tops”

“Ok,” I say worriedly. I will make my decision before then”.

He nods his head and steps out of the room with the doctors near him. When all the doctors have exited my room. I close my eyes and think. Think, and think until my head hurts for thinking so much. I still don't believe this is happening. This is like a bad hair day. Wait, I shouldn't say that. It's inappropriate in this circumstance. Mom could die, like real dying. What happened? We were fine. Did mom have a heart attack because of me?, because I was having surgery the next day? I told her not to worry. Uggh, mom is always overthinking, looks where that's gotten her. She overthinks about me, herself, even……., No. I can't think like that. Dad was a bad person, and he didn't deserve her. He abused her for way too long. Sometimes her overthinking can kill her, but can also save her. I don't know how long mom would survive if she didn't leave dad. Then it hits me, I know what I'm going to do. The decision makes me cry and eventually turns into a sob. I cry for so long, that I don't stop until my doctor comes in and asks me what my decisions are since my mom’s time is up.

I tell him what I decided.

March 9, 2007

I’m about to go into surgery, I can't think anymore with all that thinking and crying I did yesterday. I feel like this decision I made is the best decision I could have made. I thought extensively, and it could be a little selfish, and I'm okay with that…… I think. They have me on a stretcher to go in the O.R. When I get in the O.R. They carry me onto the table, and somebody called an anesthesiologist puts a gas mask on me and asks me to count back from 10. I think about my life memories, and the wonderful mom I had over these years. ”10” I kinda wish now that I have seen my dad more, and hear both sides of the story why he left “9”. I get lost in my thoughts, and the anesthesiologist person tells me to keep counting.

“Ok sorry”.

“8”

“7”

“6”

“5”

I couldn't make up My Mind.

“4”

I hope this is right

“3”

I hope I don't cause any problems for the doctors

“2”

I hope she rejects my transplant, please overthink why I did this mom. 

“1”

“See you later, mom.”   

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