"What now...."

September 15, 2011

Where do I begin, er um, Billy here. This is sorta silly because men don't usually keep journals, but here it goes. Today was probably the lowest I have been. Sadie went back to her mother's; she has grown so much, I miss her before she leaves. Anyway, as the door closed, the bottle called me again. Since Sadie was here, I put it out in the shed. What am I doing? Where am I going? I want to be done with this. If for nobody else,then for my little girl.

October 1, 2011

Sadie just left, my wife thinks I am no good. I can see it in her eyes. I can't help the pain I feel and have felt since that horrible day. I can see in her eyes that she is unhappy and hurting too. I don't know what to do anymore. Counseling seems ridiculous, but I am a man writing in a journal for heaven's sake. How would I even suggest such a thing to her? She might even laugh at me. It is amazing what beliefs change when a tragedy is involved. Life is too short to be this miserable anymore. We have to do something.

November 17, 2011

Thanksgiving is next week. Carol and I have foolishly not told her parents of our recent struggles and separation, so we will be joing her family: brother, two sisters, their spouses and children for a thanksgiving weekend. God help us, this cannot be a good idea. Some charade to pull off.

I haven't had a drink in three weeks. That is a plus. It has not been easy at all. I feel loneliest at night, but I think of my baby girl and why I am doing this, and the desire subsides for the time being.

November 23, 2011

Sadie is excited to see her grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins; she always gets treats and kisses. Sadie is seemingly the only thing Carol and I smile at anymore.

Off to get them. Wish me the best.

November 24, 2011

Dinner was great, nothing crazy happened. I could feel myself relaxing as if there was nothing amiss in my small family. Nobody seemed to notice, or are they just not wanting to say anything? Anyway, I found Carol on the porch in her favorite sweater after everyone had calmed down. I didn't know where to start, so she put her hand on my shoulder, I um, cried, almost immediately, as if that little gesture was a weight being lifted. I still had no words. Who was this woman? Why was she so strong? How could she know what I have been feeling? Did she sense my loneliness? We went back to our room arm in arm; we never said a word.

November 25, 2011

We sat on the porch again, this time watching Sadie and her cousins. Carol spoke first, "We need therapy or something, I miss us." There it was, plain as day. I sat for what seemed like hours, stunned. This is why I fell in love with her, she somehow knew what I was thinking, usually before I knew. "Agreed." It was all that needed to be said.

February 15, 2012

We began counseling.....again. We actually agreed on everything that is important; that is rare. Sadie is our reason for even doing this. Five years ago, Carol and I would have both been firmly against counseling and maybe laughed at the suggestion of such a thing, but our end goal is the same.... to find our way back to blissful love and healing. I am happy that we know that we do still love each other.

March 21, 2012

This year has been.... it has just been, not better, not worse. Sadie is my one constant. Carol is smiling more; we are both much more relaxed, but something is missing. Call me silly, but we are missing our spark. Right now I feel that talking to each other is just out of courtesy, maybe a touch of something more. We aren't at that lazy, easy love anymore, that hasn't been there since...... in a while.

April 17, 2012

My heart feels a little lighter. We had a family picnic today. It was the most relaxed we have been in as long as I can remember. I think Carol felt it too. I wonder how affected Sadie has been in all of this. Her world has changed so much in her four years. Is she really four? Time flies but doesn't.

June 15, 2012

I jumped out of bed today actually feeling happy and excited to take on the day. I felt young again.

July 5, 2012

The fourth was a great day.... yes, I said, great. There was family and laughter and fireworks. I didn't feel as if I needed to cut through any tension with a knife, so yes, it was a great day.

September 15, 2012

This week is hard, as loss is remembered and all around us. It is a burden that we all share.

One day at a time.

October 26, 2012

The days have gotten much shorter and that chill crisp air brings a time for reflection and thought....... much thought.

I am in a much better place than I have been.

November 20, 2012

This year has gone by so quickly. Thanksgiving is here again, and there is much to be thankful for; life, health and family are always at the top of the list, but this year I am thankful for memories as well, for without them, how can we continue to grow?

December 24, 2012

We have been in counseling. It isn't as horrible as I thought it would be.

We went to the grave today; we felt that deep loss, our precious baby boy. Never will you be forgotten. We have received some sort of closure. We are no longer living in denial of what happened but rather embracing his precious few minutes on this earth. We are taking it one day at a time. Carol has come back home. I haven't even thought of alcohol. My family means much more to me than that.

January 1, 2013

Today marks the beginning of newness, not just on a calendar but in our hearts as well. Carol and I renewed our vows. Thank God for everything that has brought us to this moment.