Digital Sandwich

Maybe it was the constant dripping sounds from the leaky faucet, or maybe it was my chronic insomnia but I haven’t been able to sleep for a few weeks. I may drift off for a few hours here and there but only after I knocked out during a bar room brawl or something like that.

I spoke to a psychologist recently to discover the underlying issue. I asked him if it was related to a past trauma.

“Mostly it has to do with decisions you are currently making. Do you have anything in your life you wish you could change”, he asked.

“My job, my relationships, new house, I wish I were taller, if the bar could be a block closer that would be nice too. More big budget movies with dinosaurs-”

“Are you willing to do anything about it?”

“Do? No. I thought I was here to blab about my past trauma like my dog that passed away 5 years ago. I thought this was psychology, not work.”

Who knew you could get fired from therapy. Who am I going to blab to about this jerk psychologist now? However he did refer me to an experimental center before he gave me the boot.

In his laboratory Professor Crick offered me a sandwich that was perfectly made. So perfect that it seemed like plastic and made by Fischer Price. A PB&J with two perfect lines of purple and brown and the bread was solid with no holes in it. He told me to take a bite.

“Is it safe. It looks like a toy”, I said.

“If it looks like a food to you take a bite.”

I ate it as quickly as I could hoping if it was going to kill me, at least it would be fast. Fortunately no side effects. It tasted exactly what it looked like.

“Evolution hid the truth from our eyes. This is a normal sandwich but it’s not actually a sandwich. It’s for your fitness. You eat this, and you become fitter than eating nothing at all. Now you want to sleep right.”

“I sure do.”

“Then do you want to drink this coffee?”

In front of me was a Styrofoam cup filled with milky brown sludge in it.

“Do you like cream?” Professor Crick asked.

“No not at all.”

“Since you want to sleep and this won’t help with that, this coffee looks milky and unappetizing to you. So your vision is playing games with you.”

“Let me test it.”

I drank it anyways and it was bitter like black coffee.

“I don’t understand.”

“You must believe the whole world is built in this fitness way. The best apple for you will shine the brightest and be the most colorful to you. The best job for you will become obvious and available. Pursue the things that look good to you and trust what you see as a digital distortion good or bad. If something don’t look good, then avoid it. Eat, work, dream in this way and eventually you will become fitter. Eventually you’ll find sleep too. Your visual systems aren’t finely tuned yet so don’t be afraid to make mistakes either.”

After leaving the center I was determined to adhere to his advice. Pursue whatever looks good to me, seemed easy enough.

I caught the redeye flight home. It was cheaper and since there was less people I could lay down. I still couldn’t sleep so I watched a movie that looked decent but was a mistake. It was horribly stupid, the fast and furious franchise. I almost…fell asleep out of boredom but the loudness of the action scenes kept me awake. 

I don’t like airplane food so once I was in the airport terminal I went looking for something. it was early so only the health kiosk was open and I saw the juiciest fruit I’ve ever seen. It was like a long banana mix with a pear, green with a shade of a red towards the bottom. I bought it immediately.

“Where is this from?” I asked.

“It’s a Himaylayaian scorpion fruit. We get it shipped directly from Asia only once a week and it usually sell out fast.”

“It looks so juicy.”

“This one is extra juicy. It’s sweet but known for its calming agents. Sometimes it’s referred to a “South asian Matthew McConaughey fruit.” Or as the “Himaylaya sleeper fruit”. People will come here and eat one before a flight.

I swallowed it whole. You aren’t suppose to do that but I never had one before and I was super excited. It was delicious but its spiny exterior really did a number on my mouth and throat. I hope all the holes this fruit was making inside me helped me absorb the medicinal quality better.

When I returned home I waited for the body to take in whatever agents that were in the fruit but I still couldn’t sleep. So I watched tv for a bit and a new commercial came on.

“Are you tired of your low-paying, emasculating go no-where job?” Said a guy on the tv.

“Maybe.”

“Are you missing excitement in your life, the kind that sends you right into bed at night full of contentment?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you wasting your life away rewatching the same movie over and over again?”

“But I like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.”

“Well maybe it’s time you try the exciting art of carpentry. Learn how to cut wood from a tree and nail them together. It’s not as easy as it sounds. Enroll today in our institute. 

5 weeks and $20,000 later I finished that course. Luckily I finished 1st in my class because I still couldn’t sleep and I had twice the amount of time to study compared to my classmates. The fruit never broke out of its shell and was encased in my stomach. A doctor took an x-ray said it might take a year to dissolve, maybe faster if I was doing constant physical labour.

After the course, our first mission was to cut our own wood. So I went to the woods. I found the nicest looking tree there which had a glow to it. I chopped at it in a frenzy and it fell. So I chopped at other similar trees nearby and I chopped and chopped and chopped some more. Soon I had enough wood for a house. So I built a house. I sawed, nailed and painted as fast as I could. Then I planted and watered a garden all day and night. It blossomed faster than I expected. I never had anything as beautiful as this home before.

After weeks of work I finally laid down in the house, tired but not sleepy. I could still feel the knot in my stomach that was the fruit I ate a long time ago. Through the window I could smell the fragrance my garden. Turns out these woods were indigenous to “sleeper weeds” which also glowed at night. The sleeper weed fragrance came through the window and I passed out soon thereafter.

The sleeper weeds worked out a little too well. I woke up days later and when I went outside I found all sorts of animals passed out at my doorstep. I’m guessing they were trying to eat me or steal from me. Thanks sleeper weeds, you saved me again. I built a small pen for the raccoons, squirrels, toads, deer and whatever else there was to kill me. I thought I’d start a small farm and stay a little while longer in the woods.