Swing and Amiss

The ambulance was in rough shape. All four tires were blown and in pieces all over the roundabout. A giant rock was lodged in the undercarriage. It had come to a stop halfway on the roundabout, halfway off, and drivers were forced to swerve around it. Several cut too wide and drove on the sidewalk. But this was normal Philadelphia driving that would have occurred regardless of a sitting-duck ambulance. Still, the scene was funny in a Philly way, meaning it was one hundred percent avoidable but for the sick humor of God.

A young woman stepped out of a nearby apartment building with her Corgi. Neighbors and passersby were already gathering, phones out, pointing and laughing. She shook her head as she directed the dog across the pedestrian stripes of the roundabout. A driver stopped too close to the pooch. She flipped him off. The young woman strolled the dog down Frankford Avenue. She wondered if the ambulance had a customer. Another ambulance sped past her towards the roundabout. She watched it approach and drive around the circular median, the way the first ambulance was supposed to...oh, hell. The first one went and did it! They actually drove over the rocks in the median. Just like the Neighborhood Association said they would not do, just like the City said they would do, and wow, do people not know how roundabouts work?

The young woman texted her friend. "Dude...this ambulance drove over the roundabout rocks. Popped all the tires and now they're just sitting there. Literally no one here knows what a roundabout is for." "WTF LOL!" Exactly. Funny, but also unbelievably disappointing. Sure enough, the patient in the first ambulance was loaded into the second to continue their journey. A big to-do all around and the EMTs looked downright embarrassed. I would be embarrassed too, thought the young woman. Driving over rocks? Although off-roading in an ambulance did sound fun in a nihilistic way. A great experience-business idea akin to rage rooms. She cringed at herself for thinking that way about the situation. She had to remind herself of the adage on her own living room wall: Be the Person Your Dog Thinks You Are. Her Corgi looked up at her and barked as if he knew. Learn some morals, Mom.

By the time she returned to the roundabout, several older neighborhood gentlemen had put the ambulance on tire jacks. They circled the vehicle with various tools. The lone EMT who drew the short straw and had to stay with the ambulance for the tow truck sat on the curb, dejected. The young woman felt bad for her. They looked the same age. She walked over to the EMT, whose face lit up at her Corgi. "You look like you could use some dog attention." "I really could. Hi, buddy!" The dog got all up in her business and she did not mind. One of the older men turned to them. "Yo sweetheart, you drive this?" "No, but this is my fault. I told the driver to do it." "What? Ho-ly Jesus. Yous did a number on the axles. There's a big friggin' rock stuck in there. Why'd you tell him that?" "I thought our tires could take it!" "Sweetheart, my goodness." The gentleman tut-tutted and returned to the ambulance. Now the young woman regretted making fun of the EMT's plight. Now it just seemed like a bad start to the day, and who doesn't have those?

 A tow truck appeared on the other side of the roundabout. The EMT laughed without smiling. "Great, let's see if this dude can even turn in it. I can't with this roundabout." She spoke in baby-talk to the Corgi, as if she was too mortified to speak to its human. "But our patient was in respiratory distress! Yes she was, and I had to a make a judgment call and look where we are. Look where we are! Yeah, it kinda sucks to be human. You're lucky to be a doggo. Doggos don't blow really expensive tires on stupid decorative rocks, no they don't. No they don't! You're so cute!" Normally the young woman glibly tolerated people talking to her dog like he was a complete idiot, but the EMT's combination of mature words like "judgment call" and "decorative" thrown in with cute dog goo-goo amused her. They watched the tow truck clear the roundabout (painfully!) and its driver and old guys hitch up the ambulance.

"There's my ride. This will be a fun conversation with my boss." “I’m really sorry.” “It’s okay. Thanks for letting me hang out with your dog.” “No problem.” The EMT walked over to the tow truck and hauled herself into the cab. The older men dispersed, still chattering to each other about axles this and tire pressure that. The sidewalk audience drifted back to their own routines with a new story to tell. The young woman dropped her Corgi off at her apartment before catching a bus to her coworking space.

On the way, she struck up a conversation with another frequent passenger, an elderly lady who was always dressed to the nines. She told her about the ambulance. “Swings and roundabouts, my dear. Swings and roundabouts.” “Why? Because you go flying off if you’re feeling stupid?” “It’s an old saying that means a gain and loss cancel each other out. I bet you made the EMT’s day by letting her pet your dog. That was her swing and roundabout.” “I hope so. I know when I screw up, it feels like my dog’s the only one who isn’t mad at me.”

Be the Person Your Dog Thinks You Are.

A week later, the young woman was out for a run when she found a utility truck at the roundabout. The workers were placing more rocks in the median. Had the City realized it was better for ambulances to drive through roundabouts than over them? Had common sense prevailed? She asked one of the workers near the truck. “Nah, this is from the Neighborhood Association. They didn’t like how the other rocks looked.” Cool, zero lessons were learned in this incident. No gains, thereby no losses. Is this what was meant by swings and roundabouts?

The young woman continued her run, letting runner’s thoughts hit her. She knew what would prevent an ambulance from driving over the roundabout, and it made her smile with a bemused sense of tragedy. Her dog would definitely not approve.

A shiny new swing set.