"CORRECTION, YOUR HONOUR...!"

Not that you’d notice underneath all the charm and good manners, but I’ve been struggling a bit. “Zap” Liar….Okay, I’ve been struggling quite a lot actually….struggling to settle down into a nice, healthy relationship with a nice, stable girl, struggling to separate work hours from my personal life, struggling to respect the idea of even having a balanced life….

Work, home, video games, gym, drinks with school mates…but only on some weekends, work, home…and repeat…like the cycles on a washing machine. Sitting with the translucent glass ball in my hand, I’m not at all surprised by the thoughts, yet again, going through my head about how I’ve been spending my days since graduating from college. The first year I was just lying around, not going anywhere career wise, and the past couple of years I’ve been working from early morning till late at night.

The thing in my hand isn’t just a glass ball barely the size of my palm; it’s also the future of medicine in some way. Or so the company who approached me hopes. The smart technology in this...shall we call it ‘gadget’ for the lack of something more appropriate at this stage…is very sophisticated, top-rated as “The best new app in development of the year 2512”. Developed to supposedly relieve negativity, stress, depression, anxiety and any other emotionally draining illness the modern world can think of. Not overnight though. As with all treatments, you’d have to go through a whole process of interacting with it.

The ball is currently gleaming, like the ambers of a bonfire, but not as hot. Rather, it’s as cold as….I would say ice, but ice also burns if you hold it in your hand for too long….maybe just cold. I’ve seen the gadget glowing like this a couple of times before, and it made me very uncomfortable…”Zap” Not so much the gadget, but the reality of my thoughts with which I’m confronted….each…and…every…time. It’s exhausting. “Zap”

According to “those in the know”, it will make me analyse what I don’t want to share with people - my feelings of weakness, boredom, neglect, abandonment, pressure. Trying to be someone the world, MY world, will be proud of, always trying to do better, achieving the next level of pride. And each time I’m confronted with feelings of self-doubt, pity, rage, or whatever doesn’t fit into its programmed database, it zaps me to acknowledge that my feelings do exist and that I need to deal with them. It’s like an electric jolt running to the funny bone in your elbow, but after, I don’t know, a dozen times or so since I’ve had this thing, is not so funny anymore. “Zap”

If it wasn’t for the contract that I’ve signed, this thing would be on its way back to the developers, with same-day courier I might add. I don’t understand what hurting me would accomplish. Instead of acknowledging my so called negative feelings, facing them and finding out why I’m so hard on myself, I want to throw this darn thing out the window. Yet, here I am again, holding the glass ball in my hand.

I’ve seen it turn other shades though, like the day my sister held it. It turned blue, reminding me of a clear blue ocean; my brother-in-law got a yellow, as bright as a summer sun, and my flat mate’s was green…it has such beautiful colours. I guess they didn’t struggle as much, or they were having a positive day.

Goodness! It sounds as if I’m in a constant state of denial, being either negative or deeply depressed. Maybe, if I took the time to take a step back and have a look at my own life, I might understand why this gadget is sending so many jolts through my arm, constantly glowing only amber. Currently, the persona I’m allowing other people to see is vibrant, social, carefree, happy and ambitious, fearless. It isn’t necessarily the way I perceive myself. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I need to be more self-aware, learn from the life lessons taught and correct my attitude towards things out of my control, learn to appreciate and deal with the opportunities that I do get to change.

What, no jolt? I must be onto something! As the saying goes, part of the solution is acknowledging the problem…or something to that effect. I get up to put the gadget away, getting ready for work, but my eye catches the manual that came with it. Being a guy, I’ve never thought of reading through it, and why should I? The company put me through a whole training program before I was entrusted with it. I got up earlier this morning and have some time to spare, so I might just as well quickly flip through the booklet, don’t know when I’ll get the chance or have the energy to read through it again.

I turn the pages, quickly scanning over what is typed in neat, but small font, looking for pictures or diagrams or something more interesting. My eyes fall on the words “Colour definitions”, which peak my interest. Going through each colour, I identify with the only one I’ve personally encountered….amber. I identify with the written definition and continue with my “scanned reading”; looking for the description of the jolts the gadget sets off. I want to know why and how the gadget can sense when to jolt me. Is it my heart rate, the moist in my hand…what….?

Eventually I find the description, but being a technophobe myself, I can’t fathom the capabilities of this thing with what I expect to be felt and experienced by humans, how humans react towards certain emotions, interactions…basically the things that make us human. Looking at the ball lying there in its package, a little voice tells me that this is dangerous technology.

Suddenly, I’m not sure anymore if I want to continue with the testing, assisting scientists to get a foothold into the human psyche through technology. Shouldn’t human emotions remain free from technology? I know myself, as individual, won’t be able to stop this progression, but I know I don’t need to play a part in it, either. I would much rather then talk it out with a human counterpart, one who has the ability to respond humanly, not simply be programmed with a certain response.

As I walk into the Courier Service, I know I’m going to be late for work, but at least my conscience won’t add to the other struggles in my life. The package containing the gadget will reach its destination by this time tomorrow, and I will swing by the therapist in my company’s building.