The Sun and the Ashes

By the time I stepped outside, the leaves were on fire. My dreams from countless nights had apprised me, but once I laid my eyes on it, I knew I wasn’t ready to see it. To imagine I had to endure it, what could remain from such destruction and what beautiful colors would be lost to leave behind burned wood and black piles of ashes that the October wind would make sure to vanish as well.

My dreams had already warned me, and yet, I preferred to avoid it. Every morning the ache I felt on my body ended up on nothing but glimmers of denial and relief, a bittersweet relief.

There, at the front of my secret sanctuary, facing the woods painted with fire, I questioned myself “Is this really what I wanted?”.

A familiar voice whispered to me and there was no point in turning my head to see who it was. “This is what you asked for”, they said, chills down my spine as I heard them talk, just like in my dreams.

The whole neighborhood was there that afternoon; children crying, adults secretly scared, firefighters desperately trying to calm the raging fire. Soon I realized it was no use, the deal I had sealed, perhaps as a bad joke, had come back to haunt me. The price they told me I needed to pay seemed worth it, and I had welcomed it all that night as if it wasn’t real.

“You offered me, us, life. Now it is time; you set it all on fire as we asked, now it is time”.

A life for a life of freedom, to be reunited with a loved one’s soul, and there, in the middle of such disastrous clutter, I decided to remember his face, hopefully, one last time.

At first sight, nothing extraordinary about him was apparent; black hair, most of the days a walking mess, showing the brackets on his teeth, smelled like cheap perfume, and always so unexpressed, so quiet and shy. Always smiling so much.

Two weeks before the fire, on Wednesday, I was on my way to my school’s rooftop. I had asked one of my teachers for some volunteer work, of course, a pretext to avoid home.

Carton box in my hands, I kept going upstairs, stopping once in a while, looking down and up to make sure if the building was really that desolated or it was just my imagination. As I stopped one last time before arriving at the top, I cleaned the sweat out of my forehead and I looked through the window I found in front of my eyes.

The view was astonishing, on plain sunset, to see the colors change like that, from light blue to a strong orange. One of those things that make one think that life isn’t so bad after all.

I left the box outside the door that leads to the rooftop and I stood there, just looking at the door. A view like the one I saw at the window had to be better from the tallest point I could ever find in town, and even if it was forbidden to be there, even more after school, I couldn’t contain myself.

I opened the door and I found myself frozen on the spot; there he was, standing, just like me, but at the edge of the floor. His face was looking at the sky, he didn’t do anything, he was just there, standing.

I started to get closer, with a slow pace I approached to the side, my eyes narrowed and my hand covering my face, the sun was bright.

From the side, I took a slim better look at his profile, and still, a clear image of his face was not clear. No matter that, I recognized him. And he looked at me.

“Hey, Sam”

“What are you doing?”

He pressed his lips together and grabbed his own hand firmly. No answer, and despite the obvious discomfort that was noticeable in the air, I refused to look away. 

“Please” my throat lumped.

His eyes met with mine for a second, and instantly they tore away from mine.

“You were not supposed to see this”

“I’m not going anywhere”

“You don’t have to stay”

And yet I did, and I saw everything.

Then they appeared, with the promise of comfort, a promise of reunion.

Dreams full of fire and heat, so painful, but all in the name of an imminent bliss, the bliss I made a deal for.

Spacing out of my memories, I came back to admire the chaos again. The fire had already spread far, and I found myself surrounded by it. The leaves on the floor gave me the feeling that I’d die soon.

There was black smoke in every direction, it covered the sky fully. What began that morning as a sky blue, became an orange one, then a black one; with no wind transporting a nice breeze, but pure and toxic fire ashes.

“Enter your sanctuary, die there, give us life” 

So I did, inside that place me and he used to call sanctuary, I laid in there. Looking at the wood ceiling, I took a deep breath and I tasted it on my mouth, my throat, my lungs.

The fire, noxious, corrupting me the last time, it would take my vessel away, my body and my clothes, I hoped it left nothing behind, so everything that was mine could be with him. 

I had no regrets at that time, perhaps I could have been a better person and perhaps we both could live happily, run away; get away from this town that didn’t want us, not our parents, our siblings, our classmates, our teachers, sometimes not even ourselves. 

It was too late, he was gone, and I was going with him.

“He was too easy” I heard them whispering, and I paid attention.

The more I did, the more I understood, and I separated their voices. No use anyways, most of it wasn’t English, and still, in the middle of all that disarray, I managed to follow more.

“The other one fell easily too,” they said.

“The other human, they were bonded” they spoke.

“Let us feast on their souls in honor” they shout.

And by the time I realized, I was supposed to be gone, and yet I was not.

A voice, a woman, distant but not too much then asked and called “Is there somebody out there!”

“Do not worry, she shall not come near you. It’s not going to take much longer.”

I tried to speak, to scream, but my words didn’t seem to take shape on any sound. It hurt, it burned, so hot; however, my body felt cold, and my eyes felt heavy as if I hadn’t slept in ages.

Suddenly, an agonizing pain came from my chest, as if I was drowning, my breath was taken away. Distressing and frightening, I told myself I was dying, slowly and alone. And for a moment it seemed like it, but there was light.

Just like the sun on that day, I was blinded by it. I heard his voice and I ran to it.

I woke up, everything was so fast and I tried to move.

“Wow there! lay down. You aren’t in any condition to move” I looked to the side and I saw a nurse, the light kept getting on the way to see.

“Can you turn off the lights?” I heard my own voice and it surprised me, I sounded like my dad.

“Yeah, after we talk” she paused, “I know you must be disoriented, but now I need you to relax. Your parents are on the way and we’ll wait for them” she pronounced gently.

A small sound came out of his pocket and he stood up “Give me a minute, it won’t take long”.

I looked around and I saw nothing more than a common hospital room. My chest felt warm and I had a bitter taste on my mouth.

As I turned my head to my side, I watched the sunrise. Personally, I had always preferred sunsets, but the sunrise was his favorite, and that occasion reminded me of him, making me smile. With that smile, a strong wind leaked through the window, and with the wind, the smell of a familiar cheap perfume surprised me. 

The second wave of wind hit my face, I knew it right away, and by the time it was no longer there, I found myself smiling.

"Alex" and I finally cried.