Crumbling Pieces

Nadia Hampton bounced her leg up and down, her phone in hand as she sat on the living room couch in the home that belonged to her and her husband, Raymond. She wiped her face with the back of her left hand, trying to keep her tears at bay, but she was failing to do so. Every time she thought about why she was upset anyway, all she wanted to do was cry. 

Hearing keys rattle in the door, Nadia adjusted her posture and rubbed her face with more aggression than before. She fixed her eyes on the wall ahead, which held a large portrait of her and her husband--just months after they’d tied the knot. They both looked so happy then, and now, only 2 years later, they couldn’t even stand to be in the same house together, let alone the same room. 

She could hear Raymond’s heavy footsteps against their freshly waxed, cherry-wood hardwood flooring. She could feel his presence and his eyes on her before he even opened his mouth to speak. Raymond’s presence just demanded your attention whenever he stepped into a room, Nadia couldn’t deny that he was a force to be reckoned with. 

“We need to talk,” the four words fell out of his mouth as his footsteps sounded against the part of the floor that wasn’t covered by the mosaic-style area rug that they’d used to tie the grey and white decor altogether in the room. 

“I don’t have anything to say,” the words didn’t fall out of Nadia’s mouth as clear as she’d intended. Her voice cracked as ‘anything’ fell from her lips and she briskly wiped the stray tear that had fallen out of her eye and begun to roll down her cheek. She bit her lip, dropping her head momentarily so that her husband couldn’t see it. 

“We can start with this attitude you’ve been walking around here with. I haven’t done anything to you, I don’t know why you have this chip on your shoulder but I’m sick and tired of it,” Raymond’s deep baritone voice sent a chill over Nadia’s body, but not in a good way. She was tired of him walking around like everything was all peachy and fine, when they received the worst news in their marriage for the third time, not even two months ago. 

Her eyes trailed upward as Raymond undid his royal blue tie that he’d paired with his grey trousers and white dress shirt for his day at work. He set his briefcase on the grey love-seat placed across from where Nadia was sitting. Their eyes met, Raymond’s eyes piercing into Nadia’s. It was intense, all Nadia could do was look away because all she wanted to do was cry all over again. 

“Nadia, I think I’m talking to you,” he snapped, the volume in his voice increasing. His statement only made Nadia snap.

“What do you want me to say, Raymond? You want me to act like everything’s alright like I didn’t have my third miscarriage since we got married? I’m not you, I can’t act like everything’s all peachy,” Nadia snapped, the tears she’d been withholding since Raymond had gotten inside of the house resurfacing. 

“Did I or did I not lose three babies too, Nadia?” The volume of Raymond’s voice increased. “I’m supposed to walk around here mopping and crying because we haven’t gotten past the second trimester in the year we’ve been trying to have a baby? Am I supposed to take that out on you?”

His questions forced Nadia out of her position on the couch and onto her feet, her tears now falling out of her eyes and tumbling down her cheeks. Her hands, which were planted at her sides, were shaking at how worked up she was by Raymond’s words. To Nadia, he was being insensitive to how she felt. He was acting like she was being dramatic, but he hadn’t realize all that had body was going through with each and every miscarriage. 

“I’m not taking anything out on you, Raymond!” She yelled, to the top of her lungs. “You don’t realize what my body is going through. You don’t understand how I feel inside, and how it feels to have a baby bump one morning and the next, it’s long gone but there is no baby to show for it! This has been a repeated cycle for the past year, Ray. I’m tired of taking my body through this because it’s only making me hurt worse,” she cried. Her shaky fingers went to her face, trying to wipe away the tears that had begun to flow from her eyes like a stream--all of the tears she hadn’t cried either on her way to sleep each night or throughout the day whenever she thought about her final miscarriage began to fall right then and there. 

“The thing is Nadia, you aren’t the only one hurting,” she could hear Raymond say, softly over her tears. She felt herself being pulled into his strong arms causing her to press her hands into his chest to keep them apart. Raymond hadn’t touched her in this fashion since her last miscarriage. All they’d done was fight and fuss at one another causing him to leave the house and return in the wee hours of the morning to shower and dress for the workday. On the weekends, he crashed at his brother’s after a weekend of clubbing and drinking every brown alcoholic beverage while Nadia laid in bed, consumed in her feelings all alone. 

“Please don’t touch me, Ray,” Nadia begged, shoving his chest again which only made him wrap his arms tighter around her. She closed her eyes, lone tears falling out the corner of her lids. 

“I’m hurting too, Nadia,” Raymond told her in a barely audible voice. “I want to fall apart, too. I wish we didn’t lose our babies, but we both can’t fall apart. You’re pushing me away like you’re in this alone, but I’m here. I’ve always been here, Nadia.”

She sniffled, laying her head in Raymond’s chest as he planted his cheek atop of her head. This was the most intimate they’d been since Nadia lost their last baby in the center of their bathroom floor. She had gotten to 18 weeks, the furthest out of all of her pregnancies, and they were both for sure that the third time would be a charm. They had clearly spoken too fast.  

“You don’t even look at me the same anymore, Ray. This is the closest you’ve been to me in months, and every time I try to talk about what we went through, you push me aside like it isn’t important. It’s almost like you hate me,” the mere idea caused more tears to swell up in Nadia’s eyes. Was her marriage also coming to an end? It was apparent that she and Raymond couldn’t even communicate effectively to one another how they were feeling. Was it worth staying together?

“That’s not true,” Raymond told her. “I could never hate you, Nadia. I admit I haven’t been the easiest person to talk to, and I have downplayed how you’re feeling. I’m sorry, from the bottom of my heart.”

“Will we be able to come back from this?” Nadia asked. “I know how much you want children, Ray, and it doesn’t look like I’ll ever be able to carry long enough to give you what you truly want.” 

She could feel Ray shake his head from above her head. She’d had a plethora of tests, and the doctors couldn’t find the reason why she was struggling to carry a baby. Nadia had never felt so inadequate in her life. 

Her mother and Raymond’s mother were already treating her like a disgrace to the female population, the last thing she needed was to feel like her husband didn’t care for her anymore either. If Raymond left her, Nadia didn’t think she’d be able to go on. She really wouldn’t have a purpose in this world anymore. 

“I believe we can, Nadia. We both can do a better job at communicating with one another, which means letting each other talk and listening to what we each have to stay instead of arguing. Maybe, we’re going through this for a reason. Maybe, we aren’t ready for children yet although we both really want them,” Raymond reasoned. Of the two, he was always more logical and level headed and unlike Nadia, he didn’t wear his feelings on his sleeves. He brushed things aside and kept on moving like nothing had even happened, which wasn’t all that effective either. 

“But what about if I can never have them?” She asked, causing Raymond to sigh. It was a sad reality, but he didn’t think that that would make him love Nadia any less.

“We’re going to stay positive and hope for the best. We can always adopt down the line or even get a surrogate, Nadia. I’m believing in us, and I’m tired of arguing with you. I miss when we could just enjoy each other’s company.”

Nadia nodded, feeling content with Raymond's answer. 

“Thanks for sticking by my side, Raymond. I don’t think I’d be able to go on without you,” Nadia said, against his chest. 

“I vowed for better or worse, until death do us part. I meant exactly that, Nadia.” Nadia nestled her face further into his chest as Raymond wrapped his arms tighter around her, the couple falling into a comfortable silence. They were both simply content in one another’s presence after nearly walking on eggshells for the past few months. 

Neither of them knew what the future held, but they were both hoping for the absolute best, and they deserved exactly that.