Cold Turkey

Joan and Josh had been long time smokers. Come 2021, they both decided to give it up — Joan with her chantix, and Josh thought he’d try cold turkey. It was December 30, 2020, and on this particular day, Joan was having a hard time without her usual daily dose of nicotine. Cleaning up after dinner, she stepped out back to take the trash out. As she lit up that Marlboro Red cigarette, she heard a rustle behind the garbage can. She peered around. 

“Josh! What are doing?!” Josh stopped trying to light his Camel 100 and looked up at her, startled. 

“I may ask you the same thing,” he answered. Joan took a drag and let out a puff of smoke, looking remorseful. 

“I’m sorry. I had a bad day. I was totally niccing it,” she said, taking another drag. 

Josh flicked his Bic, lost his flame, and asked for her lighter. 

“May I see your lighter, please?”

Joan handed him her lighter. Josh got a good flame, inhaled, and exhaled out a long drag off his cigarette. A wisp of smoke curled through the air. 

Joan finished her cigarette and went back inside to finish cleaning up the kitchen. Josh lingered outside for awhile. 

‘Keep busy, don’t think about smoking,” she repeated to herself over and over. Josh came in from outside. He kissed his wife Joan on the cheek, grabbed a beer from the fridge, and went to the living room to flip on the TV.

In the kitchen, Joan popped a chantix in her mouth, walked into the living room, and sat down by Josh. 

About an hour later, her eyes began to dose. When she awoke at 5 am in the morning, Josh was still asleep, snoring, on his recliner beside hers. She got out of her chair, went to her purse, and pulled a cigarette out. She looked at it, picked up her lighter, and stepped out back to light it. Then, suddenly, she threw the cigarette in the garbage and dumped out the entire pack, as well. Her dreams had come back to her. She remembered very vividly lying in that hospital bed, spitting and coughing up blood, and it was then she resolved to give up cigarettes forever. She would stay on the chantix, chew the gum, suck the lozenges, or get a patch, even. 

When Josh awoke on New Year’s Eve, she told him her plan, and he agreed to do the same; however, he decided to throw out his cigarettes and never look back. He resolved to quit — COLD TURKEY. 

At 10 am, Josh took his keys off the hanger by the door. “I’m going to the liquor store,” he called out. “Want anything?” 

Joan popped a lozenge in her mouth. “Rum, please. Bacardi Rum.” 

Josh grabbed his keys and left. As soon as he was gone, Joan continued sucking the lozenge, feeling a bit moody. The more she sucked, the calmer she felt. She closed her eyes and let the nicotine lozenge do the work. 

A door opened. Joan opened her eyes. Josh was back from the liquor store. 

Joan got up and got two shot glasses. She poured herself some Bacardi. Josh had Jack for himself. They each took a shot before noon on New Year’s Eve. 

It was close to 5 pm, bottles half-empty, and Josh pulled out some beer he had bought at the liquor store. 

Popping lozenges all day, Joan felt better. The alcohol and the soothing feel of the lozenge had calmed her. Josh, on the other hand, was a basket case. Whiskey and beers aside, he wanted to desperately bad to reach for a Camel. 

Joan, feeling the effects of the booze, went over to Josh and rubbed his shoulders. Josh sat on edge of his recliner, but did not say anything to his wife. Finally, he asked for another shot. Joan gave him a double. 

“Giving up one habit always leads to another,” Josh slurred drunkenly. 

Joan smiled. “That is true, but drinking can be a lot more fun than smoking. You feel the effects longer,” she giggled. 

The clock was ticking away. Josh sat more and more agitated. He drank shot after after shot until his bottle was empty, and he needed more booze. Joan, on the other hand, was feeling fine, albeit a bit shaky. 

The couple did not last until midnight. By 9 pm, Joan was passed out, drooling on her recliner pillow, and Josh was puking his guts out on beer and whiskey. A knock sounded at the door. 

Josh looked out the front window at their son Teddy standing there smoking a cigarette. As Teddy drew in a breath and deeply inhaled, Josh flew out the door. 

“Teddy, you’re going to have to give me one of those cancer sticks.” 

“Wow — it’s about time you answered the door…” Teddy was saying as Josh hugged his son, searching his pockets for his smokes. 

“Damn, dad, what are you doing?” Teddy’s eyes were wide. “Frisking me?” 

Josh found the pack in Teddy’s back pocket, opened it, withdrew a camel crush light, and asked for Teddy’s lighter, which Teddy was holding. 

“Sure, you want me to smoke that thing for you, too?” Teddy said jokingly as he lit his father’s cigarette. 

“Your mother and I decided to quit,” Josh replied as he drew hard on his first cigarette all day. “She’s on all kinds of gimmicks to help her. Sucking lozenges, taking Chantix, chewing gum…”

“Wow!” Teddy exclaimed. “You guys have smoked all my life. What about you — what gimmick are you using, Dad?” 

Josh blew out a puff of smoke. “Cold Turkey.” 

"Well, I hate to tell you this, Dad, but I'm in debt and need some quick cash." Teddy blew out more smoke.

"How much you need?" Josh inhaled and exhaled on his own cigarette.

"A couple hundred. 250 to be exact." Teddy inhaled and blew out some more smoke.

Josh went back inside, wrote the check for Teddy, handed it to him, and fell asleep on his recliner next to Joan. They both slept though the TV blaring loud, the ball dropping into 2021, and snored louder than the TV.  Joan woke up shortly after the ball dropped and sniffed her husband. 

“Cold turkey, huh?” she said and grinned. Digging through her purse, she found her back up pack, went outside, and lit up. She took a long drag and let it out slowly...