Goodbye Momma

The bakery was quiet, the lingering scent of baked bread hung in the air. All the pastries, cakes and cookies that were left over were boxed and ready to be dropped off at the fire station down the street. Most of the time there wasn’t much leftover, but the guys at the station appreciated anything they were given. It was either give them to the guys or Cassie would have to take them home and try not to eat all of it once she got off work. She didn’t like to serve her customers day old desserts so the few that she would have left, were gifted to the hungry firefighters.

The bell above the door rang and Cassie realized she forgot to lock it.

“I’m sorry, we’re closed,” she said from the back, “I forgot to lock up.”

She walked to the front and froze when she realized who had just walked in.

“What are you doing here?”

She sounded rude, even to her own ears but she didn’t care. The woman took a couple steps forward but didn’t speak. Her face was void of make-up, her hair in a disarray, she seemed slimmer than last time and her clothes were more than a little wrinkled. Cassie wouldn’t have even recognized her but staring into the same jade green eyes as her own, she knew who this woman was. Time had not been kind to the person standing there looking lost and pathetic. Years of drinking and smoking took a toll on her. Her once flawless skin was now covered in age spots due to the overuse of tanning beds. For years, all that woman cared about was herself and her own appearance. Cassie would go months and months without new clothes and dentist appointments because there was never enough money or time. Yet, there was always time for one-hour tan sessions a couple times a week.

“I wanted to see you,” the woman finally spoke. Her voice cracked but Cassie wasn’t sure if it was from emotion or from smoking since the age of thirteen.

“I don’t want you here.”

“Cassidy, I’m your mom. You have to talk to me.”

And that’s when Cassie took a step back as if she had been slapped. She collected herself in a matter of seconds because she promised herself a long time ago that this woman wouldn’t get to her ever again.

“You. Are. Not. My. Mom.”

“Yes, I am, and you can’t pretend like I don’t exist.”

“Why not? You pretended I didn’t exist for fourteen years! You left me with grandma when I was ten and you never looked back…except when you needed money. Is that what this is now? Do you need money again?”

“Why would you think that’s the only reason I came to see you?” Cassie wished she would have seen some sort of warmth in Katherine’s expression but there was nothing. No love, no compassion…nothing.

“You didn’t even come to grandma’s funeral.”

Five years ago, when her grandma got sick, Cassie was the one to take care of her. It was the least she could do for the woman that had become a mother figure. Watching her grandma die of cancer was the worst thing ever, even more than knowing her own mom didn’t care about her. When her grandma died, Cassie was sure her mom would go to the funeral and maybe even get back in Cassie’s life. She hadn’t.

“I wanted to be there, but I couldn’t.”

“Why not? That was your mom.”

“I just couldn’t,” she stammered. She started shifting from one foot to the other. Her eyes went from Cassie, to the floor, to her hands and back to Cassie. Her green eyes were red and that’s when Cassie realized Katherine was either drunk, high or both.

“You need to leave now,” her voice was steady.

“I miss you Cassidy,” her mom was trying to look convincing, but Cassie learned a long time how to read her mom’s bull.

“You don’t miss me. If you had, you would have tried to be my mom a long time ago. If you missed me, you would have called me to try and see me. If you missed me, you would have gone to grandma’s funeral five years ago. Grandma was the only one that cared about me. She was the one to watch me when I had soccer games. She was the one that took me to buy my first bra and talked to me about periods. Grandma went and helped me pick out the most perfect prom dress my senior year. And grandma, is the one that saw me walk down and accept my diploma on my graduation day. When she died a year later, I was sure you would come back into my life. I needed you and you didn’t come back.”

“I left because I had to.”

That comment alone, had Cassie seeing red, “You had to? No, you did not have to! You chose too. For three years, I had to see you leave every single night for whichever man you were with that week. I saw you come home drunk almost every night and grandma having to pick you up and put you in bed. It started with drinking and smoking weed. The smell was awful, and grandma would take me and drive around the neighborhood just to get me out of the house. I saw you when you started doing cocaine, but at nine years old, I didn’t know what it was.”

“Your perfect grandma made me leave!” she screamed.

“No, grandma made you choose! Me or the drugs! You chose the drugs and that is something you will have to live with the rest of your life.” Cassie remembered being on the other side of the door when her grandma had the conversation with Katherine. Of course, neither of them knew that ten-year-old Cassie had her ear flat against the smooth wood of the door. Her grandma had gotten fed up with the different men going in and out of her home. She had gotten tired of the countless nights of Katherine passing out in her own vomit and having to clean it up. She had gotten tired of seeing her only granddaughter being ignored and neglected by her daughter. So…one evening Katherine had returned home after being gone for three nights and was only looking for a place to sleep. Her grandma gave Katherine an ultimatum. Either get off the drugs and go to rehab or she will be the one to raise Cassie. She told Katherine she could leave but to never look back. Cassie remembered closing her eyes and praying her mom would choose her. Instead Katherine said good riddance to both her daughter and mother.

In fourteen years, Cassie had only seen her mother about three times and that was to ask for money. She denied her the money just like Katherine denied being a mother to her. Cassie had made a life for herself, even though she had a deadbeat mother. Her only regret in life was not being able to have her grandma see her graduate college, get married and have babies.

“I shouldn’t have had to choose! I wasn’t ready to be a mom but still became one. Your grandma tried to live my life. I couldn’t live like that anymore.”

“Then why didn’t you try taking me with you?” Cassie asked the question that had been living her head for the past fourteen years.

“I don’t know.” She whispered. “But I’m here now.”

Cassie shook her head, “I’m twenty-four now. I’ve lived my life this long without you so, I can continue living it without you in it. Now, I have to lock up so please leave.”

“You really don’t want me back in your life?”

Cassie shook her head.

“Then can you at least give me some cash so I can get on a bus and get out of here?”

“Wow. I knew this wasn’t about you missing me. You needed more money.”

Katherine seemed annoyed now, “Well, it’s the least you can do.”

“If you don’t leave now, I will call the cops on you. If I ever see you again, I will call the cops on you.”

“You wouldn’t…”

Cassie pulled her phone out from her back pocket, “Oh, I would.”

Within a couple of minutes, Katherine stormed out of the bakery, slamming the door behind her. Cassie hurried and locked the door.

 Her heart was beating rapidly but she never felt more relieved. She finally whispered the words that she was unable to fourteen years ago, “Goodbye momma.”