Best Man Doing His Best

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Roy, and I am the best man.

When Paul first asked me to be his best man, I was surprised but honored. I couldn’t say no.

I first met Paul four years ago when I joined KDWC. I am a Junior Manager at KDWC and Paul is a very respected partner at the firm. So, as I said, I could not say no. 

As I didn’t know Paul in his younger years, primarily due to not yet having been born, I have spoken to those who do remember those times and will share some of those stories now.

Paul’s mom, Judy, remembers Paul as an infant very clearly. She described him as alert, intelligent and always mature for his age. She spoke at length about how even as a child he and an intensity in his stare that she characterized as unflinching and calculating. I knew exactly what she meant.

Judy had already had two bundles of joys when the bundle of Paul arrived, so she already knew a thing or two about parenting a little tot. She says with Paul it always felt different though, so different in fact that she went and sought professional help. Thankfully the doctor gave her and baby Paul a clean bill of health and Judy says when she got home, she felt her small infant was judging her and even exacting a degree of punishment delivered through strategically timed tantrums. She vividly described a baby Paul screaming at the top of his lungs while maintaining clear eye contact with her and displaying no other signs of distress.

I had to laugh at Judy’s wonderful sense of humor and colorful story telling because it really did ring true to the boss-man we know in work today. To think that even back then he was evaluating performances and driving standards is really something. What a character he is.

Paul’s sister, Michelle, is here today and she has as many stories as you could wish to hear about the man of the moment. She told me how Paul was a great lover of animals growing up, or at least he displayed a keen interest in them. The family had many pets and whenever a pet would go missing, as they are sure to do on occasion, it was always Paul who was last seen with them.

Michelle was very eager to stress just how many pets seemed to disappear unexplainably, describing their family home as a veritable Bermuda triangle for cats, dogs, hamsters, fish, and even a couple of parrots.

I think we can all agree that Paul’s resilience and willingness to love each new pet like it was his first speaks very well of him. And here today we see him willing to share that love again, in matrimony.

Michelle made a very funny joke about how she hopes his new wife doesn’t go missing, which I thought was very droll. The whole family really do have a very dry sense of humor.

Finally, I spoke to Steve who was at school with Paul. Steve unfortunately isn’t in attendance today but he regaled me with tales of ingenious pranks played on him by a mischievous Paul who he affectionately described as ‘relentless’ and ‘a genuine psychopath’.

Dog poo in his schoolbag, you know who it was. The ham from his ham sandwiches removed and replaced with a piece of paper upon which were written the words ‘oink, oink’, a genuine classic. Calls to Steve’s family home at all hours saying Steve’s life was in danger, Paul really was a master jokester. Those calls continued for years by the way, his commitment to the bit is truly unrivaled.

Boys will be boys though, and it was a simpler time. I’m quite sure that was the message Steve wanted to convey.      

I’ve known Paul personally for four years, though it feels like much longer, and I could bore you with work stories for the whole night. He strides the halls of KDWC like a titan and I know people are always on the lookout for him.

Even in the toughest times he is always quick with a laugh or a smirk. I would actually say that it’s in the toughest times he seems at his happiest. I recall last year right at the end of the busy season we had to let more than a dozen people go and Paul was positively beaming the whole week, and he was the one who had to give them the bad news. It was obvious he was just doing his bit to keep morale high.

Of course, anyone who knows Paul will know he doesn’t suffer fools, I don’t think I’ve ever met someone less tolerant of weakness or vulnerability. I recall a time last year one of the new girls printed the quarterly reports out on the wrong thickness of paper. Wow, he really let her have it. A lot of people would have stopped when she started crying but when Paul’s on a roll you don’t interrupt his flow.

The rest of us on the floor, we just looked at each other, and said to ourselves, ‘classic Paul.’ Ultimately a few of us did have to intervene after she foolishly asked him if he could just show her what he wanted. Paul’s in great shape it has to be said, it took two managers and an accountant to hold him back and even then I’m told you could hear his shouts about how he was worth five million pounds from the lobby. He really is something.   

Before I wrap up, I just wanted to say a few words about Anastasia, the beautiful bride. I unfortunately haven’t had the opportunity to meet Anastasia before today and of course it can be tricky to get to know somebody well on a day like today, especially when there’s so much going on and of course there’s something of a language barrier for us to contend with. But even with that obstacle I really got the strong impression that she’s a very practical and determined young woman. Qualities I’m sure will serve her well for the challenges ahead, which surely there will be, as there are for us all of course. And, once again can I just say how beautiful she is today.

I’m sure I’m not the only one inspired by this couple whirlwind romance. A love that has transcended borders and language all over the course of just a few months. Amazing.

They make a lovely couple, her beautiful, young, desperate (for her future to begin), and then Paul, well I can think of five million reasons to marry Paul.

To the newlyweds.