Ten Moments in the Life of Mom

tw: bullying, suicide

10. In your room

I came into your room and sat on your bed. Specks of dust sprang to life, reminding me it had already been a month since you last slept on it. I looked around at the movie posters on the walls and the books on your shelves. 

Should I get rid of all of this, or is it too soon? Heck, will I ever be able to let go of any piece of you?

9. While making coffee

I turned on the coffee maker. Once it stopped, I realized that, once again, I made the usual 10 cups. Sigh. You were the heavy drinker — usually, 6 cups before 11 am. I had never seen someone so young gulp down so much coffee.

What was I going to do now? The first couple of weeks, I tried to up my caffeine consumption, but my stomach responded with a stern, “No way. We are too old for that.” If we had any neighbors, I would share it with them

If I had any neighbors…

8. Driving around town

I got in the car just to breathe new air. I chuckled, thinking of you telling me, “Stale air makes an old brain.” Never knew where you got that idea from. Wonder what would have happened if we had driven more around this little town of us.

I rolled the windows down, so the cold air hit me hard. Sure enough, for a few moments, I didn’t feel that old. Instead, I was frozen; but I knew it wasn’t because of the weather.

7. Tackling the clutter

They say to make room for the new, you have to get rid of the old. I always thought this meant you would have new old stuff in a few years and then would have to repeat the procedure.

However, I have nothing left to do, so I assumed there would be no harm in decluttering the house. I grabbed a box and began to add old papers, old trinkets, old memories, old everything.

Once it was full, I realized I had only included my stuff. There was absolutely none of yours. It felt wrong to grab your things without asking first. What if I threw something of yours, and then you came to me wondering where it was?

What if?

6. Your friend Mark called

Mark always was the best amongst your friends. Remember how, before daring come into the house, he would always say, “Good morning, ma’am, may I come in?” The rest of your buddies would just ram into the house, barely nodding at me.

He called to ask about my health, my mood, and all that jazz. He offered to help me clean the garden and the garage since that was your job. I was grateful since it is too difficult for me. 

He also said he could clean the second-floor bathroom for me. I told him I had hired someone for that, but when he asked if I had cleaned it again since then, I couldn’t answer.

Next, I tried to picture him in there, moving boxes around or using the lawnmower, the way you used to, and I couldn’t speak anymore. A sob tried to escape me, but I managed to trap it in my throat.

“Ma’am, are you okay? Do you want me to come by tomorrow morning?” he asked.

“No,” I croaked, perhaps a bit too loud. I should have explained why but, had I done it, I would have lost my grip on the sobs and I would have never been able to stop crying. Then, I hang up.

My phone rang a few more times. I’m sure it was him, but I didn’t even dare take a look.

5. I saw them

I was doing one of my daily drives around town when I saw them standing by a corner. They were just chatting, waiting for the lights to change. It seemed that life was still normal for them.

I pulled over, so I could take a proper look. Oh, my! People walked by them as if nothing. I wonder what they would think if they knew the horrible things they are capable of saying…and typing.

I guess it is kind of funny. For so long, I feared what would happen to you if I let you go out too late at night. I just wanted to keep you safe from dangerous nocturnal creatures.

But I should have been more worried about another kind of monster.

4. Mark showed up anyway

It was 10 am on a Saturday. I was standing in the kitchen, wondering — again — just what in the world I should do with all of that extra coffee when I heard a knock on the door.

I knew it was him but still pretended to be surprised.

“Good morning, ma’am. May I come in?” he asked.

“Of course, please, come in. I have some extra coffee,” I said.

He followed me to the kitchen and poured himself a nice cup of joe. I didn’t know he drank it black, just like you.

Then we stayed like that, in silence. I was so grateful to him for that. The few people who had called or visited would only say, “Such a young magnificent man! Such a shame! But he is in a better place now.”

How I wished I could punch those people in the face.

But Mark didn’t say such a thing. He just stood there, opposite me, taking sips from his mug. I sighed, and the sobs in my throat felt a bit less oppressive. 

“I miss him,” he said.

“Me too,” I replied.

“I wish I had told him I loved him,” he added, and then he was crying.

I set my cup aside and went to him. He let me hug him, and my sobs couldn’t stay quiet anymore. He placed his mug on the counter and hugged me back. 

We cried for hours.

3. I cried for a whole day

I didn’t know it was possible to have so many tears inside, but I guess it was a consequence of holding back for so long.

I couldn’t stop now.

I cried while brushing my teeth, while making too much coffee, while sitting on your bed again… 

Mercifully, night came and embraced me into sleep. I’m sure I cried in my dreams too.

2. I dreamed of you

I knew it wasn’t real, but it was so nice to see you again. You were in bed, and I came in to wake you up so you wouldn’t get late to school.

“Mom, I’m not 12 anymore!” you said.

“I know, baby,” I responded, “you will always be 17.”

“I’m sorry. That’s not how I wanted to leave,” you added.

“I wish you had told me. I wish I had seen it. I should have seen it!” I said.

“It wasn’t your fault. Never think that!” you replied.

I went to you and wrapped you in my arms as if you still were my little boy. I knew it was a dream, but I still felt you.

“I’m sorry you had to find me like that in the tub, Mom. It must have made you so sad,” you said.

“Don’t worry about that now, baby,” I said. “Just let me hug you until I wake up.”

1. I met some new people

It has been a few weeks since that dream. I’m glad I had it because now I can just close my eyes and feel you again.

But I won’t lie to you: I’m still sad. My heart will never truly be the same.

This is why I refuse to let anyone feel like this ever again, at least not if I can help it. So I have gone to some groups, and I have gotten to meet young people like you. Youngsters who need someone to tell them it is okay to say who they are and live their lives as they wish. Kids who are being hurt by the cruel words of others. 

They say I’m an activist now. I tell them just to call me Mom.