Proposal

"Marry me," I heard.

My tongue was feasting on a juicy miniature tomato from the salad we made. Cool tomato juice mixed well with the forkful of baby spinach wearing ranch dressing. My mouth smiled happy with the taste. I was happy in the moment, then he stole my vibe.

The lake date had been my idea because I wanted a chance to meet up and actually receive Aries' attention. I had always given my attention whilst remaining responsible for my household when he visited over the course of twenty-two years. I felt we needed to do more than share a bed at a high-end hotel, though I enjoyed each of our stays.

I desired a more intimate setting that offered bonding opportunity. The two of us usually spent much of the week working in different states barely communicating. Renting a cottage at the edge of Lake Hamilton appealed to my intentions.

Our daughter, Cancer, had returned home to her comfort after spending the day fishing with her dad and mom. She requested to have pizza for dinner giving us opportunity for romance beneath twinkling stars.

I didn't know how to respond. I almost choked on the bite of salad, hearing my mental response. I couldn't marry him. I didn't want to decline his proposal a second time.

I don't perceive the first time Aries brought up marriage as an actual proposal. He had made a suggestion that we get married as a solution to current circumstances. I refused to join my life with him in this way at that time. So much was going on in my life, heart, and mind. I was on a journey to discovering myself beyond the girl hardships had crafted. Awakened parts of myself were focused on matters of the soul rather than of the heart.

Once I sipped sparkling grape juice from a plastic flute, I looked at Aries with extreme curiosity. I wondered if he would understand being told, "No."

"I appreciate your desire to marry me," I said, finally.

The Brim tasted savory. Seasoned cornmeal hugged the meat perfectly, allowing for moist flaky goodness to be delivered with a delicate crunch. I totally enjoyed cooking with Aries, enduring his culinary pointers while experiencing a basic task with my lover.

My thoughts about marriage swam into observation.

I had vowed to never marry after Aries left me pregnant with our daughter. He and I had shared countless pillow talk about getting married and having children before the positive pregnancy test. I was devastated when he opted out of the mistake he felt we'd made. It took many years to heal emotionally. As I observed these thoughts, I became uncertain about my healing.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Space between Aries' bushy eyebrows disappeared. His wide nostrils widened. Sandy brown eyes turned to lasers. His salad and fish remained untouched.

"It means, I appreciate you. I love you, but I'm not sure about marriage."

"What?" he shrieked. "How are you gone say you love me, then when I ask to marry you, you say you're not sure?"

"I'm not sure. You're married. I've never married. How can I even wrap my mind around being engaged to a married man?"

I'd raised my voice though I hadn't intended to. I knew he didn't understand. I didn't know why he didn't understand, nor did I know a fast way for us to move forward. I barely knew him at this stage in our lives. He was the father of my daughter and he had been my lover since my freshman year of college. Once, I wanted to marry him. Or did I?

I thought about this during awkward silence.

I wanted to be married because it was protocol for respectful and respected couples. Being female in the nineties was heavily based upon how society viewed you. There were issues I had developed during childhood Aries wasn't aware of. I needed to feel respected, so I wanted to marry him instead of shack up and make babies.

"Is there French salad dressing?" Aries asked breaking silence.

"No. I should have asked which type of salad dressing you liked."

"Could've, but didn't."

My stomach rumbled with discomfort. I stopped eating and left the table where we sat out on the deck opting to stand in darkness on the other side facing the road.

There was no need to be upset, I guided myself through a mental storm. The date wasn't really ruined, even though I felt otherwise. The idea of marriage caused pain in my chest. My heart beat as though I was in danger. A coward in me advised I simply leave. I could return home, change my phone number, and then work on moving forward. This guy was blind to his hand in my fear of marriage. Secretly, I feared the effects of deep relationships and their untimely endings.

I thought I had turned over a new leaf. I thought I had shown my openness to possibility by trying again with Aries now that our daughter was grown. He didn't realize his absence made me learn to get along just fine without marriage, without him. I loved him, but I didn't need him.

"You didn't even look at the ring," I heard him say before I saw him.

Aries presented a white palmed box with a gold bow on top. He reached it towards me.

"Here, Aquarius, take it. You don't have to agree to marry me. I still want you to have the ring. I bought it for you."

I sighed and received the box. Raising the hinged lid revealed a ring centered with a ying yang symbol made of diamonds. It was surrounded by spiraling diamond clusters.

It was beautiful. He stood staring at me with perfect white teeth showing.

"See, Baby, I know you. I know you didn't expect me to propose to you tonight. I'm sure it took you off guard. My bad for that. I just thought you should know how I feel about you."

He held my empty hand.

"I made a mistake in our past by leaving you and Cancer. I was young and scared. I, now, know I could have handled things better. But, you can't deny, I've always been a part of your life."

I wanted to cry and be held by him, while at the same time I wanted to throw his ring towards the road. I wanted to run away and to stay put.

I'd gone through so much emotional turmoil as I faced thoughts of being unwanted. Nobody cares had become my mantra. We saw each other once or twice a year, but I used the encounters as exercise. In time, my attachment to Aries weakened as self-value increased.

I tried to give him the ring box. He pulled me close into his arms and kissed me on my forehead.

"I'm married. I know what you're thinking. I asked to marry you, first."

"You asked the same month my mother died while me and Cancer were homeless. Why can't you see that was bad timing? We hadn't even discussed the things you and I went through."

He lifted my chin and kissed my lips.

"Can we just be here and now? Can we do that, my queen?"

I stayed silent as my senses reached out for the moment. His embrace felt strong. I was warm and I had his attention. There was no need to think about marriage any further. I quieted my mind and experienced absolute beauty.