The Best Sensation

“STOP PLAYING AND JUST PACK ALREADY”! Amelia began to cry hysterically. I am the worst mother.

I know this feeling. This panicky, sickening, rotting heavy feeling is laying in the bottom of my stomach. He's coming for us. It's not Amelia's fault. She's six. She only knows him as Daddy. I know him as the person who demolished and ruined me.

He is coming. I'm stuck. I'm frozen. To say time is flying by is an understatement. With every passing second my anxiety swells. It is all consuming. I have to protect my baby girl. She doesn't know him like I do. Amelia can't comprehend the danger. He's essentially a stranger to her. 

Frantically I rip clothes from the closet and drawers. We don't have much, we don't even have a suitcase. Yet I feel I'm standing at the base of a volcano. A volcano comprised our belongings and memories about to erupt and bury us alive. Our tiny studio apartment does look like a volcano erupted, or a bomb went off.

In complete disarray I feverishly hunt for the last of our essentials. Amelia is still huddled in the corner weeping openly. We don't have time for this. Yet I find myself still unable to move. The mom guilt is real. I've yelled at my daughter before. Honestly, I feel I yell too much. I'm constantly in a state of being overwhelmed and overstimulated. Amelia is the sweetest, most innocent and trusting little girl. She's a credulous naive optimistic child who sees no danger or malicious intent in anyone or anything. Amelia will never be able to see how broken I am and for that I'm eternally grateful.

Our entire life has been compiled into three tote bags. No pictures, no memories, just clothes and food. Amelia looks longingly at her toys as I rush her out the door. We have to bolt now or we will never escape. 

“Mommy do we have to leave again? I don't want to move, I don't want to go! I hate this move. You're a mean mommy. I hate you!” 

A flash of hot white anger engulfs my body. How is it that I have become the villain? I'm trying to save our lives. If Connor catches us I'm certainly dead and I can't even begin to imagine what will happen to Amelia. I grab her by the wrist and jolt her towards the door. A blast of arctic air freezes my lungs as I rip open the door. More chilling than the air was seeing Collin standing right there. My world begins to spin, a wave of nausea crashes into me, I try to scream for Amelia to run but complete darkness overcomes my vision.

The light is blinding. I can't fully open my eyes. My head is throbbing. There's a metallic taste lingering in my mouth, I feel it sliding down the back of my throat. My forehead is wet and warm. I squint my eyes and I can just make out the leaves of trees towering over me. Am I on the ground? Amelia. The silence is deafening. Where is my Amelia? Where is Collin? Another wave of nausea hits me. I convulse and contract as I begin to vomit. I gasp for air. I hear the crunch of the icy snow on the ground. Each one gets louder as it gets closer. I'm writhing in pain, utterly immobilized. Wincingly I pry my eyes open half way only to find Collin looming over my almost lifeless body. With a twisted expression on his face, he let out a chilling laugh and said “I hope you die”. His words pierce right through me sending a shiver down my spine. The darkness rears its ugly head again and encapsulates me.

Times up. Our game of cat and mouse is over. Amelia. My mind feverishly flashes images of Amelia. Is she safe? Is she alive? Will I ever see her again? I've failed her. My only job on this earth was to protect her. Collin is a loose cannon with a reckless disregard for consequences. My baby girl isn't safe and now she is all alone with a monster.

“AMELIA! You can't hide from Daddy forever!”. Daddy. Him using that word is deplorable. I remind myself Amelia is safe, for now. I don't know how she escaped but she did. Clever girl. I hear rushed footsteps closing in. I peek through my blood soaked eyes. Everything is hazy.  “YOU DID THIS!” yells Collin in a low guttural tone. A sharp jolt of pain electrifies my side. The unexpected kick to the chest made me instantly recoil. “YOU MADE MY DAUGHTER HATE ME. ILL KILL YOU FOR THIS!” Another walloping blow lands in my side and makes me gasp for air. I moan in agony. If he can do this to me, what will happen to Amelia? I lie there motionless, helpless. Maybe if Collin thinks I am dead, he will run like the coward he is? Another devastating strike lands and  instantly everything gets dark.

There's a ringing in my ears. I can't hear too well. The throbbing behind my eyes has intensified. Am I still on the ground? Am I still outside? I begin to convulse. My vision is still blurry, my head is now wet and freezing. The ringing grows louder. It is high pitched and pulsating rapidly changing in pitch. It seems to be coming closer? There's a loud heavy thud that echoed through the outdoors. I hear the roar of an engine and the spitting of gravel as a car peels off. AMELIA! The ringing is now deafening. As I try to make any sort of movement I am instantly met by grueling pain. The darkness consumes me again.

The throbbing behind my eyes is now dull and achy. I blink, the harsh fluorescent lights in the room blurry my vision. It smells sterile. I pat around me. Wait, I can move. Is this a bed? Amelia! A burst of energy shoots through my body as I jolt up. “MOMMY YOU'RE AWAKE!”

Amelia runs up to me and strangles me with a tight squeeze and a wave of pain overcomes my body. It is the best sensation I have ever felt.