I've never told you

This may seem stereotypical. Or maybe ironic. I'm not sure.

The biggest secret I've never told the people I love is how much I love them. I have all these amazing friends. I love them all so much. They make me smile and laugh, we play games together, we act together, we watch movies together. We have fun together. Being with my friends is one of the best experiences ever.

But whenever the time comes to tell them this I freeze up.

How do you tell someone that you appreciate their grounding presence? That you appreciate their energy, their smiles and laughter? How do you tell someone that you care about them so much that sometimes thinking about it hurts? This physical ache by my heart that corresponds to the words climbing my throat, the words I never say.

The reason that I think I've never told my friends this is because I'm afraid. Saying 'I love you' and really, truly feeling it, not just as some throw-away good bye has all this stigma around it. I worry that they'll interpret it as romantic interest. We associate "I love you" with romantic interest, and I want it to become commonplace for it to be an implication of platonic love as well. It's 2020 now, and I want this stigma gone!

I think there might be another reason I've never told this secret. I think I'm afraid. I'm afraid to put my words on the chopping block. I'm afraid of revealing so much of myself, of being absolutely open and vulnerable and TRUE. Because it is so very, very hard to be 100% true. I think this is why people's biggest regrets when someone dies is that they never opened up to them and now they never can. We tell ourselves that the dead are omnipotent to make up for the guilt of hiding. It's very hard to make active choices and put yourself out there. To passively exist is always easier.

I've always been a cleaner communicator when I can put my thoughts into writing. Things are easier that way. I acknowledge the fact that now I'm being hypocritical. In the interest of quotable lines: the easiest thing to be in life is a hypocrite.

Let's take a step forward. I know this isn't the solution, but hey, it's a step. I'm starting here. I'll put it into writing. To each of my friends: I love you. I love you. I love you.