Half of a Whole

I just opened my eyes and I feel like a part of me is missing. Something is off and my entire being feels lighter. Am I still dreaming? Or am I even alive? I roll over and look at the time. It is seven o’clock in the morning, on the dot. As usual I stayed up all hours of the night eating fast food and binge watching my favorite sitcom. How do I feel so refreshed? It is rare for me to be up before eleven o’clock on any given day. I must admit it is a bad habit of mine. Let me check my five senses. My eyes can see the sun rise peeking through the blinds, I can feel my fingers pinching my skin, my nose can smell the sandalwood scented candle on the table by my bed, my ears can hear the wind blowing branches against my window and I can taste the mint toothpaste as I brush my teeth. I am surely alive.

For the first time in weeks I sat down to take the time to look at my calendar rather than just giving it a brief glance. I see the New Year’s Eve party at the lodge is this evening and I have a work meeting at one. I forgot all about it, which is not unusual for me to do. I have this motivation I have never had before. I feel inspired as I begin my day with a healthy breakfast. I am not one to eat breakfast or anything remotely healthy and it feels good. I even managed to arrive early to my meeting for work. I am always running roughly ten minutes behind and to say the very least being punctual was not my strong suit.

As seven o'clock rolls around I begin getting ready for the New Year’s Eve party at the lodge. I am ready to leave and let loose in a short twenty-five minutes. I look at the clock in disbelief as I usually spend over an hour obsessing over my outfit and hair. I looked gorgeous, effortlessly. I felt beautiful for the first time in a long time. I leave for the party and once I arrive the lodge is already jam-packed. I look around at all the smiling faces full of laughter. I worry that my social anxiety may begin to take hold. However, I found myself to be a social butterfly instead. I was chatting with everyone, without a single fear. This was definitely out of character for me as I usually keep to myself.

 I spot a woman from across the room entering the lodge. She sat by herself at a table in the corner, tucked away as if she were hiding. She almost appeared defeated by the look on her face and the way she carried herself. She struck me as a sad human being, and I was drawn to her. I have no recollection of ever meeting her before but I feel as if I have known her my whole life. Oddly, she even looks a bit like myself. Her outfit is dreamy and her hair and makeup are exquisite. She arrived an hour and a half after the party began so I start our conversation with the question, “fashionably late?”

She gave me a shy smirk and replied, “I am never on time for anything, ever.”

I begin to tell her about how I woke up this morning feeling different. I expressed that I felt different but in a pleasant way. I explained to her that I had not felt this way in years. It was if layers of cold-hearted people, cruel words and traumatic events had shed my body. “Usually I’d be the one fashionably late.” I tell her. “New year, new me!” I say in a somewhat joking manner. I compliment her on her appearance. She did not seem to realize her beauty. She did not seem to realize her worth. She rarely made eye contact and was honestly a bit awkward. The woman expressed to me after a few drinks that she could not find a single thing that looked good on her and that her hair will never lay right. She seemed as if she had not a drop of confidence. She admitted to me that without the alcoholic beverages she would probably not even be able to converse with me due to her anxiety. As the night progressed she proceeded to confide in me and began telling me all about being fired this morning due to her poor time management and how she coped by eating a ton of junk food in bed the rest of the day. I expressed to her that I felt hypocritical giving her any bit of advice as I could barely take my own but that I completely understood her less than admirable qualities. I ensured her that before this peculiar day began I was just like her.

 We continued to converse as the countdown to midnight began. “Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, Happy New Year!!!!” the entire room cheered. I felt euphoria. Why? I began looking around in the chaos to find the woman to celebrate with her and share with her this overwhelming sense of freedom that has just come across me. I couldn’t find her. I returned to the table we had sat at all evening and there lie a note written in a napkin. The note read “If you are looking for me, the woman full of insecurities and bad habits, I no longer exist. It is up to you to make sure I never return. New year, new me.” I went home in confusion and fell into a slumber.

As the sun arose I had just opened my eyes. Was last night a dream? I roll over to check my five senses and I spot the napkin on my bedside. That was proof enough for me. I am not dreaming. I am living. Everything feels whole. I look in the mirror and I like what I see. At this moment I realize, I will never see that woman from the lodge again. That woman full of insecurities and bad habits, was all the bad parts of me.