Even if it hurts

June 7th

He kissed me…

I know I should be writing about how magical and romantic and amazing it was. That’s all my friends can talk about when they discuss their first time. But I just, can’t. 

I’m struggling to find the words to explain how I feel. I’ve thought about the moment over and over in my mind. The setting, a cool summer evening in the local park, at a bench, just the two of us. The lighting, just one, lone lamp and the waning moon brightening the night sky as we rested from our walk. The sound, just the creaking symphony of crickets and frogs in the background. The movement…

The movement. The kiss itself. It was… underwhelming? There wasn’t anything inherently bad about it. It was a little sloppy, as all firsts are, but, at least from my understanding, there wasn’t anything “wrong” with it. In fact, based on my more experienced friends’ stories, it was actually a very nice and “romantic” experience… 

So why do I feel so confused? 

I just felt...nothing. No spark. No fireworks.

Not even sadness, anger, disgust. I felt no emotions at all about it. 

Is there something wrong with me? 

I didn’t mention these feelings, or lack thereof, to him. Not yet. I need to figure out what I’m feeling first. 

June 14th 

It’s been a week now, and I still haven’t figured out what I’m feeling. 

I’ve tried to explain it to a few of my friends, but most of them laughed and said I was probably too nervous to enjoy it, that’s why I feel so weird. I guess that makes sense, right? 

Only, he’s kissed me now a few more times since then. 

The experience has been roughly the same, though a little less sloppy. And the setting, of course, is different. But the feeling, my feelings haven’t changed. I still feel nothing. Just completely neutral honestly. Sometimes, when he gets too close or I get overwhelmed, I even find myself pulling away. I feel guilty for that, and it makes him a bit sad, so I try to maintain a happy face until I figure out what is going on with me. 

Maybe the internet can provide some advice. I’m not usually one to seek out symptoms or ask questions about whether or not my current crush likes me back, but I need to know. I need an answer. Anything, really. Something beyond this confusing feeling of nothing. 

June 17th

I came across something. I think it might be my answer? 

I’m not sure how I found it exactly. I had been researching my “condition” for days with few results, and anything I did find was much more elaborate than what I thought I might be feeling. I began to get consumed by the thought that it might just be me, I might just be a freak, or there was something broken or wrong with me. 

But then, I recalled a term… in the deepest depths of my memory, from a brief conversation once with my college roommate. I typed out the word asexual. 

At the time, I couldn’t really remember the definition, but I just had a feeling, there was something right about this word. 

I came across a few websites defining terms, blogs elaborating on personal experiences, Q&A sites answering every question imaginable. Obviously not absolutely every aspect of this term fit, but there was definitely something about it that aligned with how I have been feeling. 

I’m still not sure though. A label seems a bit drastic. I might be overreacting. I will have to think on this more deeply. I’m not sure if I’ve created more answers or more questions for myself. 

June 18th

I talked to my roommate, Clara. She’s at home now working, so I felt bad for disturbing her, but I needed to talk to someone, to hash out my feelings and figure out if I’m making any sense at all. I’ve read so many articles and blogs at this point, I couldn’t even remember exactly how I was feeling originally. It’s just been so much to process…

Clara was a godsend. She remembered talking to me about asexuality ages ago and was unsurprised but wonderfully supportive when I brought it up to her in a panic last night. 

We talked through my various experiences, both with him and in my general interactions with people, and I think I’ve actually come to the conclusion that I am asexual? It still feels very weird, but also, honestly, its a relief? I’m not one for labels most of the time, but this one makes me feel comfortable, understood, and, frankly, sane. I didn’t realize until talking with her that I’ve been feeling this “off”-ness for a while, and just didn’t have the words to explain it. But my feelings aren’t wrong or bad, they are just how I feel, and “normal” in their own way. 

I’m still figuring it out obviously, but I have a sense of peace now, at least for the moment. 

Now I just have to figure out how to tell him… 

June 20th

I’m trying to find the words to explain how I feel. I’m still processing what happened. 

To start, I guess I should say my conversation with him did not go well. 

No, not at all actually. 

I had to do it over the phone, which is never preferable, but I can’t imagine the result if it had been in person. I called him and explained my new discovery and asked how he felt… he sure did tell me. 

I think initially he was in shock, and he tried to ask a few questions for clarification. It all went downhill from there. Yelling and anger and confusion, pleads to change my mind, convictions that I can’t be that way and I must be confused. On and on and on, during the call, over messages, contacting my friends to coerce me to change. 

For now, he’s blocked me on all accounts. 

Clara called me afterward and calmed me down. She’s right in that his reaction was unfair and unkind, even if his personal feelings are valid. But, God, I’ve never felt such utter pain and loss within one conversation. Never has my soul been torn apart again and again with every message and plead.

I’m a bit lost now as to what to do, but, even if it hurts, I don’t regret my decision to tell him. I found something that works for me, and that is all I can do, all I can be. 

I am asexual, no matter what anyone tells me. 

Even if it hurts.