Broke Back Buck

She did what? You’re kidding right?

Nope. I’m not kidding.

Yes but who spends that much on something like that? 

Um? Her? 

Her.

Her being my mother. 

It also makes so much sense today.

It wasn’t long ago and we were riding horses and checking on pig pens. We always had a great time out there in the country visiting. The kids would anticipate our arrival simply because they never knew what kind of new animal Grandma would have in the house or running around on the acreage out in the middle of no where. We walked inside once to a kitchen that was full of chickens and a window removed on purpose so her favorite horse could pop in and say hello once in awhile. The kids always had a lot of questions because Grandma’s house always was different than theirs. Not necessarily the cleanest of places. But so full of excitement. Did you just step in chicken poop or was that some kind of sticky putty Grandma used to keep a carpet square down? You never knew. 

I remember one time my little sister and I had dates and they wanted to hang out with our mother and ride horses. Of course we wanted to go into town and get away from the country redneck hillbilly lifestyle for awhile but it was evident our drivers were preoccupied with our mother and the horses. So we sat. We sat. We sat. One of the guy’s ended up spurring the horse he was on an ended up pretty beat up for a guy who claimed to know what he was doing. Mom and his buddy walk him into the house so mom could play make shift doctor and examine his injuries. My sister and I desperately tried to stop the anger from rolling down our cheeks as we sat and watched this unfold.

As Mom comes back with her first aid kit the injured date jumps up and screams bloody murder. 

What could it be? 

Well, it could be a scorpion. In fact, it was a scorpion. Broke Back Buck now has his saddle scars and a scorpion sting to top it off. 

No. We didn’t go on our dates that night. 

So many years have gone by and Mom went onto many different hobbies. Computers and cats were a thing for awhile. She was honestly great with designing web pages for people. I had no idea how good she was with teaching herself new things. She never ceased to amaze me. Then one day she lost her husband and her father on the very same day and she sort of quit doing anything. I worried about her for quite sometime because where she use to try new hobby’s every time I turned around, she now seemed lost and empty. 

I wondered if I would ever see light in her eyes again. 

Then I get a text message with an attachment. The message reads, “Meet your new little brother.” 

I open the message and it’s a photo of a bald, extremely pale pink mouse? Pig? Cat? A dog?

Oh it’s a dog. Another dog. Again after all these years. Mom is back. I’m so happy. I open the attached photo. My new bald four legged sibling is wearing a sweater that probably cost more than my entire childhood wardrobe. 

Yeah. Yep. Indeed. Mom did that. A Juicy Couture sweater on my new bald baby brother. 

She now has a shopping hobby. A shopping for designer brand clothing and toys for her new furless baby. I wondered how long her depression would last. Seemed like forever but what a blessing that she found a way back up and found purpose again. 

It wasn’t until this past month I learned about asking my guardian angels for benevolent outcomes. What I also learned is that as small children our guardian angels are doing the very best they can to take care of us when we don’t know how to talk to them.

I will admit, I said many times over the years that she dressed her four legged friends better than she did us kids when we were small. Her four legged friends might as well have beds made of gold as much as she loves making sure everything is set up perfectly for them. I get it. She has the means to dress her dogs up. When we were small her and dad could barely pay rent and great grandma sewed a lot of our clothes. Itchy, yet quite stylish designer Rileans. Did you ever own a pair or Rilean pants with a matching vest? Well we did. Funny. We had no idea how blessed we were while we complained of the scratchy fabric.

It wasn’t until this year with so much time alone in my thoughts. I began filing the past into the “no longer serve me purpose” file. While working on this task many things came to light for me. 

Today I’m free of wondering what could have been if mom had bought me cute clothes like she does her dogs. Why didn’t mom dress me up for picture day in kindergarten? Why couldn’t mom and dad make their marriage work? Why didn’t Mom keep us in Spokane with our dad and the rest of our family? Why of all places would our mother take us to of all places, Oklahoma. 

I know now. I absolutely without a shadow of a doubt know. My mom had guardian angels too. But us kids had them also and something tells me today that we were taken to Oklahoma so that everything we have now can be reminders.

Reminders? How is having an abusive step dad any kind of good thing? Nope. I don’t have answers to that which left many scars. But I can tell you this much. I believe that we had angels that kept us from being killed as small children while our dad took us on a beer run while he drove drunk. I believe we had guardian angels that kept us from having an intruder walk into our apartment while we were sleeping. Left home alone all under the age of 9 during the night while our dad was at a girlfriends or a bar. I believe because I’m 100% convinced that it can always be worse. That we are often guided out of the worst so we can have better opportunities. This won’t make sense to a deep wound you keep bandaged with resentments. That’s okay. I get that. I think I was wrapped head to toe with resentments for as long as I can remember. 

This story is about someone not being able to stick to a hobby. I chose my mother as the main character. I chose her because it’s her whom I’d always get that “Why Wound” to ache a little for. 

Until now. Now I see it. Everything my sister, brother and I have today is because Mom did come to Oklahoma instead of keeping us all in Spokane. What we’ve done with our lives after that isn’t on her. We eventually became adults. Adults that met the father and mother of our beautiful children. 

See I pulled stunts too. Similar and my own children suffered for it. 

I could have stayed in Spokane or went back anytime I wanted. We all could have after a certain point in our rebellious teen years. I did. It failed. I know why now. None of us would have made it in Spokane without a foundation. That foundation died before mom even left with us as small children. Our dad, God I love him so, but the truth is that he was always drunk way before mom decided to leave. Besides NO ONE there had what it took to be able or willing to raise someone else’s three children when Dad was off on a bender or fighting with his girlfriend. A once in awhile stay, okay no problem. Indefinitely to stay? Yeah. No one. Not one of them there would have stepped up to the plate to take us three kids because they had so much going on in their own lives with their own families. Not to mention they couldn’t afford all of us at the same time. Even Grandma barely made it with all three of us at once. If it we’re supposed to have happened it would have and there would have been a fight to keep us in Spokane. There was NO fight. 

Why would you even say such crap Lynn? My reply is, “Simple.” 

Look at the children you have that call you mom/dad? Look at the grandchildren we have? 

Would you trade having a better childhood for them? No way. No how.

Not me. 

I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s because of the grand-babies and grand- nieces that I’m able to file all that old stuff into what no longer serves me. It also allows me to love my mother unconditionally as simply my mother because as a mother I was far from perfect myself and even had fights with my oldest son that left deeper scars then any fight I ever had with my mother. 

I’m glad this Bald Dog Brother of mine is a hobby that makes my mom smile. Brings her comfort and happiness. 

Mom you’re the best. I love you big. I love you little. I am glad you have found something again that makes you happy. Happy like I’ve no doubt you were when you held each one of us kids in your arms for the very first time. It’s all okay mom. I made some really crappy choices too. All of them bringing me right back here to loving you and my dad as much as I did when I was that baby who looked at you both in love.

Broke Back Buck

Written by Lynn Rilean Smith