Rhiane

RHIANE

Hi! I’m James. A fifty-seven year old male to female transgender person from New York. Along with MDD, consisting of suicidal tendencies, life sucks. I’ve read that to have, you have to experience sorrow to receive joy. The world is do. And me. I have been told that I am suicidal, but unable to die. What a conundrum.

How about a little background info. At twenty-two, I married a beautiful woman. At that age, she was with child. Kathy was eighteen then. She brought the joy of my life, Krystal. She was two. My Krystal was my first love, her happy, cheeks exuded love, She is the reason my family existed. Kathy was sitting twenty feet away, when I finally noticed her. Many young, sex-crazed night unfolded. Amanda was born on June 26, 1987. Elizabeth magically appeared October eighteen,1990. Life was, supposably, good until I mentioned that I wanted to be a girl. I am thinking that my cross dressing and my lack of ability to hide it became to much for my wife to deal with. Not that I can blame her now that I've had time to speculate on it. Marriage POOF, and I got the girls. November 2001. Suicidal tendencies flourished. I destroyed the marriage that would never end. We kissed in our sleep. I lost my best friend. It was all my fault. I ended up standing on the highway, contemplating which truck to jump in front of. I felt bad for the driver that would hit me. Attempt failed. This was the worst year of my life.

Over the years, I’ve made many attempts. I lost interest in life. My dreams were either destroyed or fulfilled by then. My babies were, now, women with babies/families. MDD is major depression disorder and suicidal tendencies. I have no dream. Evil thoughts controlled my every action. I lost my will to live. My purpose?

Transgendering since January eleventh, 2018. I’m five feet, 10 inches tall, 210 pounds. I delivered restaurant equipment for the previous ten years; 800 pound pizza ovens, four hundred pound stoves, etc. I was a beast to begin with, so the process has been slow in my transition. I’ve lost major muscle. I've lost about fifteen pounds. My legs are very shapely and feminine. B cups have come along for the ride. My every thought, action, emotion, mannerism ooze femininity. Even PMS. The body is trailing behind a bit. Lifetime cross dressing led to transing. It took me fifty four years to get the nerve. much research, also, led to my apparent decision. There are no guidelines for transitioning; it just happens. Basically, I am an experiment.

By 2015. Work plus too much beer and coke equaled don’t give a fuck. Things were doing until like……Juneish. Ernie and bonnie, lifelong friend and his four year girlfriend, respectively, moved in. they had nowhere to go. Mom never let people starve or live in the street, so I did the same. Bad idea! My job( of 10 yrs.), my awesome apartment, heart, and ninety percent of my possessions gone. My landlord evicted me to get rid of them. I was screwed by my best friend. I move to my daughter’s house then another apartment in a little town. My judgement of lifelong friends proved misguided again, ten percent gone. Friends since 18. In February, I walked off to find somewhere to die. After ten miles of pouring raining, I turned on route 209 in Penn. Two lanes of darkness and death. My will to live dissipated as the freezing rain drained down. Fortunately/unfortunately my savior stopped in an old ford pickup. We proceeded to a bar. Two Stellas later, I called 911. newton{nj} Behavioral Hospital was next. My 10 day rehabilitation brought me to Newburgh. A foreclosed house with a recently met transwoman and others. Shivering while waiting for apparent journey to ensue. Soon after, I ended up here in New Windsor. My mental health issues proved beneficial finally. My apartment is, virtually, impossible to lose.No salary means no rent do. Access supports for living is in the building.

2021 my year from hell

In April, my ex-girlfriend passed away, then a young lady at my job just dropped dead. I was shook! A month later my friend Queen joined the dead. After a short stay in another psych ward, I was advised to stay home and leave my job. I was soon denied unemployment. Lucky for stimulus checks. I applied for Social Services in August. I have vices that were not being met. My cigarettes and weed were not being paid to get. I received hardly no monies on Dec. tenth. I will receive $ fifty seven twice monthly. So sad. Tickets to Halestorm/Evanessence became a journey impossible. It was on December fifteenth. Another heartache. The concert was supposed to be many saving grace to the worst year ever. Another tenant in my building passed next. A nice older lady.

On Friday the thirteen in August. My Krystal passed on. She was 37. I will never be the same. Self parental doubt added to my list, forever. The heart and soul within burnt, stabbed , beaten, set on fire was then replaced into my flailing body. Monetary issues persisted to nothingness. My pain propagated and festered.

I tried again. Through Thanksgiving, I was in a Westchester County Behavioral Hospital. My destination went through a hospital in Newburgh, NY. No mental ward, so I waited twenty-five hours to transfer. I was told that it was a short time to wait. Fortunately, my hours babbling with my watchers led me ahead. The young ladies stopping my escape in a hospital gown, were very perceptive. Thier experiences led me to my final choice. I am nervous and anxious to begin. Now a part time job would be great, as well.

My dreams became apparent. To fulfill my heart, I must help. My tired heart is beating again after many moons. On January tenth, I begin schooling for medical tech then RN. My transitioning has changed my career choices, basically everything is different. I will excell. My future is not yet set, but now I have a plan to succeed. Before I will become myself, I need more time for the hormones to do more pretty. Electrolysis is next. wearing wigs will be necessary as I'm balding. When hair can be be regrown, nobody will be bald. I wait and hope.

Rhiane Kae lives.

(Krystal,Amanda,Elizabeth)