Blue

January 1, 2019 (Tuesday, 10:15 p.m.)

I want to confess, to you a stranger. I want to reveal my secret.

And maybe because you don’t know me...you still might get the chance to know me better than anyone else.

Blue - I hope the title didn’t confuse you, or if it does I hope that it gets your attention.

If you are going to ask me what I'm feeling right now, maybe it is too absurd to say that I'm happy, because I'm definitely not. It's a kind of mixed emotions; scared but there's a hint of excitement knowing that I will no longer hide this. It is totally difficult for me to spill out the truth, and I’ve been hiding it for years now. I guess this is the perfect time for people to know, or at least this is the right time for people to realize that we are not monsters as what they tend to describe us. I’ve lived my whole life pretending like a normal teen, but I can’t hide it anymore. Believe it or not, I have a Multiple Personality Disorder or what they called now Dissociative Identity Disorder. Imagine a world without knowing who you are, where suddenly you will turn into someone you are not aware of. Just in case you don’t know, Dissociative Identity Disorder involves a lack of connection between a person’s sense of identity, memory, and consciousness. In which I hope you understand where I am right now; in this state of fear of coming out.

At this point, I am at the ‘happy phase’ point of my disorder which means, I didn’t switch (my alter) for more than 5 months now. This is truly a milestone for me. And my next goal is to overcome this disorder.

So why am I writing this?

Because it’s not yet over.

I lied when I told you that I’m fine because I wasn’t. My alter just came up a while ago before I decided to do this writing. I still hear voices now and then, and it feels like I’m back into becoming a puppeteer or a robot. I can’t control myself, but I need to. I’ve fought it this far, but it is far from over.

And to tell you more about my disorder, here are my 8 multiple personalities (from youngest to the recent one);

Irma: Female, around the age of 6. She’s playful; who loves stuffed animals, teddy bears to be specific. She is also fearful. The last thing I remembered about her when she appeared was that she goes tantrums just because of this distinct loud sound she heard from my neighbor. Gladly, my doctor came to help at that time.

Kurt: Male, around the age of 8. He’s quiet and a bit shy. He also likes animals and his fondness of listening to music makes him too adorable to resist. When he does talk, he always stutters and has this soft sound like old English.

Katy: Female, around the age of 22. Flirty, seductive and rebellious. She’s an outgoing person and loves to hang out. She always gets what she wants. And she loves biting her nails and playing her hairs as if like she was seducing a guy. The last time she appeared is when my boyfriend kissed me. I know for a second that she will appear at that time, but I tried to divert her focus and gladly, I came back.

Mathe: Male, 24. He’s dangerous, violent, and dark. He loves watching gore movies and always wanted to do it. Every time he appears, he always bows down his head, and his eyes were always deadly and sharp. The last time he appeared is when my doctor came to visit me, and Mathe went berserk because he feels like he was disturbed. And the scariest thing he did was he tried to cut his fingers (or should, I say my fingers) gladly, my doctor got the chance to get the knife he was supposed to use.

Alice: Female, around the age of 29. She’s smart and kind. She always takes notes and loves creating poems and short stories. Also, she’s very sweet and likes making origami flowers. Every time she comes out, she normally writes very quickly, and will immediately put her hair up in a bun.

Carl: Male, around 33 years old. He’s creative, logical-thinker, and seemingly heartless but not. Of all the other alters, he is the leader and is more of like a peacemaker. He’s brilliant too, but there’s something about him that he doesn’t want to share. Everything he says either has a meaning or is just profound. He’s been out thrice. And the last thing I remembered about him, he always smirks.

Unknown: Female, age unknown. She’s quiet, sad and helpless. She also loves the color blue and does nothing. It feels like she’s mourning for something, and, or experienced agony as seen in her eyes. She’s been out once. And I’m a bit scared of what she can bring. She’s totally hard to resist.

And lastly, the last personality is me.

Chris: Male, 19. I love reading books and watching sci-fi movies. I used to question whether I was one of the alters, and one of them was the host. Sometimes I still wonder about it.

Having this kind of disorder makes me think if I do deserve it, or if I do, what’s the purpose? To everyone out there who thinks that we aren’t normal, we do. It’s just that we live in a different path of normal life. The struggle is real. Taking up a lot of medicines hoping that one day, we will get better. And thrice a day, I attend sessions with my doctor, waiting that one day I will be back from my old self. But despite having this personality it made me realized that we need to appreciate little things. To seize every moment, and create memories with your loved ones. I may have 8 different personalities, but my heart remains one, and that what matters most. I’m far from over but, I will make sure that I will overcome this.

And that’s a lot of information about me already, and since it’s morning now, I need to bid my goodbye for now. Until next timbfdgaskderaslkjfkewqlacsafjvHELP!