Be Kind Tell White Lies

Be Kind Tell White Lies

“I’ve got no friends and nobody likes me!”

Well that’s not actually true. I like you”.

“Yes but you’re my mum. You’re supposed to like me”. She replied.

“Not all parents like their children” Jennie’s mother continued. “I had a friend when I was young and her mum and dad couldn’t stand her. They were horrible to her and she went off to live with her Gran”.

“Yes but Mum that’s unusual isn’t it?” Jennie replied. “I’m just saying that if you didn’t like me, who would? I just don’t understand people and especially the ones who are supposed to be my good friends”.

“Well to be honest with you love, I think you are a little too outspoken for a lot of people, and too honest”. Her mother nervously said.

“What? How can you be too honest? That’s what you taught me. Always be honest, and truthful to yourself and everyone else – you drummed that into me, so effectively it’s your fault that I am friendless!”

“No, well yes, but you can be too honest. People don’t want to hear the complete truth sometimes love”.

“I don’t even get you. What are you on about?” said Jennie, getting annoyed with her mother now, mainly because she didn’t quite understand what she was getting at. “You always talk in riddles Mum. Just say what you mean.”

“Well that’s exactly what I mean. You’re being rude by saying that.” Her mother continued.

“Huh? Rude about what?” Jennie continued, getting slightly annoyed with her mother.

“The thing you said to me about talking in riddles and other things”.

“How is that rude? You do talk in riddles quite often. I lose track of what you’re saying and then it just gets boring”.

“Jennie” her mum sounded exasperated now but continued, trying to stay calm and controlled. “This is the whole point to the conversation. You are rude to people. You can’t go around saying just what you like and when you like. It doesn’t help to make or continue friendships… I’m just saying”.

“So you really do think that nobody likes me then?” Jennie bore into her mother’s eyes with her own dark brown ones, waiting for a reply.

Jennie’s mother started to feel a little sorry for her daughter. She didn’t mean to be outspoken. Helen’s ex-husband had been the same – rude to people, too honest in his opinions, and wondered why, in the end people shunned him. The number of times throughout their marriage that Helen had wished the ground could swallow her up because of something offensive her husband had said, were just too many times to count. She had lost a few friendships because of him, and her loyalty, until she realised that it wasn’t her problem, and that’s why he became the ‘ex’ husband.

“Maybe if you just take a few breaths before you say anything love, could be helpful” she offered her daughter.

“What, I go “gulp, gulp of air….How are you? Gulp, gulp “How was your holiday?”….Gulp, gulp, “You’re looking well”…. That is one of the most stupid things I think I’ve heard you say Mum” and Jennie stormed off.

“Well I rest my case” her mother mumbled to herself as she too walked away.

The trouble with Jennie, as with anyone with a flaw in their character, which by the way is most of us, was that she couldn’t see what she herself was like. People were ‘put off her’ after a while but Jennie didn’t think ‘It must be me’, quite the opposite, as in her thinking ‘what is it about these people that makes them not like me?’….

Jennie put the conversation she had recently had with her mother out of her mind. It hadn’t made it any easier to try and understand why she wasn’t liked for long by many people but it was just too difficult to try and work out the intricacies of life. But it was brought back into focus when one of her friends cancelled going to the movies with her.

Liv and Jennie had organised to go to the movies together and were discussing what time Liv would pick Jennie up – a simple enough conversation to have on a Friday afternoon when the weeks work was over and an aromatic coffee sat in front of both of them!

“OK so shall we say 6.15 pick-up Jen?” her friend asked. “The movie is at 6.45 so that will allow plenty of time for parking and walking to the cinema”.

“As long as it is 6.15” came the reply, and then she added, unnecessarily “Because you’re never on time, and it’s so annoying missing the start of the movie, let alone having to sit down the front”.

“I have been late once. I had car trouble and did my best to get to you on time. You’re lucky I pick you up at all”.

Now Jennie could have left it there but just to make matters worse she continued, “No I’m not lucky really. You’re a terrible driver, and I could just as easily get the bus and meet you there”.

“Are you kidding? You really think I’m a terrible driver Jennie?”

Now here was Jennie’s chance to say “I’m only joking – of course I don’t. You’re a great driver” but didn’t, instead making matters worse by adding “Really bad and I’m not the only one who thinks it!”

“Well!” exclaimed an angry Liv. “You do that. Get the bus, but don’t meet me there. You’re just such a rude person”. With that she scraped her chair from under the table, on the tiled floor, grabbed her bag and left.

Jennie was left at the table with a half-finished coffee, a bill to pay and a look on her face that said ‘What’s up with her?”

When Jennie got home and told her mum that Liv had cancelled their evening at the movies, alarm bells rang – the kind of alarm bells that ring when someone had put their foot in it, or basically ‘Just said it how it is’…..

“Jennie love” her mother began “can’t you see what you do to make people, your friends included, behave towards you the way they do?”

“Not really. I can’t understand what all the fuss is about” she replied, sitting down and turning the television on. “Oh well if I’m not going to the movies, I’ll watch one on tv”.

But her mum wasn’t about to give in on this conversation. It mattered that her only daughter was going to end up friendless because of not being able to tell a ‘half-truth’ every now and then, a half-truth that wasn’t malicious or nasty but actually made situations more positive and kept friendships alive.

“Jennie, think about what you said to Liv today. If you hadn’t of even mentioned her being late sometimes, or her driving, then you would be at the movies now. If when Liv asked if you meant what you said about her driving, and you said “just joking” then the whole situation would have been diffused”. Her mum looked at Jennie intently and asked “Do you understand what I am saying and how you have to be mindful about what you say to people? I know you don’t mean to be unkind or hurtful but Jennie you are sometimes with what you say” (more than sometimes) her mum thought to herself.

“Well maybe you’re right” she conceded. “I just know that it happens a bit and I actually like my friends. They don’t seem to like me and …..I’d prefer it if they did”. She looked at her mother sheepishly and added “there you are, I’ve said it, are you happy?”

“So if you recognise a problem and are willing to try and fix it, then that’s a very good start, don’t you agree?” she asked her daughter.

“Yeah I guess so” was the reply “Let’s have dinner – I’m starving”.

They sat at the small wooden table facing each other, both with private thoughts and ideas. Jennie wondering why her mother had ever gotten her hair cut as it was too short and didn’t suit her, and her mother thinking about the ways in which she could help Jennie to solve her problem of speaking too truthfully to people and in effect being rude and insensitive.

At last the very quiet meal was finished and they both left the table with their dirty dishes in hand, heading for the kitchen. “Thank you for dinner Mum, delicious, and by the way, your haircut is awful, too short.

“Mum I feel ridiculous doing this” Jennie complained.

“It’s to help you see more clearly why your friends are dropping off like flies Jennie”.

“Right – you’re meeting some friends at the pub. You walk in and see Ruth in a very short skirt and ‘in your opinion’ it doesn’t suit her, and ‘to you’ it doesn’t look very good on her.

Ruth asks you how she looks in her new skirt. What do you say?”

Jennie thought for a moment – a good sign for her mum that she was thinking about the situation, and then replied “I would say – it’s a lovely skirt but looks terrible on you”.

“No Jennie. That’s not what you would say to her. Well I mean, that’s not what you should say to her. That comment would hurt her feelings. This is what I’m trying to teach you, about people’s feelings and telling little white lies to make your comments positive”.

“Well what would you have said Mum – seeing as you are Mrs. ‘honest at all times, but can tell little white lies’….

“I would have said to Ruth “You look great tonight and I love the skirt”.

“But that’s lying Mum”.

“It’s also being nice and not hurting anyone by saying what the other person would prefer to hear. Ruth would still like you, she would have a great night and so would you. Everyone wins. What we think and what comes out of our mouths doesn’t necessarily match, but to me, saying something nice it is a better way to talk to others”.

“It’s like your comment last night about my hair”. You didn’t have to tell me that you didn’t like the haircut. I like it and to me that is what matters but it was a little hurtful hearing what you said. I don’t go around telling you what I don’t like about your appearance or your personality…..it would take me a week to write it all down! And the other day when you asked if I enjoyed the dinner you made for us I could have said “not really as it was too salty and it gave me indigestion all night” but I didn’t”.

“Oh I really thought you enjoyed the dinner”….

“I did. That wasn’t a good example, but there are plenty of others”

“Last scenario for the nigh…..You’re at a family gathering and the guest of honour is turning 90. Another guest turns to you and asks you if you can believe your Gran is actually 90 years of age. What should you reply?”

“Wait a minute”, Jennie said “are you talking about Gran’s 90^th birthday last year?’

“Yes that’s the one, where you started the biggest family argument we have ever had!”

“Mum I did realise later I shouldn’t have said what I did – I thought everyone knew Gran had been getting plastic surgery for years. All I said was…..If you let everything droop that’s been hitched up, and took the entire colour out of Gran’s hair, she would probably look 110. Everyone laughed”.

“Everyone laughed except Gran and Grandad and most of my side of the family. Then if you remember, it was one family against the other. My sister said something about it being better to keep trim and fit no matter what, rather than fat and unhealthy like some people! And it became one insult after another. It was a truly awful evening for a while – until apologies were offered and handshakes given, but it was actually your fault it started. 

“What would you have said then to the remark”, Jennie asked her Mum and with actual interest in her voice now.

“

Gran looks amazing for her age. That is actually the truth. It didn’t matter how she got to look that way. That wasn’t even the question”.

“Do you understand what I’m getting at Jennie? It doesn’t take much to add or subtract a little bit from the truth. What I said to you last week – which you didn’t appreciate or probably listen to at the time – was just to take a few seconds to think about what you are going to say when asked something. The truth certainly matters when the content is important but for trivial or simple conversation, it’s not that important. If a friendship can be saved by a tiny white lie – then say it, and save it. Oh I just made that up and I rather like it – my new mantra…’say it and save it’…What do you think Jennie?”

“Umm, I’m just thinking for a few seconds…..Yes, a great saying Mum”.

“I wonder if she means that.” Jennie’s Mum asked herself, hoping that she didn’t!!