A Letter from Death

Greetings humans, earthlings, or whatever else you call yourselves/would like to be called...

You don’t know me, but I know you. I know all of you. Every one of you 7 billion useless blobs of skin and bone, constantly polluting the only planet that you can survive on. What are you thinking? Do you have a death wish or something? If you do, be my guest. I am always glad to have some company. But that is not why I am writing to you today. I am writing to you because, during an argument between me and my big sister Life, we neglected to watch Gateway C1432, or, better known as the Virus Gateway. During the short period of time that we were arguing, a deadly virus snuck past us and into the C1432 Gateway. 

We are here to apologize to you today, and also partially to blame you and to let you know just how big and horrible you have made this situation. You have let this virus spread among you, by neglecting to wear masks, forgetting to distance, and somehow abandoning the guidelines for proper hygiene. It is you, who have done all of these things, and now we are so clogged up here in the world of death, that my brothers and sisters Hell, Heaven, Life and I don’t know how much more we can take up here. We are begging you to get yourselves out of this dark time so that we can bring in the light. 

You might be wondering why we can’t help, and this is a very simple answer. Up here in the world of death, we can only decide who dies, and where to put you when this happens; because yes, it will eventually happen. We have no way of sharing our immortality with you, and even if we did, we probably would not because think of all the problems that would cause, I mean if people lived forever that would be a problem in itself but… oh whoops, I’m getting off task here. Anyway, my big sister Life is the one who can help you make things better. So if you have any problems, please take them up with her. But before you go and take everything out on her, please know that she has been doing everything she can to help you all. Between restocking factories, inventing masks, and releasing medicines, her schedule has been packed. So please, go easy on her.

One other thing you might be asking is: “well, you let this virus in, why can’t you just take it out?”. Again, a simple answer. According to code 6143972, we cannot interfere with any invention, person, virus, complication, or thing once it enters the Planet 1 [earth] gateway. Again, I and my sister Life are so sorry for what has happened, and we hope you will forgive us some time or other in the future. We do send our condolences though, and since most of you humans have been so resilient so far, we have decided to send you a gift. We had to think of something we would like, and the first thing that came to mind when I and my siblings sat down to conference was something Heaven invented just around 40 years ago: Social Media. You are so attached to this, that it has even become a mental health problem in the last couple of years! Between mobile phones and social media,  you were set. So, we decided to give you a new social media app. The name? We are still working on it. But we have spent so much time in quarantine, trying to get rid of this pandemic, wearing masks, and many other things, we are thinking about sometime involving time, maybe like… Clock or Tock or Tok Tik… we’ll let you know soon. 

In addition to all this pandemic business, it is time to recognize all those doctors that have been working closely with us (or at least, angels and devils in disguise that we sent down to earth so generously about a month ago) to rid the earth of this pandemic. We understand that this is a time of great darkness, and we hope it will end soon in some light. You may not realize that your lives are all up to us up here. I don’t know how to describe it to you, other than through something you know best, your phones. Have you ever played one of those this or that games? The ones where there are a couple of different options of how to react, or what to do? That is what it’s like for us. You got a Christmas present? We can pick how you react. Your hampster escaped? Wondering whether to go look for it? We can pick that too. It’s all one big game for us. Oh no! I did not mean that disrespectfully, of course, it was just an analogy, don’t worry. 

If you humans want, I can go to my cousins Past, Present, and Future and have them see what they can see. Not that that will help you at all, but for some reason, all of you like to know what’s coming before it comes… a pretty useless idea in my opinion. Wait, don’t tell Future I said that, please! We have had enough arguments already. You know how it is, they are always telling you that something big is going to happen, and then they never say anything else. They quietly pity you, but tell you why; it’s annoying! Anyway, enough about me. To conclude, I want to tell you, humans, again that me and Life are so sorry for neglecting to guard the earth gate, and not noticing when Covid-19 slipped through; you are going through a spot of great darkness now, and we hope it will soon turn into a spot of light, most of you deserve it. We hope to see you soon, but not, since we want you to live your best lives. Excuse the dry humor, we don’t have much use for jokes in the world of death, so I am a bit out of practice in this subject. 

Best regards,

Death