Mirror, mirror

“You are good enough.” I felt kind of ridiculous staring and yelling at myself in the mirror. But, maybe soon enough these affirmations might work...

Hi, I'm Kayla. I'm 16 and 5' 4", yet I weigh 200 pounds... I actually have always been fine with being a little chubbier. No one really even mentioned it. Everyone was cool with it and it was really easy for me to make friends. But, going into high school... it was a whole different story. 

Vanessa. A typical mean girl. Preyed on people who had no drama with her at all, just people who looked different from her. They didn't even need to be ugly, they just had to not be her.

"Hey fattie," Vanessa shouted loud enough for everyone to hear. That's what pulled me out of my thoughts. A slam of a locker and cruel words. Everyone around us were already laughing and some people just looked away.

    "Just leave me alone Vanessa, I'm not in the mood," I said exhaustedly trying to move my way past her. She just laughed. 

    "Awww, are you gonna cry already? You usually hold in there a little longer babes," she says before wiping away my tear and slapping me lightly. I grab her hand harshly and move it off of me.

    "Do. Not. Touch. Me," I yelled. "If you touch me again, you *will* regret it, I promise you." She just looked at me before chuckling. She put her hands up in defeat and backed away.

    "This time tomorrow fattie?" she said as she walked away laughing with her friends. I clenched my fist and started walking behind her but I stopped myself. I brushed myself off and just walked the other direction.

    Why does this always happen to me... why can't people just accept the way that I look. I used to think that I was beautiful, but am I not? I know I don't look like those girls in the magazines but I have always thought that, I'm beautiful. Vanessa is skinny, she doesn't even wear makeup. She is naturally beautiful, to everyone. I just, I want to look like her....

    Okay, time to do this again. I look at the mirror straight into my own eyes. "You are good enough, Kayla. You are beautiful and no one can tell you otherwise," I shouted. I smiled a bit, it feels nice to compliment myself even if I don't believe it right now.

Day after day. "You are beautiful, Kayla." Everyday, I start believing it more and more, little by little. But everyday it gets harder and harder after getting beaten down by the people around me. Even people who are supposed to be my friends, they just follow what everyone else is doing. That's how it is in high school, popularity over friendship. I try my best to be nice to everyone, I try to make them see my personality and love me for that. But now, everyone cares about if you are pretty or not. And the one true friend I thought I had, only hung out with me because in comparison to me she looks pretty... I'm so tired of being used, I'm tired of all of this. I want to be loved, even just by myself. Affirmations in the mirror isn't enough, I just wish I could be someone else. I wish I could be anyone else. It's too hard to love myself the way I am.. because I know, I'm not beautiful. I abruptly get bumped onto the ground. Suddenly a hand is reaching out to help me up, I hesitate and decide to get up on my own. I know this guy isn't going to be able to hold me.

    "I'm so sorry, I wasn't paying attention," a guy says while brushing himself off. "I'm Connor," he says as he extends his hand out. I take it slowly noticing how big my hand is compared to his. He doesn't seem to notice. "I'm new here actually, do you think you could show me where Mrs. Lee's class is?" he asks as he looks me up and down and smiles. I feel a little nervous under his gaze, it feels like he is staring into my soul. 

    "Uh- yeah sure..." I awkwardly reply. I mentally facepalm. I signal for him to follow me with my hand. I look at it and swiftly put it down and look at the floor awkwardly. 

    "What's wrong?" he asks worriedly. I just shake my head and walks quicker. "Hey!" he shouts as he grabs my hand. "Are you okay?" he asks concerned as he brushes my hair out of my face. 

    "Why do you care," I remark angrily. He looks at me and I just look at him. "I'm sorry, I just am a little insecure right now," I say looking at the ground. He pulls me into an empty classroom. I start to tear up. "The people at this school are mean, they treat you badly if you're different. I have been chubby all of my life, I have slow metabolism. I have tried dieting, working out, even those supplement things and nothing works. I constantly get made fun of, I get bullied and pushed around all because of something I can't even control," I cry. I start sobbing as he hugs me. 

    "I know I just met you, but to me you're just like any other person. I think you are perfect the way you are, just because you are bigger, it doesn't change anything. I personally think you are gorgeous, all of you is gorgeous," he whispers as he pulls me in tighter. His arms can't wrap all the way around me but for once I don't even mind. He smiles at me as he pulls away. "I'm guessing we missed class," he remarks and we laugh. 

    A few months later, Connor asked me out. I obviously said yes. He looked in the mirror with me. "You are beautiful, Kayla," I shout and he shouts the same thing after me. I guess I was right. These affirmations do work after all.