It Should Have Been Said

It should have been said

I’m not sure anyone will completely understand why you did what you did. Many people probably think you quite awful but you made a mistake and sadly paid for it for the rest of your life, thus far. You should have just said it …..’I have a boyfriend’. You wouldn’t be a forty something spinster now. You probably now realise that what you had was enough.

Ok then I’ll go back to the beginning of the story. It must be nearly twenty years since that day. It was the day and the following weeks, that changed your life.

It was June, and one of those warmish summer days when the sun shone high up in the sky but you still carried a light cardigan with you for when the sun disappeared behind a cloud and the breeze sharpened and chilled you slightly.

The streets were quite busy and all along the paths people were enjoying the sunshine with their children. Dotted about were brightly coloured outfits – with some people wearing hats to protect them from the sun. I noticed that you didn’t wear a hat and as the sun danced on your dark hair it shone like a raven’s feathers. You bobbed up and down as you walked on your tiptoes, light and happy, seemingly without a care in the world.

As you approached the corner a young man walked up to you and put his arm around you, drawing you close and kissing the top of your hair. “Hello my beautiful little bunny” he said into your ear. That was his nickname for you. It had been ‘Bunny’ since Primary School. There were two reasons for this. The first being that you always wore two very high pig-tails in your hair and they looked like rabbit ears and the other one was because you always seemed to bob up and down when you walked – just as you still do. “Hello” you replied and accepted his kiss. “Shall we eat at the café on the corner or go to the Italian restaurant and sit in? It’s up to you Frank”.

“Umm well I haven’t got much cash left until my pay goes into my bank account later today so why don’t we grab a sandwich at the café. I actually thought about making my own sandwiches again this morning. I’ve just got lazy. And it does save quite a bit of money.

Frank took your hand and rubbed it gently. “I’ve missed you so much” he said looking at you with those doleful brown eyes of his. “But Frank I only saw you last night, and the night before that, and the night before that….”

“You make it sound quite boring when you put it like that. Is it boring to you seeing me nearly every night?

You hesitated ever so slightly before answering but I’m sure Frank thought you were just being silly and playful as you answered, “Of course I don’t find it boring. I know that one day you will earn enough money so that we can actually go out somewhere!  You saw the hurt look on his face out of the corner of your eye. But don’t worry Frank we can make sure we have a spare room in our house to use so we only see each other every second night.”. Then you reached out to pat his arm as if to make it all better!

Eating your lunch together in the park, you chatted aimlessly about his work, your work, the weather, the dog running around in circles near you and what you would do together at the weekend. Frank was explaining to you that even though he was getting paid today he needed most of what was left of his money after rent came out, to pay for his car. He’d already left it in there for an extra two weeks until he had enough and could only do that because one of the mechanics at the garage went out with his sister. “I don’t know how you can run out of money so quickly each week” you said sounding irritated. “Well” he began “You know I put a small amount of money aside each pay for when we get married and buy a house. I’ll never touch that money”. I could tell that you were bored and that the whole story about Frank’s car, and his lack of funds was annoying you, so I wasn’t surprised when you said suddenly “Oh I’ve just remembered that Lynn on reception needs to have an early lunch as she has to pick something up. I said I would come back a bit earlier. Sorry Frank but I’ll have to go”.

“What time shall I pick you up tonight then? I’ll have the car. We could go for a drive and park down near the beach and count the stars. It should be a beautiful clear night again.

“I’ll let you know. I might have to babysit for my cousin. She asked me this morning”. you lied.

“What is wrong with me? Frank is the sweetest man alive. He adores me and is so kind. But I feel bored. Am I being selfish or not? I really don’t know?”

I could sense your frustration as you walked back to the office and sat at your desk pondering. Meanwhile Lynn still had fifteen minutes to go on reception until her lunchbreak and certainly didn’t have to go anywhere to pick anything up.

At 4pm you rang Frank’s office phone and told him that you did have to babysit and therefore couldn’t see him tonight. A look of relief swept over your face and it made me think of a little bird seeing the cage door was open, and flying away.

Just to go home and know that you had the entire evening to yourself was a luxury and you made the most of it. A toasted sandwich for dinner, a long and luxurious bath followed by a movie on tv whilst in your pyjamas at 7pm, was heaven! No pretence, no listening to conversation that you found boring, just you and your own free spirit.

After a very sound and deep sleep you felt refreshed in the morning - perhaps you had just needed a good night’s sleep and an evening to yourself.

“I feel quite liberated” you thought to yourself as you ordered tea and toast from the little café not far from where you worked. If Frank thought I was buying toast when I could be making it and saving money he wouldn’t think it was justified!” And with that thought you tucked into your toast and Jam. It was quite busy in the café and the tables were filling up quickly. There was bustle of people wanting to enjoy their Friday, the last day of their working week for most of them.

As you raised your cup up to drink your tea someone tried to squeeze past and accidentally bumped your elbow. Staring down at you was a very handsome, in your eyes, middle aged man. “Oh I’m terribly sorry. I’ve spilt your last mouthful of tea. Did it get on your clothing? Can I buy you another cup? Actually, would it be alright if I sat down here at your table? It’s pretty full in here and I can’t see a spare seat. Of course you could be waiting for someone, and in that case I shall sit outside on the wall.” He finished.

“No I’m not waiting for anyone and I would love another cup of tea thank you”.

The man went up to the counter to order and you sat watching him. He was very good looking and smartly dressed you thought, wondering if he was single or had a beautiful wife waiting at home in a magnificent house for his return at the end of the day. The thought that you had a serious relationship with Frank never crossed your mind as you returned his smile when he sat down opposite you.

“I’m Charles by the way” he said as he offered you his hand, and you noticed that he had very well-manicured finger nails and no ring on his finger.

“Jo-anne, but I get called Josie” you replied as you shook hands.

He was very easy to talk to and before long Charles had finished his croissant and tea and you your second cuppa. “Well I must be getting along. I wouldn’t want to be late for work or there’ll be trouble” you laughed and stood up to leave.

“Josie, I was wondering if you would like to have dinner with me tonight if you are free. It is very presumptuous of me to assume you would be available – so I take it there isn’t a boyfriend or a husband waiting to punch me in the nose if I take you out?”

That was your chance to speak up. That moment was when you should have told Charles that you had a boyfriend, who loved you dearly and thought that you loved him. A boyfriend who was trying hard to save money for a wedding one day and who had told you he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. But you didn’t. Instead you replied…. “Oh I would love to. Not presumptuous at all and I am totally available for dinner.

Of course it didn’t stop at dinner. You both went back to your flat and Charles stayed the night. That was your choice. He of course told you that he was divorced with no children and only here on business for a few days. And you of course believed him.

Frank rang you at work four times the next morning but each time you gave an excuse as to why you couldn’t talk. It was all lies. You said how busy you were, so busy, how you had a headache and the talking made it worse, how the boss was on a mission to stop private phone calls at work, and on it went. Frank wanted to see you at lunch time so you gave in and agreed. He tried to kiss you when you saw each other but you turned your head and all he got was to kiss your ear. “Is there something wrong Josie? You just don’t seem yourself. Is it something I’ve said or done?” You felt like telling Frank about meeting Charles and how life now seemed exciting and fun, but you didn’t. “This might cheer you up Josie. I’ve got some great news. Well actually two things ….the first is that I’m getting a pay rise and then the best thing is my cousin Rachel who owns that really nice place a few miles further out of town, is willing to sell it to me at “Mate’s rates. So with the pay rise and the savings I have, we will be able to buy it by the time we are married”. You looked at Frank’s excited face and felt nothing. “Come here Josie and give me a hug. I love you so much and can’t wait ‘til we’re a couple – an old married couple”

“Frank” Josie began “I think we need a break for a little while. Not for good but just until I get my head together. I’m feeling rather frazzled with work and just need to have time to myself. I hope you can understand Frank…”

He looked shocked. The colour had drained from his face and he stared at Josie as if he had misunderstood what she had said. “Are you saying we are splitting up? He stammered.

“Well we’ll see how we both feel after a few weeks and then decide what we would both like to do”.

“But Josie” he pleased, “We’re supposed to be buying the house together. I don’t understand. What’s changed between us? Please don’t do this. I love you and I know you love me. Don’t you?”

“Let’s just see how it goes Frank. I really don’t want to hurt you.”

I saw as you turned and walked away from him that he was wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

Your relationship with Charles continued as you realised that life could be exciting and full of fun. Falling in love with Charles was a natural progression and although it had only been 6 weeks you knew that he was all you wanted.

“Josie, you knew from the beginning that I would be leaving after my business was finished here. I have to go back home” Charles told her one evening after wining and dining.

You couldn’t believe what you had heard. The idea that Charles would be gone out of your life in a few days made you feel physically sick. Your head began to throb and you just wanted to lie down. ‘This can’t be happening” you said to yourself, looking at Charles. You were silently begging him to change his mind when you asked “When will you be back again” while praying that your welling tears wouldn’t spill over and roll down your cheeks.

“I won’t. My time here has finished. I go somewhere else now”

“But what about me, us, what we have together?” you asked, feeling the happiness and joy you felt earlier slowly draining away.

“Josie, there’s no ‘us’. We had fun. We were good together and I really like you but I have another life back home. I never promised you anything. It was your decision and no one forced you to do anything so don’t look so glum. Come over here and give me a goodbye kiss. You never know, I could come back here one day”.

You could feel yourself shaking all over and your ashen face portrayed the disbelief that you felt inside. “Just go Charles” was all you could manage. As he walked off without even a backward glance you shut the door.

You lived the next few weeks as if there was a cloud all around you and fog inside your head.

You worked, came home, ate and slept, doing it all again the next day.

When you thought of Frank and the way you had treated him regret flooded your heart, but you knew it was too late. You had really hurt him. You never got in touch after a couple of weeks like you said you would and you pictured Frank now, broken hearted and sad.

You could have been content with what you had but the grass looked greener….. And now you have no-one.

When I see you as a single woman in your early forties, no children and no partner, I actually feel sorry for you.