How Not to Leave Him Behind

I never told him how much the Gulf of Mexico reminded me of his brilliant blue eyes. I would stand there on the edge of the white sand and stare out into the vast gulf wondering what he would say about my thoughts. Would he agree?

           The love that accumulated in my heart for that boy was more than enough to drown me when I realized I would never see him again. My insides were heavy every mile I drove away, only to completely fall apart the second I reached my destination in Clearwater Beach.

           When we first met back in freshman year of high school, I would have never imagined how big of an impact he would eventually make on my life. We had a special connection. It was the kind of connection that is inexplicable. We would look into each other’s eyes, and we would understand each other. I have yet to meet anyone else who saw me like that.

           Looking back, I had so many opportunities to say something. But I kept quiet. I thought I had all the time in the world to confess the truth behind my lingering stares. I didn’t know that one day I would have to leave him and everything else I came to know behind. I didn’t know that there would be a last day for us.

           On the last day of sophomore year, we ran to our spot on the wooden stairs by the softball field. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I was moving 1,500 miles away. And I didn’t have the courage to tell him that he was the life in my veins. We sat there for three hours talking about the future. We talked about a future that I knew would never happen, but I sat there imagining how our lives would turn out if we realized that we shared a type of love most live their whole lives without knowing. In those three hours, he did not mention love, but I could see it burning in his smile. But I kept quiet.

           That was the last time I saw him in person. Three years have gone by, and I can still smell his rustic cologne. He’s like a song that gets stuck in your head, and no matter how many times you play it out, it never goes away. I cannot form an opinion about anything without thinking about what opinion he would form. And I cannot be happy without imagining his laugh or his smile matching mine in unison like the “good old days.”

           I started going to a new school junior year of high school. I remember walking down the unfamiliar halls of that unknown building. Those hallways were untouched by him, and when I reminded myself of that fact, long spells of loneliness caught in my chest and fixated pressure on my heart until I couldn’t breathe. If he was the life in my veins, being away from him was draining me day by day.

           Then, I met this boy. He had brown eyes, and nothing about him reminded me of the boy from my past. He was kind, smart, and for a minute it seemed like I was over the classic boy with the blue eyes. But, one day, I looked into those brown eyes, and more than anything I wished they were blue. I couldn’t love the boy with the brown eyes because the boy with the blue eyes consumed every inch of my being and there was no room for anyone else. I didn’t want to make room for anyone else.

           I told the brown-eyed boy that he was not the one, and he cried. But I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t cry because my heart did not belong to him.

           It eventually became easier. I would go weeks without thinking about him. Whenever I felt like encompassing myself in thoughts of him, I would take a drive down to the Gulf of Mexico, and I would gaze out over the horizon. For some reason, I felt him there. I knew that he had long since forgotten about me, but on that patch of glittering sand, I can remember him so vividly. While I don’t feel like breaking down anymore, I cannot let go of his memory. It’s a part of me. Letting go of him would mean losing the most vital part of my being. Because of him, I learned all the positive things about myself, and more than anything I hope he feels better about himself because of me.

           I will never let go of our late-night phone calls, paragraph texts, and the hugs he gave me after we aced our exams. I will never forget our stolen glances across the room and how we were so close to having our chance. Coming back to the gulf every once in a while keeps the moments alive in my mind. Feeling the salty air and observing the striking blue wash up against the shore keeps him close. I may have never kissed him, but believe me, the love I have for him outshines every single boy I have kissed since leaving him.

           The days go by slowly now, yet nothing is terribly out of place. I have moved on with my life and doing all the things I once dreamed of doing. If he were here right now, we would talk about how much we have changed and about how we had the courage to follow our dreams. It would make every deep conversation we had back then about our apprehensions about the future much more meaningful as they helped us move forward.

           I heard from a friend that he’s doing well. When she mentioned his name, I realized no one has said his name to me out loud in these three years. It felt like my stomach turned inside-out, but I managed to keep my face straight.

           There were many things I kept secret from him. The boy with the blue eyes who I had to leave behind still has my heart and my love, and the one thing I kept a secret from him was the simple fact that I was madly in love with him.