Just One of the Boys

It is a slow walk up to the batter's box, the last out of the little league game, unless Shane can make something happen.  Waiting for the umpire to sweep the plate clean, he sees his teammates packing up, they don’t expect much. Shane longs to prove them wrong, to show that he deserves to be part of the team.  He takes two practice swings and then tries to find the balance in his batting stance, his weight back, his front leg cocked, ready to step into the swing.  He feels his new cleats bite into the soft dirt and rocks a little bit to make sure they stick. He can prove to everyone he is enough of a boy to be on the team.

The blue sky stretches out to the horizon over the park, and a late afternoon breeze ruffles the grass starting to grow into the dirt infield. His slight, slender frame is lost in the jersey and pants. He twists his grip tight on the leather handle of the aluminum bat. The noises of the game dim, his attention on the boy on the mound.  If only he could get a hit!  His legs quiver slightly in anxiety. Shane says his mantra Ryan taught him, see the ball, and follow through.

The pitcher is in a stretch position, and looks over his shoulder, and then into his wind up. See the ball, and-   the ball is coming right at him! He dives back to avoid getting hit.

Thwok!  

“ Strike one”

 He steps out of the box and looks at the pitcher.  He has to be over 6 feet tall,  how can he be 12?  Fear of failure courses through him. He should not be here, he can’t hit a pitch thrown that hard.  Down the third base line, the 3rd base coach is giving hand signals.  Shane looks down at the coach, but the meaning of the signs jumble in his mind, he is too nervous to pay attention. He nods and steps his right foot in the back of the box, looks out at the two base runners, one on first and one on second, then at the fans lining the foul lines.  

Shane knows everyone in the park is watching him, most know him by his old name.  Being the center of attention is hard any day, but today especially, when he is being judged on who he is.

The noises of the game become louder interrupting his thoughts. The shortstop on the other team has his hand raised, two fingers up, “Any base,” he yells.  The opponent’s dugout is chanting,  “Hey batter batter, hey batter batter, Sa-wing batter!”

“Easy out, easy out!” from the first baseman.  Shane looks over at him, he is a big, red face boy, with a mean grin.  Shane knows to be wary of that type. 

He steps his left foot in the box and gets in the batting stance he has been practicing everyday this month.  

The pitcher leans over, gets into his set position and then looks at the runner on second base.  

Shane can not get his legs to stop shaking.  He needs to focus, see the ball.  What if he strikes out? He will be laughed at, probably kicked off the team.  The pitcher goes into his motion and throws.   Not seeing the ball, Shane swings, awkwardly. 

 Thwok,  into the catcher's mitt. 

“Strike two “

 The sound of his shame is the other team's cheers.  

The first baseman yells out, ”She missed it by a mile, swings like a girl!”

 The other team breaks into laughter. 

“Throw the heater, Billy!” 

From the dugout Shane hears a familiar voice. 

“Shane, come on Bro! - you got this!  Just make contact!”  Ryan yells. 

One more strike. He is not good enough to be here, only on the team because of his brother. Ryan is the star center fielder, pitcher and best hitter. Younger than Shane by 12 months, Ryan’s life has always been easy, everyone wants to be his friend,  first pick for every sport. Too energetic to sit still for class, all the teachers love him because of it. Ryan talked to the coach, after encouragement from Mom, and Shane was brought on the team to help him fit in through the transition.  Without Ryan’s aura of protection his life would be a lot worse. It is bad enough already.

Shane is built for books, not sports. So far his limited baseball career has been as a pinch runner. Ryan has worked with him, showing him how to use the inside foot when running the bases, and to keep his hands up when he slides. But even with the testosterone he is taking, and exercises, his shoulders and arms are not as strong as other boys.  

Coach brought Shane in during the last inning to play first, and did not expect he would have to hit.  But, the inning has gone well, a couple of  lucky singles and two errors has made it close. 

Shane looks out at the short, yellow-topped fence in the outfield and imagines the feeling of a walk-off home run to win the game.  Down by two, with two men on, two outs, two strikes- a home run and he would be treated like a hero, carried off the field on his teammates shoulders! The fulfillment of his wildest dreams, proving he is just as good as any boy.

As if Shane has ever, could ever, hit a home run. It is all on him, and he is the worst player on the team.

He steps out of the batter box again.  More indecipherable signs from the 3rd base coach.  The grip of the thin bat handle feels good in Shane's hands.  This is the bat Ryan picked out for him, light and small for a quick swing.

Shane gets back in the box. The too-big batting helmet wobbles a bit on his head. Sweat drips down his back. He can't remember his mantra. It doesn't matter, he is going to swing as hard as he can. Pulling back his bat back even further, ready for the pitch, and then-

The pitcher spins and throws to second to pick off the runner, and the throw is wild! The ball goes into the outfield. 

The third base coach’s arm is a windmill, sending the runner home. 

Shane steps back, and is right behind the umpire when the throw is late, and Jimmy scores! 

Shane screams in excitement,  has his arms out to hug Jimmy, before he remembers Jimmy will not even talk to him. He drops his hands.  Jimmy threatened to quit the team when Shane joined. 

Jimmy stops in front of Shane,  grins, then lifts him up in a bear hug!  Shane might as well have scored the run himself;  lighting streaks of joy shoot through his body. And then he is back down and Jimmy looks him in the eye, 

“You got to get on base, Shane. You know you can't hit, take the walk!  Your brother is up next- we’re going to win this!  Just get on base! “ Jimmy slaps Shane on the butt and runs back to the dugout to wild cheers. 

Thrilled, Shane re-focuses on his new directive. 

He steps back in the box and looks back up at the pitcher, the count is 0-2.   All he has to do is not swing for four pitches, and hope the pitcher doesn't throw even one strike. The plan does not make sense, but Jimmy talked to him!

The pitcher is back in the stretch position and throws it hard.  Shane closed his eyes, so only felt the wind as it rushed inches from his forehead.

“Ball”

Shane opens his eyes and looks out at the pitcher. He looks rattled, kicking the rubber, and stomping.  

“You got this Pitcher! Just get it over the plate! “ He hears from the opponents dugout.  

“That -girl- cant hit! She had her eyes closed! “

Shane looked up at that one, it was the first baseman. Screw him.

But, he should probably look like he is going to hit the ball.

He gets back in the batter's box and tightens his grip on the bat.  He puts a little swagger on the bat, to make it look like he was going to swing.

Shane keeps his eyes open as the pitcher rears back from his stretch, and throws it in, hard and fast. He sees it!  And he knows it is low and wide.  

“Ball”

He wasn't scared that time, he saw the ball, and his instinct was right, it was outside!  Shane’s confidence is growing. 

 2-2 count, he only needs to take two more balls, or, he can swing, and get a hit. 

The pitcher is in his wind up again, Shane vows to keep his eyes open, and sees the ball go wide and low.  

“ Ball three”

 3-2 count!   Shane steps out of the box. This is it! Shane glances back at the dugout and sees his brother Ryan. 

“You can do this Shane! You can get a hit- you got this! 

Shane sees the rest of the team shouting his name too. 

If he can get on base!  A walk, or a hit! Shane would fit in with the rest of the guys. This is what he has wanted his whole life,  just to fit in. It has been so hard to be just one of the boys, when he was born in the wrong body. 

He knew since he knew anything, that he was a boy, and was so confused about how he was in this soft girl's body. It took a while to talk about it, and even longer to convince his family.   He has been Shane for 9 months now and this is the closest he has been to fitting in, well, ever.  He can't let his team down. Shane imagines the feeling of connecting with a solid hit on the ball and watching it go, flying over the short fence in right field.  He commits to take an active role in this chance for glory.

He is going to see the ball, and follow through.

 He steps back in the batter box. He can be the hero.  

The pitcher goes into his stretch one more time, and then throws.

 Every instinct Shane has says this pitch is right down the middle. Shane swings with all his might and connects!  He takes a few steps toward first base, and then the ball heads foul, outside the first base line.

“Straighten it out Shane!” He hears Ryan, and then the whole dugout is calling his name, 

“Shane, Shane, Shane! “ 

He picks up his bat, and gets back in the box.  All his emotions build inside of himself, he is shooting sparks from his fingertips, and can not feel the ground.   Rarely has his new name been spoken, never yelled, and now they are cheering for him!  One more time, His hand twists on the handle of the aluminum bat, it waves slightly behind him, the tail of a cat ready to pounce.

The crowd is going wild, the players are cheering, and the pitcher rears back, and throws-

Shane sees the ball, oh, it is hanging in the air-

He swings and connects, in play!

Shocked at first, it takes a moment before he remembers to run. 

 He hit the ball!  

The hard grounder goes right to the first baseman, he picks it up, steps on the bag, and starts running to the dugout. 

The game is over, they lost. 

Shane doesn't even make it to the base.  He does not want to turn around to go back to the dugout, because he knows what is going to happen. The ‘girl’ lost the game, could not get a hit.  

He wants to run off into the street alongside the park and just keep going, away from this failure.  But he hears Ryan calling his name, so he finally turns around and jogs back, legs full of lead and disgust at himself. 

He joins his teammates in a loose circle around the Coach. 

“You guys played a great game, that team has the best record in our league and we should have been blown out!” Coach says.

“ And we need to talk about-  where is he? “ He looks around.

“ Shane!”

He moves from behind the Coach where he was hiding. Here it comes.

“Shane!  You get the game ball!  You took the best pitcher in our league to a 3-2 count, made him work, and then got your bat on the ball!  You are a ball player Shane! “Coach grins, and hands Shane a dusty, torn baseball. 

Joy and connection overwhelm him, and he doesn't know what to say. He holds the ball in two hands like the priceless jewel it is. 

He looks over at his brother, the only person who can understand how this makes him feel, and hopes Ryan knows the right thing to say.  He does.

“Let's go for ice cream!"

Everyone throws their mitts in the air and the loss has now turned into a win.  The team yells and screams, and Shane does too. 

Just one of the boys.