Kamikaze

Kamikaze

I never believed in destiny or a greater purpose until I met Palmer. She possessed this… fire inside of her that I lost after Robbie died. I had lost the passion in my life– and in Jericho a life without fire, drive, or passion– it’s not quite worth living. Palmer changed that. She changed me. She was the first one I opened up to about Robbie’s death, about the tumor, and… all of the baggage that came with that. 

When I told her about the life-sentence they gave me… that my time was limited, she didn’t run like the others. Like Judy or River, no. She sat down with me as dusk fell on the outskirts of Jericho, and she waited for every piece of information fell out of me in waves of relief I forgot I could experience. She took this burden that was killing me faster than the tumor was and harnessed it into her passion and drive. 

I remember she shook my knee and said, ‘Well why the hell are you just sitting there? We’ve got a doctor to track down!’ As if finding this elusive neurosurgeon I’d spent week’s tracking down was the easiest job she’s ever had. That was another thing–she not once treated me like a job. Like my tumor was this task that could be completed or ignored, a side-quest in a videogame. No, she saw me as the main mission, all of a sudden it was her sole purpose. She asked around, tracked down any and every lead she could get her hands on. She even went out of her way to bribe the information from people. 

I guess knowing all of that and what she’s done to save me, I shouldn’t be surprised that we’ve ended up here of all places. 

The bright, sterile, fluorescent lights nearly outbox the tumor-caused headache. Palmer is a saint, though–or as much of one as I’m ever going to get–because she turns the ceiling light off for me. It’s still cumbersome, the other light in my eyes as I wait for this surgeon to come in and dig ‘round in my brain, but Palmer helped.

“Hey, don’t get all zoned-out on me yet. Doc’ isn't here to tell me it’s normal.” she jokes beside me. Despite her tone, I can tell she’s worn out- tired. Who wouldn’t be, trying to help me with all of my shit like this… jesus. 

My eyelids feel… heavy. No matter how hard I’m trying, they won’t stay awake. Like I’ve been running on fumes for days. I guess that’s not too far from the truth, though. We’ve been driving nearly twenty-five hours straight from Jericho just to get here. 

“Easy, Axel, you can’t pass out on me yet.” Of course Palmer’s voice pulls me back to reality. Go figure.

“Mmh.” My mouth feels dry. How long have I been sitting in this chair again? “You ever gonna accept you just can’t save me, my knight in shining leather?” My voice sounds… raspy. Drier than my mouth feels.

Palmer brings a bottle of water to my lips and helps me drink. “Save it, smartass. You know you like my ass in leather anyway.”

“Ooh, you’ve got me there. But it’s a bit more clothes than I’d like.” 

“Is that so? Hm, I guess you’ll just have to survive the Doc’ then if you want me to grand your make-a-wish.” Normally I can tell when she’s not being serious, but right now… not a single part of me knows if she’s telling the truth or not. My speechlessness bites me in the ass, though, and a shit-eating smirk spreads across Palmer’s face. “You really want that, don’t you?” She chides, pushing my leg gently and resuming her spot beside me in.. a very uncomfortable-looking chair. Jesus, P. I’m not worth all of this effort.

“Well, ideally what I want is to not have a tumor inside my head leading a military attach on my psyche, but I’ll take whatever I can get to make my last few weeks as memorable as possible,” I smirk. 

The door to our right whooshes open, we’re both finally greeted with the familiar face of the one only Kaius Jade. The best neurosurgeon on the west coast and- “Oh, my savior has arrived!” I throw my arms out to the side, nearly disconnecting the nodes in place to monitor my vitals (oops). Kaius looks less than pleased but clearly hiding a grin. 

“Shut your mouth already. Seriously, Pan, how do you deal with this shithead all the time? I could hardly stand him growing up.” Kaius snorts, offering P a sympathetic look for having to accompany me.

She shrugs, putting on her best stoic face. “It’s a tough job, but I gotta do what I gotta do to keep the bastard alive. ‘Else I’ll have Robbie haunting me from the grave for not keeping his buddy alive and well.”

“Fuck off, both of you! I’m right here!” They both start laughing. Honestly I can’t help it either. Both of their laughs are contagious and it takes several minutes for things to calm down again. 

Kaius walks over, Palmer moves towards the couch a bit farther away to give us space. “In all seriousness-” he pulls out his holo-tab to check my vitals. 

“Oh no, you’re telling me it’s terminal?” Palmer side-eyes me for the joke. Poor taste. 

“Axel-”

“I know, Kai, I know. Tumor is breakin’ down my psyche like it’s a clump of cancer cells, I’ve only got a handful of weeks- maybe even days left. I get what’s going on, I don’t need the talk. Will you please just tell me if you can fix it?”

Kaius sighs, glances between a worried Palmer and I, then flips through pages on his holo-tab. “It looks like your omega-blockers are helping. Reduced visions, hallucinations, but you’re coughing up blood… your other systems are failing more rapidly now, you’re feeling lethargic, correct?” I nod. He tsks and types a few things in the chart he has pulled up. Several minutes pass with Palmer and I anxiously looking between each other and Kaius. This was our *one* shot. 

“Listen, Axel… I can try to derail the tumor so-to-speak. It can’t be removed completely, but I can buy you more time, hopefully. I’d just need to avoid the nerves it’s already damaged, put it in its own cage in other words.” He pulls his glasses off and pinches the bridge of his nose. 

Palmer looks anxious. “How long will that buy him, Kai?”

Kaius looks down at the files. 

“Kaius… how long does it give me?” My voice shakes, suddenly I’m afraid of death all over again.

“It would give you six weeks. But it would be your only option. Once I cage the tumor in… there will be no other possible way to save you. You can walk out without me operating, but you don’t know how long that free-range psyche-killer will live in that skull of yours without taking you down. You’ll deteriorate, slowly, painfully.”

“...and if you operate? What’ll my last weeks look like then?”

“Your memory won’t fade, it should be painless. No headaches, no coughing blood, no organ failure. When your body is asleep, and the defences inside are down, it’ll break free and eat away at the rest of your mind and then your body. You won’t feel a thing.”

The room is… silent. Kaius stares blankly at his notes, Palmer looks… borderline horrified, and I just feel… relieved. 

I look at Kaius. “Do it.”

“What?” She asks, stunned. “Axel, we can find another-”

“No, you heard Kai. This… this is the better option. We have a clock on when I’ll go, there’s no missing variables, I won’t have to… feel that pain again. Losing my mind, I don’t want to experience it. This would take all of the pain away and it would give us a few more weeks together.”

Palmer sighs, “okay, it’s your tumor. We’ll do the operation.”

Kaius nods and grabs one of the needles from his supply tray. “Small pinch.” He slowly injects the anesthesia into my system. “Okay, Axel. I’ll see you on the other side.”

“Ax…? Ax…? Can you hear me…?”

“Mmmh… ‘s too fuckin’ early for this…” I can hear Palmer trying to grab my attention, and for the first time… there’s no headache. “Did he…?” I ask the unfinished question, sitting up slowly as she comes into focus beside me. She must’ve slept in that chair waiting for me to wake up… I’ll get us a nice bed in a nice city soon, I promise. Pan.

Palmer grabs my arm gently, her thumb rubbing back and forth along the scars on my forearm. If only she knew where they had come from she’d know how… touching the gesture really is. “He did it, Axel. You’re holding stable, all of your vitals are… well I haven’t seen you holding up this good since we first met.”

“I hope you don’t mean that, ‘cause I felt like shit when you met.” I laugh, Palmer scowls but it doesn’t last. Within a couple of seconds she’s grinning at me all over again. The relief on her face… Jesus, it’s been a while since I’ve seen her this happy. Must’ve been when I helped her track down her brothers. “But… that’s good.”

The door whooshes open once more and Kaius walks in with the biggest grin I’ve ever seen plastered onto his face. “Well, I see you’re awake, that's good. Although I’m assuming it’s Miss Palmer’s doing? She was trying to get your unconscious attention for quite some time.” Palmer looks offended but ultimately seems to accept it. Explains a lot, if she was talking to me that whole time I was unconscious.

“So that’s why I had a dream she was feeding me grapes?” I smirk, watching the smallest bit of red dust settle on her cheekbones. She looks cute blushing. 

Kaius just rolls his eyes. He takes a seat near his computer, facing me. “You’ll be okay to leave the city by tonight if you’d like, but take these.” He passes Palmer a bottle of pills. 

I snort, “you givin’ me more candy, Doc?”

“More like vitamins to keep the slight mania at bay,” he explains. Palmer looks the bottle over and then hands it to me. It just looks like regular vitamins. Wait. 

“Mania? I thought you said blocking off the tumor would keep it all under wraps and it’d just take me in my sleep?” There shouldn’t be any mania, I thought. 

Kaius shakes his head, resting his elbows on his desk and leaning towards us. “No, it’ll take you in your sleep peacefully, in several weeks’ time. But because this tumor is blocked away inside your brain, you won’t feel many physical effects-”

“-That was kind of the point, Kaius.”

He sighs. “You won’t feel many physical effects, but it’ll still take a mental toll on you. Would I be correct to say you haven’t been sleeping much the last few weeks, trying to chase me down, find answers on how to stop this? The impending doom of the tumor, so to speak, has triggered insomnia in your body whether or not you realize it. This medication, these… vitamins, they’ll help stop that. You’ll get a good night’s rest, feel rested. You won’t waste away before your time is up. If you don’t take these,” he points towards the bottle, “the mania caused by the residual effects of the tumor on your brain will make you lethargic, even more so than you have been. It’ll wear down your body until you can’t move, can’t function; until it turns you into a vegetable, and then the tumor will finish you off.”

Fuck. Palmer clears her throat and wrings her hands together in her lap. “If he takes the pills, he’ll live peacefully for the last few weeks, right?” Kaius nods. Palmer turns to me. Shit. “You will take every one of those pills even if I have to shove them down your throat while you’re asleep. Is that understood? You don’t get to leave me early.”

I laugh a little nervously, nodding. “Yes, ma’am. Pills, quiet, no stress. Sounds like I’ll have to leave you behind.” Panam whacks my arm lightly causing us both to laugh. 

“Let me know if you get sick of each other,” Kaius jokes, “spending the next few weeks together, whatever you end up doing, is bound to drive you crazy at least a little bit.” 

Boy, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. 

We packed up that night, westbound for the coast. The breeze blows through the car with the windows rolled as far down as they can go. The city landscape drifts into bluffs and then the coastline within a few short hours. Desolate roads make it feel just that much more significant; the escape. Sure, she’s leaving her family back in Jericho, and I’m leaving… what little I’ve ever known. But at least with some luck I can spend my last few weeks here with Palmer. Quiet, peaceful, maybe even domestic if I have enough good karma on my side. 

The first morning I wake up on the beach is like a dream. It’s late in the afternoon, the breeze blowing through open windows because it’s not negative ten degrees like Jericho. The waves crash like white noise along the shoreline, seagulls caw softly in the distance like a beat I can’t quite make out. I open my eyes finally and there she is. Palmer. She’s probably still worried, ‘cause she’s awake in bed beside me but just… watching me. Like if she doesn’t keep an eye out I’m going to die right there. Honestly, I don’t blame her for being concerned. 

“Palmer,” I murmur, nearly inaudible even in the silence. Her head turns and she smiles at me. She’d been staring at the ceiling. 

“Hey, cupcake.” For once, I don’t scowl at her when she says it. She looks… calm, peaceful, but still has the little worry lines in the crease of her eyebrow that tell me she’s been thinking. 

I reach up to push my finger against the crease, smoothing it out. Palmer smiles. “You think too much.”

“I do now?”

“Yes.”

We’re both quiet for a long time, just laying beside each other. She holds my hand, her thumb pressed into the crease of my palm. “How are you feeling?” Palmer finally asks me. The question has probably been burning away at her for hours now, eating at her insides while she tried to give me some sleep.

“No headaches. Not dizzy. ‘You sleep at all? ‘Look tired,” I muse, inching my way closer.

“I tried, if that’s what you’re asking. You’ve been nearly dying every time you sleep, it’ll probably take me a while to adjust to the fact that I won’t lose you for a few weeks.” 

I resist the urge to tell her that she’ll lose me in my sleep anyway, but there’s no reason to worry her when we have over a month left. 

“I think… this is the first time we’ve been alone and weren’t on some kind of a job,” Palmer whispers. The excitement is clear as day in her voice. At least her mind isn’t on the tumor anymore. 

“You know,” I whisper, “I think you’re right, Palmer. Whatever should we do?” She rolls her eyes at my tone, but still giggles and leans in. Her eyes almost look closed, focused on what I can only guess is my own lips. 

“I’m not sure, Axel. You’ll have to think of something for us to do… you don’t want us to sit here bored or anything, do you?” Her mouth is just inches from mine. Whatever power possessed me to do this, I’m forever grateful. I lean in, my hand leaves hers to cup her face. I can hear her suck in a breath and I follow her lead, inhaling softly before finally kissing her. Immediately all I can think of is why the fuck did I wait so long to do this? Why did we wait?

“Should’ve done that the first night I met you,” Palmer breathes against my lips.

I chuckle softly between kisses. “Well I guess the feeling’s mutual then, sparkplug.”

“Really, Ax? Car nicknames? While I’m trying to kiss you?” She pulls back with a laugh, but doesn’t leave me for too long before we’re kissing again. 

“Oh you know I had to. Don’t you know that you can’t ever have a moment of peace around me?”

Palmer grins, “I should’ve known. You’re always a pain in my ass.”

I kiss her again. “And I will continue to do so until my last breath.”

Axel passed away eight weeks later, in his sleep, beside Palmer. She never took another lover, and mourned him for the rest of her days, living each day as he would’ve wanted her to.