Letters of lost and found

March 13th 1976

Holly, 

I am writing you to say happy birthday. It's been years since I've written you, I know, but I have lit a candle for you every year to celebrate your day of birth. I hope it is not too alarming to hear from me. I recently received your new address from your mother. She was quite proud of your move to Chicago. It's really all she could talk about over the New Year's dinner at my mom's house. 

I'm sure you heard that my father passed away recently. That's actually why I returned home for the holiday. I knew my mother would be lonely. I will admit that I was a bit disappointed that you did not attend with your mother, though it was nice to see your sister. Remember when we were younger, we thought that she would grow up to be a worm? These days she makes me look like a worm.  

Anyhow, I hope that you have a heaping slice of lemon cake for your special day, and that you celebrated it with someone who loves you. If you'd like to write back, I'd love to hear from you. You can direct the letters to the return address listed. I live in San Francisco now, by the ocean.  

Best Wishes. 

Robin 

Robin, 

I was so surprised to see your letter that I nearly shattered my mug! Fortunately, I only spilled a bit of coffee on the countertop but talk about a welcome morning call. Thank you for the birthday wishes. I can't believe that you remembered my love of lemon cake after all these years! It's funny what time erodes and what it calcifies in our brains. I did, in fact, have such a large slice it gave me a stomachache. 

I'm sorry about your father. My mom rang me with the news just before Christmas. I should have reached out to you then, I just didn't know if you wanted to hear from me considering how we left things... But why doddle in the past? That was years ago, and we are both grown now. I'm here for you. I know that your relationship with your father was complicated at best and just know that you are entitled to whatever feelings you are having on the matter.  

On a lighter note, while my sister no longer looks like a worm, she is still a worm in nature and function. My mother allowed her to grow vain since she was a "late bloomer" and it's all gone to her head... and chest.  

My mother was certainly NOT excited for my move at the time of me actually moving. Gosh, Robin, you should have seen her blubbering and weeping like I was personally climbing into my own coffin. I'm glad to see she's keen on using it for clout with the other ladies around town. I can't believe you live by the ocean. What is the weather like? Can you walk to the seaside? Is it everything you dreamed it would be? Have you found a nice sun kissed San Fransiscan to take you on picnics at the beach yet? Okay that last one is a bit of a jest, but honestly, catch me up.  

Eagerly awaiting your reply, 

Holly 

Holly,  

I suppose some things never change. I always knew in my gut, every day on your birthday, I knew that you had a terrible stomachache and an even worse grin.   

Thank you for your kind words about my father. I agree, we are grown now, and there is no reason to hold each other in contempt for teenage controversy. In truth, I feel strangely calm about the whole thing. I came in the day after the funeral and helped mom pack up his things- we donated what we could but really most of it was junk. I didn't want her to have to go through that alone. Then it was done, and we drank champagne, and I left. Back to my beautiful life near the ocean.  

Oh Holly, it is everything I ever dreamed of. When we would lay under that pecan tree and talk about what life would be I could really see it. When I told you about the palm trees rustling in a sweet warm breeze and a streetlamp that flickered down the block that led to a footpath that wound its way to the beach? Holly, I really live there. I wake up every morning to the smell of the sea and it is glorious. I spend every sunset on the beach and it's so peaceful out here. And quiet.  

To humor you, no, I have not found some San Fransiscan to whisk me away. I find that I am all together uninterested in dating when I have the sea. I take my books out there and just enjoy existing. Can you believe that? I used to beg for something, anything but my life and now it is so perfect I won't risk it for anyone. Still, it can get lonely. I left most of the friends I made in New Mexico behind for the coast.  

Lord, this is the longest letter known to man and I've just been going on about myself. Why did you move to Chicago? How has settling in been?  

Love, 

Robin 

Dear Robin,  

Speaking of some things never change! You always did have a way of babbling on about water. Really, I am so incredibly happy that you found that bliss you were always looking for. Who knew all you had to do was become a Cali girl.  

I always admired you for that- dreaming. And well, I don't know how much you know about life after you left that hole in the ground of a town, but there wasn't much to do around there except get married and have kids. So I got married.  

You remember Joshua from our grade? Well, turns out he has this secret brother Isaiah, who was a year older than us. He was wicked smart and graduated early.  Joshua invited me to his graduation party, and we met there and... well one thing led to another and a perfectly fine, smart man with a good job proposed. This would have been, oh, maybe a year or so after you left, and I thought to myself well why not. At least the party will be fun. 

But then came the kid part, and way too soon. His mom wanted us to all but conceive on our wedding night and I was still just a kid myself. Luckily Betsy Herman had taught me some tricks to make sure I wouldn't get pregnant. It worked for about a year but then his mom started pressuring us and then Joshua got engaged and the whole thing blew up into this race to have a child that I didn't even want. Then I was late.  

I nearly cried when I took that test. Finally, the badgering would end, and we could live a normal life. But then there would be this kid, too. It was all kinds of complicated, but I ended up losing the baby. And to tell you the truth, I was strangely calm about the whole thing too. Sure, I acted broken up about it and used it as a reason to not try for another one, but I knew that would only last so long. I spent that time getting my degree in accounting and applied to the highest paying position I found. 

So that's why I moved to Chicago. Isaiah and I are divorced. I told him I couldn't have children because of the miscarriage, and he just signed all the papers without any more conversation about it. I'm in a monthly "flat" until I decide if I like the city, but it feels like freedom. I guess you probably know what I mean.  

I've missed you a lot through all of this. I'm sorry I was young and dumb and not there for you when you left. You must have felt so alone. How did you find yourself in SanFran? Last I heard you were in Albuquerque.  

All my love,  

Holly 

Dearest Holly, 

You have nothing to apologize for. If anything, I am sorry that I allowed my desperation for a companion overshadow the life you've lived. You should never have had to go through that and I'm so sorry I wasn't there. I'm happy to hear that you have found yourself in such a hub of activity! With you being so outgoing, I'm sure it will only be a matter of time before you are feeling at home.  

When I first left, I headed straight for Albuquerque. It seemed like such a big city at the time, far enough away from home that I could get a head start if my father ever tried to find me. I kept my parents in the dark about my early graduation plans because I wanted to take them by surprise, and it worked. I'm sorry that I didn't come to say goodbye. A note is a cruel way to end things with someone.. Cards on the table, I was afraid you'd stop me, and I knew I couldn't ask you to come with me. Anyway, Sam had some friends that were gracious enough to lend me a couch to crash on. I ran some errands every now and then until I got a job waitressing. Turns out being mousy is a hit in the (not so big) city. Tips were good enough to put me through business school. 

After that it's relatively basic. I kept to myself for the most part and I relocated to Oklahoma for a year or so after graduating. That's where I made an impression on this really talented designer. She took me on as her personal assistant and moved me to live down the street from her. I've really only been here about 6 months and I'm just now starting to feel settled. Say, when you get settled in you should come visit me. I can show you all those wonderful things I used to dream up.  

Until we meet, 

Robin 

Oh Robin, 

I can't imagine how scary that must have been at 17! I was worrying about finding a cheap enough dress and learning how to drive. You were always leagues ahead of me when it came to understanding adult stuff. I guess I blamed you a little unfairly for that when we were younger. It's funny how even a couple of years will make all that seem so silly.  

Wow, Oklahoma? I had no clue! How was it? I had a few friends who visited some relatives in Oklahoma, and they said the weather was to die for. I mean they started talking about retiring up there. I'll tell you one thing's for sure- I am not built for Chicago winter. They don't call it the windy city for nothing. I can't believe it's this cold in APRIL. I've started job hunting in other cities because I don't think I can do this again in August or June or whenever it is that the Winter invades. 

Were you serious about my visiting? Because truthfully, I have been looking into the weather there and I think you might have the right idea about California. The reason I even went into accounting was so that I could find a job wherever suited me. That and math was really the only class I didn't struggle in. I only ask because, well, it turns out I find Chicago's people to be rude! And it would be nice to be close to someone I care about... 

XOXO, 

Holly 

Holly, 

I've only ever met one person from Chicago but I can agree that they were the worst conversationalist I've ever met. Granted he was a man, but it's clear that social niceties were not taught in school. Oh no, we're turning into our mothers. 

Oklahoma was beautiful and the weather was mild. I can understand why someone would want to retire there, but I never really settled if I'm being honest. I was always looking for home and it just wasn't there. I think San Francisco is closer to home, but I've definitely had trouble making friends.  

I really think you'll enjoy it here. It's still a city, but things move a bit smoother here. Everyone rushes around until a breeze wraps you up in this warm hug and all you can do is enjoy it. It's hard to be rude when you live in the most beautiful city in the states. I'd really like to see you. You could even come stay with me for a while, while you job search. I can’t imagine you staying in the cold much longer, knowing how grouchy you get in the evenings. I could make you breakfast like I used to, if you still eat 3 egg omelets every morning.  

XOXO, 

Robin 

Robin, 

I haven’t had an omelet like yours in years. I think your right. Chicago is not for me. I've settled things with my landlord and my boss even offered me a reference! I think he could tell how unhappy I was. My train will be arriving the Friday after next. I can’t wait to see you. 

Kisses,  

Holly