Slices

Six weeks. That’s how long it has been since Cynthia last saw her daughter. She could still feel her presence in the house. Her scent still lingered in her room. Cynthia was missing her daughter more than usual that Sunday so she stepped into her room just to feel more connected to her daughter. It has been different stepping into her daughter’s room for the past six weeks. Cynthia sat on the bed and zoned out after a while and she was recollecting all those memories she shared with her daughter over the years.

The memory of her daughter holding her index finger with her whole palm right after birth was still fresh in her mind. Her first word; the first step she took; the fracture she sustained on her left elbow after a fall while playing with her elder brother; everything came flashing in front of Cynthia’s eyes.

After a good silent half an hour, Cynthia zoned back in. While Cynthia was trying to get up from the bed, she felt a hard object underneath the mattress that she was sitting on. The mattress didn’t feel as springy as it was supposed to be. She lifted up the corner of the bed where she was sitting and found a book lying there. She immediately recognised the book as Cynthia was the one who gifted the diary to her daughter on her sixth birthday. Cynthia has not seen the diary since then and she thought her daughter would have forgotten about it too. Cynthia remembered telling her daughter that she may not necessarily write every single day but write when she feels like it. It came as a surprise to her that her daughter was still holding on to it.

She knew she was not supposed to open it but she could not hold back. Her daughter was gone. So, what was the point in refraining from letting herself into her daughter’s world that she has not been before. Cynthia opened the diary and saw four stick figures on the cover page. The two tall stick figures were labelled Mommy and Daddy while the other two shorter stick figures were labelled as Alan and Me. It looked like a proper happy family. Cynthia definitely missed those simpler times when life was all about just the four of them. Cynthia flipped the page and began reading her daughter’s diary.

29 May 1993

Dear diary, today is my sixth birthday. I feel very happy. Daddy bought a ‘Mickey Mouse cake’ for me. I ate 2 slices. It was very nice. Mommy gave me this diary. Alan did a dance performance for me dressed up as Michael Jackson. I love mommy, daddy and Alan. Good night.

13 June 1993

Dear diary, I watched ‘Jurassic Park’ today. It was very scary to see big dinosaurs. Daddy said all of them died long time ago. Thank god! If not, it could have killed all of us. Alan said he saw one dinosaur in the zoo last year and it might break out and kill all of us. I told mommy but mommy said Alan was kidding. I don’t like Alan.

15 February 1994

Mommy hit me today but I don’t know why. I am sad.

My teacher taught me in school today that another word for leg is shin. I wanted to show mommy that I learned a new word. After coming back from school, I purposely kicked a chair when mommy was looking and yelled ‘oh my shin’. Mommy hit me and asked who taught me that word. I said teacher taught me. She was angry and wanted to call teacher and scold her. I was scared. I pleaded to mommy that I will only say ‘leg’ after this and will not use any other words. Mommy asked me to repeat what I said earlier. I was scared to say since she got angry the first time. But she kept asking so I told her that I said ‘oh, my shin’ and I was sorry and I should have said ‘oh my leg’. Mommy hugged me and said she was sorry. She was not angry anymore. But I still don’t know why she hit me earlier. I don’t like mommy.

31 December 1999

I was playing ‘Need for Speed’ in my computer. Mom was scolding me as usual for playing games in my computer and was asking me to study instead while I was ignoring her as usual. Dad came back home from the bank and told that starting from tomorrow computers won't work. He told me that computers will stop working all around the world from tomorrow due to some system error. I was sad that I might not be able to play games anymore in my computer. I asked dad to fix it but he said if I keep playing games in computer without studying, I might never be able to play games in computer forever. I don’t like daddy.

17 July 2007

Dear diary, it has been a while I wrote. At one point, I thought it was lame to write a diary but today felt like a day that I should be writing. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind since mom and dad split. I am thankful that they finally split though; I couldn’t take all those swear words and abuses anymore.

It has been more than six months since I last saw dad. Living with mom has not been great either. All those curfews and restrictions make me feel like I am living in a prison. Alan moved out when he turned 21 and now, I am stuck with mom alone. I can’t wait to move out and live on my own in another year when I turn 21.

Anyway, those were not the things that made me want to write today. I got a brand-new iPhone today! I was pleasantly surprised to receive a parcel from dad and was over the moon when I saw the iPhone. It has been the best gift I have received so far in my whole life. I called dad to say thank you. We were talking for quite a while. He said he will try to come and meet me in a few weeks if he is free as currently, he is caught up with his new family and his new-born son.

25 June 2009

Dave finally kissed me yesterday. He invited me over to his place tonight to smoke up and play Michael Jackson songs as a tribute. I am so excited for tonight. If everything goes well, tonight might be the night; keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for something magical.

The problem is what do I tell mom? If I tell her I am going over to Dave’s place, she will freak out and probably will ground me. The easy way out is to sneak out after she goes to bed and come back before she is up. Yes! That’s what I will do. OMG! Can’t wait for tonight.

29 August 2009

I got to know today that Dave cheated on me. I feel like a worthless pile of crap. When I confronted Dave, he dismissed me like I was a disposable trash. That’s exactly how I felt. He said he doesn’t love me anymore and glad that I found out so that he can finally move on with his life. He was my world and my whole world just shattered in front of my eyes when he said that. I could not speak another word and I just left.

I wish I could lie on mom’s shoulder and cry my hearts out. But she doesn’t have time for all these anyway. I don’t know what else to do. All I have with me now is a slice that I got from my plug earlier today. Probably I might just smoke it up and gather some courage to slit my wrist. I don’t see the point to live anymore. Who am I kidding? I don’t have anyone anyway.

Actually, it feels like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulder to think that today will be my last day in this world. I have no expectations to meet and no people to please. It feels like a liberation.

Anyway, mom and dad, if you are reading this, I am sorry for everything; even though none of you deserve my apology. Bye.

*

That was the end of the diary. Cynthia closed it as tears rolled down her cheek. Now she knew the cause of her daughter’s suicide. It felt more painful than not knowing at all. It was too late now. She wished she never opened the diary in the first place.