Answers in the Mirror

It was a crisp fall morning, signs of the storm that had pelted the town during the night were everywhere. A fallen tree branch lay in the Sullivan’s yard; puddles lined the street, water droplets, fat from feasting during the night, were on every car. Brian had heard the rain last night, saw the streams of water pouring down when the sky was lit, momentarily, by flashes of lightning jaggedly cutting through the inky darkness.

Today was a new day though, and from his bed, Brian watched the color of the sky gradually lighten, eventually becoming the salmon pink dawn sky that it was now. Maybe he would be able to leave the house for the entire day today. It had been a long time, over four months, since he had been able to be out of the house for more than a few hours. His therapist told him that it was normal, not to worry about it. Perhaps, he thought, the sun’s rays would bring some much-needed warmth to the deepest reaches of his soul too.

 If today was a good day, he thought, he might even be able to return a phone call from Mark and Sarah. Maybe. He owed them a phone call, if for no other reason than to let them know that he was still alive, but he knew how much of an effort that call would take. Brian wasn’t sure that he was ready for that yet. He knew that he needed to make that call, but it was much easier to find an excuse not to make the call than it was to find a reason to make it.

Though dawn was just beginning to break, he was already dreading the night later and the darkness that it brought; he had that in spades. Night, when he should be sleeping and resting was when the memories and nightmares alike filled his thoughts. Sometimes, it was hard to distinguish one from the other. Also, during the night is when she came. Veronica.

*****

Brian and Veronica, along with their friends Mark and Sarah, were taking advantage of the long holiday weekend and had planned a parent’s only get-away. Grandparents were arranged to watch grandchildren for Mark and Sarah; Brian and Veronica were trying for their first child, but they had not found success yet.

Sarah’s parents owned a massive, six-bedroom chalet that sat below the tree line on the hillside. Built to resemble a log home, the chalet boasted a wraparound porch extending from the front deck down each side of the house, like the runways strutted by models. The front deck itself was the size of a two-car garage and was angled so that there was nothing obstructing the view of the lake that lay a half-mile down the hill.

“You’re late!” Mark cried, taking a pull from his beer.

“We got lost,” Brian called back.

“Liar,” Mark said. “You have been here too many times to have gotten lost. Need I remind you that we had to make sure that the twins were all set before we could leave? And you know how many times Sarah’s parents have watched them.”

“Need I remind you,” Brian responded, “that the two of you dart out of your house as soon as either your parents or hers, pull into the driveway. At least have the decency to let them shut the car off before you leave the house.”

“Fair point, my friend. I will agree to that if you will agree to stop giving me this excuse about getting ‘lost’ and just say it like it is. You two were having another go at baby-making 101 before heading out.”

“Mark!” Sarah exclaimed.

“Well, he’s not wrong, Sarah,” Veronica responded once her laughter died down.

“Come on, inside with you,” Sarah said. “We have a lot to talk about” and led Veronica inside.

“Have a seat, I’ll be right back,” Mark said.

Sitting down in one of the Adirondack chairs, Brian stretched his legs out, closed his eyes and absorbed the warmth from the early afternoon sun.

“Here” Mark said, handing Brian a cold beer. “How are things?”

“Work is work, as always, but things aren’t too bad there. I’m married to the most amazing woman in the world. We haven’t gotten pregnant yet but you know, if you are going to be a failure at something, that isn’t a bad thing to fail at” he said, laughing. “We’ll get there eventually but until then, I am not complaining!” Brian responded.

“Indeed, you are a lucky man, as am I” Mark said to his friend.

“Yes, you are too” said Brian, echoing the sentiment.

The weekend went by in a blur. Kayaking on the lake, a campfire Saturday evening along the lake shore, and hikes highlighted the trip. It was exactly what everyone needed, the perfect break from the daily grind, a mental reset just before winter arrived.

Brian and Veronica pulled away from the chalet, headed down the gravel driveway and back to the main road, starting their trek home. Glancing over, Brian noticed a somewhat distant look on Veronica’s face as she looked out of her window.

“What’s on your mind, sweetheart?”

“Oh, you know, the usual. I’m not looking forward to being back in the office. Darrin will be back this week, and you know how annoying he can be. No one can stand him, but he is the son-in-law of the owner, so there is nothing we can do about it.”

“I know, dear. Maybe I can keep your mind distracted.”

“Oh? And how do you propose to do that?”

A mischievous grin emerged, much like that of the Cheshire Cat in the Disney movie, Alice in Wonderland. “Well,” he said, “I expect to keep your mind distracted with a lot of baby-making magic.”

“Hmm, are you sure that would work?” Veronica asked.

Brian’s jaw dropped, his eyes doubling in size said “wow. Talk about hitting below the belt.”

Unable to hold her poker face any longer, shrieks of laughter erupted from Veronica. “Why don’t you get us home and we will see if you are all talk or if you can back up your boasting.”

“Yes, ma’am!” Brian said, increasing his speed by a few miles an hour.

As they drove along, Veronica began to lightly rub her fingers, absentmindedly, on the inside of Brian’s knee and lower thigh, looking forward to getting home and then, a bit of fun soon thereafter.

In the middle of a particularly tight curve in the road, tragedy struck. The right rear tire blew out from the pressure the car placed on it as it was traversing the curve. The rear of the car began to slide out from under Brian’s control despite his efforts to prevent it from sliding. When it reached the side of the road, the exposed rim caught in the ground, causing the car to barrel-roll twice before landing, heavily damaged, on what was left of its tires.

Brian awoke in the hospital two days later. Mark and Sarah were in chairs in his hospital room, taking turns keeping a vigil over their friend. Sarah was the first to see his eyes open and rushed to the bed.

“Where am I?” Brian whispered; his mouth dry. “What happened?”

“You two were in an accident.”

           “How is Veronica?” he asked, the fog beginning to lift from his brain.

A doctor entered the room, Mark had gone to fetch him once Brian had opened his eyes. Glancing first at Sarah, then Mark, the doctor gave Brian the bad news. Though Veronica had been wearing her seat belt, her head had made strong contact with the windshield and passenger side window. The contact had created a large hemorrhage within her brain, and she was unable to recover from it.

*****

           Brian shook his head like it was a super-sized Etch-a-Sketch, a few shakes and you could start over, and tried to clear the memories of four months ago. It didn’t work, the memories were still there. Shame and guilt, survivor’s guilt his therapist called it, began creeping into the edges of his mind. He no longer tried to fight the feelings either, he let them flow and as the shame and guilt flowed, so did his tears.

           The phone rang and, checking the caller-id, he took a deep breath and made a decision.

           “Hello” Brian said, unsure which one would be on the other end.

           “Brian, we’ve been so worried about you,” Sarah said, the warmth in her voice was clear, unmistakable.

           “Um, thanks. I appreciate it, really, I do. It’s just that…..”

           “I know, Brian, I know. We miss her too.” Holding back her own tears, she said “Please, know that we are here for you; we will help you in any possible way that we can.”

           “Okay. Thank you. Look, I apologize Sarah, this is still pretty tough for me. I will call you guys this weekend, I promise” Brian said, ending the phone call.

           Taking a second deep breath in as many minutes, he got up, went into the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face. Not for the first time, he thought to himself, that if he had not been in such a hurry to get them home, this would not have happened.

           Holding onto the bathroom sink with one hand, he closed his eyes again, splashed more cold water on his face then dried it. Tilting his head back, he screamed “I’M SORRY!!!!” to no one other than himself. Brian looked at his reflection in the mirror, saw the bloodshot eyes and the deep purple bruises. Along with the weight loss, this was the toll that the loss of Veronica had exacted on him.

           He turned away from the mirror, not wanting to look at his own reflection any longer than was necessary when something caught his eye. Thinking that he had seen movement but knowing that it was impossible, he turned back nonetheless. Looking at his reflection again, there over his left shoulder, he saw her.

           “It was not your fault” he heard her say. “Don’t do this to yourself. I can’t move on until I know that you can move on, so please, let me go so that I can go. I love you, Brian.”

           Brian blinked his eyes and she was gone but now, an invisible weight was gone from him too.