One Squared

Back to square one. What else is new? But I don't want to approach this negatively. I want to change or continue to change. Pivot. How do I do that, is the question? How do I not fall into the same old responses and reactions? How do I learn? If I'm not being taught in a manner in which I can retain and reuse. How do I make a repeated lesson worth the effort to process and complete it; without returning to square one. I know what the phrase means, but I am getting frustrated by the intent of all words in general now. That can't be a good thing. A positive thing. Back to square one.

Maybe I should pivot. I lost something I worked hard for, but it wasn't something I truly wanted. I thought it was a stepping stone that could facilitate what I needed. That was the intent behind the effort, but now I'm back to square one. Although I made the right decisions this time. I went through the appropriate thoughts to make the emotions logical. It was for the best. I have to tell myself this wasn't a step back. I didn't hopscotch and run out of breath and exhaust myself into a mistake to end up back to some beginning. No. I thought ahead, planned ahead. I scrabbled and adapted through the uncontrollable but stayed course. Still, I ended up back to square one. I don't want to introduce karma into this or any type of misplaced blame, but it doesn't seem fair. That feeling of unfairness is a different type of ugliness when the ego is removed from the equation. It's deflating in a drawn-out way. Seeping out with terrifyingly unknown rapidness.

But back to square one. Let's approach this differently. I needed a redirect; I was stuck. It's a new square, a new beginning. One of many. And that is okay. That means a renewed chance to come at a problem or avoid an issue altogether. Maybe there was nothing there, and that's why it always feels the same. A reversal. I started this because I wanted to get somewhere other than where I was, physically, metaphysically, and emotionally. I want to shift universes where the squares are circles. That'll do it. Wings of a bat are affecting electricity costs because they're flying too close to the light switches connected to the sun, causing a recession. The people have gone pale, cold, and deficient in nutrients, work schedules have changed, the moth effect. Back to circle one.

That didn't help at all, back to where I started.

I've lost many things I've worked hard for but didn't want but was told it was needed, and each time I've felt the loss twice fold. Once for the time and second for the failure of another life task. I was taught to hold on tight. But I can't feel my fingers anymore. I don't even know what it is I am holding onto. I was told once it was precious, and you can't let those things go. But it's hurting me. When the feeling returns to my fingers, and I can loosen my grip, readjust, and stretch, it slips right through my grasp. If I'm lucky enough to catch it, I am left with a searing pain and an open wound, as if I tossed a knife and lost awareness if I was catching the handle or the blade. Either way, what is one to do but start back at square one?

I feel like I'm going in circles. But you can spin and move forward at the same time. Orient yourself along the way when there's a wobble or a skip. It's hard to naturally spin along when you're told to flip. I find flipping without support one of the hardest things to do. Some find it easier than walking or spinning. I strive to be a person who can walk, spin, and flip whenever, but most days, I can barely stand. I feel disqualified from the start. This was the race I was told to enter; this was the direction everyone seemed to be running, some with leisure even. When I came upon this race, I wondered why are we running? Where are we running to? Is there a prize at the end of all of this? Every passerby I ask can't give me a straight answer. But when you hear "because" enough times, a reason will fill in the blank. Even if it is just because. This confused me more than anything. I feel like I never even started. I feel like I'm right back to - well, we all know.

Even though, this time, I am actually fumbling ahead, chaotically running, tripping, turning, falling, crawling, stumbling, walking, jogging, running, yet again...

My legs are tired, and everyone seems to be breaking off in masses toward various locations now. There are too many turns I can't see, and I don't know which race I'm supposed to follow. We ran in the same direction for so long that I wasn't aware this wasn't a straightforward thing. Why do some of us have maps with detailed or simplified instructions? Did I miss when all this was explained? What if I am the only one that goes in a circle? Now that’s illogical. Every move I make seemingly against my will feels this way. I ask myself, is that an immature way of thinking? Have I not learned? I’ve been turning the only way I know how, from what I've seen, chosen to follow. Why did I even go this way? There was a start somewhere, a line, a circle, a square. That's the point of races, to set boundaries and continue to try until you've beaten every time.

Especially your own.

I don’t want to be in this race anymore.

I’m always forced back to my own pace because that is precisely what it is, my own. I feel trained for someone else’s body. Taught with someone else’s words. My dreams aren’t even my own when I recite them in the daytime. Regulating the truth to the only privacy that feels genuine when I am alone and asleep. Left to my own thoughts, feelings, and dreams. When my pillow smells of lavender and the rumbling cityscape somewhere in a thunderstorm recycle from my phone. There is a clicking in the fan and a hum from the humidifier. These are things I am grateful for. I sink into my mattress, and the sheets need changing. The television light annoys me, so I shut it off, but my eyes don’t close. My weighted blanket toes the line between suffocating and comforting, but I don’t have the strength to be bothered. How could I be this bothered, though? But what else is new? I didn’t want to come in with a negative heart, but I have. I let it affect what I enjoy the most: my peace of mind. Back to square one.