I am Liza

I am Liza

        On the Friday night before Christmas, Dan (the man I had just started dating) and I had been to see a movie that was so ridiculous that we spent the rest of the evening making fun of the stupid film dialogue. I laughed until mascara was running down my face. We made fun of that movie until 3:30 in the morning!

By the time Dan left, I was so tired that I merely dabbed cold dream on my face, pulled on my long-sleeved, floor-length nightgown. The nightgown was printed all over with a kitten wearing a Santa cap. I fell into bed.

My daughter, Jensen, was waking up that next morning to go take an Advanced Placement test in Spanish. Thank goodness my daughter was responsible and could drive herself to the test!

It seemed as if I had no sooner fallen into the arms of Morpheus when I was startled awake by a phone call from Jensen.

“Mom, I forgot my driver’s license, and they won’t let me take the test without it,” Jensen said. After telling me where her license was, she urged, “Hurry!”

I jumped out of bed, and grabbed an old, paint-spattered T-shirt with a non-removable coffee stain down the front in the shape of Italy. I didn’t even bother to take off my nightgown when I put on the T-shirt.

I then pulled on a pair of beat-up capri pants. These pants had a jagged rip from above the right knee almost to the hem, and grayish nubs all over that no lint roller could tame. But, the pants were so comfortable that I could not bear to part with them, telling myself they were fine if I just wore them around the house. Now, getting ready to leave the house in these pants was necessary because of the need to get to Jensen quickly.

I located Jensen’s license, then quickly grabbed a pair of novelty sunglasses to wear. The sunglasses had dark lenses, surrounded by pink, green, purple, and red plastic frames.

Recently, I had permed my hair to try to achieve a better look than that provided by my naturally straight hair. On this morning, every bit of my hair was corkscrewing out from my head in various directions, but I had no time for grooming. I rushed out the door with the white splotches of beauty cream still covering my face, wearing a ridiculous outfit complete with a nightgown underneath. 

Once I arrived at the school, I drove around to see if I could find an entrance or exit where Jensen might be standing to meet me. I tried to call Jensen, to no avail.

           A police officer approached me to ask what I was doing. When I explained, he was able to radio into the school and find out that Jensen had been allowed to take the test when a teacher vouched for her identity.

           “Thank you,” I told the officer.

           “Ma’am, I usually do not comments on a woman’s looks, but you might want to start over for the day,” the officer said. I was not offended; he was right.

Once back home, I headed straight to bed, not bothering to change out of my weird clothes. It seemed as if I had no sooner fallen asleep than the doorbell was ringing. Not wanting the morning sun to hurt my eyes, I threw on the plastic sunglasses to answer the door. 

A USPS delivery man stood at the front door and said, “I have a package which needs to be signed for by Liza Sharon.” I noticed that his name tag identified him as Kevin.

My best friend Mardi had alerted me that she was sending me a Christmas gift via USPS, and that she had set it up as a return receipt, so I knew this must be that gift.

I opened the screen door and reached toward Kevin for his pen.

“Where do I sign?” I asked.

Kevin eyes opened wide in surprise. I noticed him looking at my face, then my outfit. I saw his eyes lower all the way down to my nightgown sticking out below my capri pants.

“Is Liza here?” He asked. “I need Liza to sign for this package.”

Obviously he did not think I was Liza. I said, “ “I am Liza.”

Kevin looked at me in my condition and said, in a soft and caring voice, “It’s okay, honey. Can you get your Momma for me?”

“I am the Mom in this house,” I said.

“Sure you are,” he said, gently. “Sure you are. But I need to talk to a grown-up.”

That’s when I realized that due to my appearance, he thought I was someone suffering from some type of mental disability.

“Look, I’ll prove to you that I am who I say I am,” I said. “Hold on.”

I went to get my driver’s license, then brought it back to the front door where Kevin was still standing.

I handed Kevin my driver’s license.

Kevin stared at the photograph on my license for a long time. Finally, he sighed and said, “Okay, sign.”

After I signed and had the package, Kevin began to walk away, shaking his head.

Maybe it was Kevin’s head shake, but all of a sudden, I had an overwhelming desire to validate myself. The first thing that came into my sleep-deprived brain, however, was to think of last night’s date.

“Not only am I Liza, but I have a boyfriend, too!” I shouted after Kevin. As soon as the words left my mouth, I realized they were all wrong.

Kevin turned toward me, and his sympathetic smile indicated that he did not believe me at all. Kevin continued his journey away from me back to his mail truck. I was in too deep at this time, and I had this human need to be believed, to be more than what my looks would indicate. I wanted Kevin to know that there was someone out there who accepted me. Even though Kevin had not been impressed by my first attempt at validation, I then stated, “His name is Dan.”

For some odd reason, I then added, “And I have a best friend named Mardi!”

As Kevin’s walk away from me continued, I couldn’t overcome an irresistible urge to yell out, “Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, Emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old savings and loan!” I can only justify this turn of events as being caused by sleep-deprivation.

Kevin stopped, turned around to look at me, then broke into a big smile. “That’s from It’s a Wonderful Life,” he said.

“Yes,” I said. “I know. Merry Christmas to you, Kevin!”

Kevin looked at me in such a way that made me think he still thought I was mentally unstable, but at least, he was a kind man. And, obviously, he knew a good movie when he saw one, too.

“Merry Christmas, Liza,” Kevin said.

Through those few words, all was right with the world again.