The lonely road that I've taken

 In April of the year 2021, I remember feeling like something was going to go wrong. Somehow, someway, some shape or form, I'm going to mess up. 

 A few years ago, during my 8th-grade year, I went to this church that felt like home to me. Everyone, there was welcoming, very kind, and shows respect and pure kindness that just makes the church a whole lot easier to get comfortable in. I made close relationships, in the Youth events, which soon became my life-long friendships.

 The church is possibly the only reason why I'm still here. going forward in time, my first boyfriend in my freshman year, was the worst mistake to be with, but there's no way of predicting his actions and overall power over me. I'm disgusted at the fact many people I have come across in life that has taken advantage of me. Taken advantage of my kindness. My first boyfriend knew my weakness. He'd ask me for photos of my baren chest, I was uncomfortable with this, and the most obvious response in this situation is to tell him to "buzz off". If only he took a hint... He knew that I was too kind to people, a "people-pleaser" if you will. So he'd take the easiest path to successfully take total control over me. He'd say that he will kill himself. One day I stood up for myself and said "no, this isn't right" I never forgot what he said to me. "I hope you know when you see my body hanging from my ceiling, on the suicide note, I'll be sure to put your name in bold." That's when I realized I got myself into some toxic person in my life, realizing he is using me for my looks, not for me. 

 During a group session that my church makes is something called Life Groups. He lived right down the street from the Life Group location, so I invited him. Unfortunately, that night was the night I found out that he was cheating on me with my best friend. I had to get picked up an hour early and pretty much told my mom everything that went down. 

 My piano teacher soon became closer to me than before. Her name is Mrs. Rae. She'd take me to lunch close to home, my parents trusted her with my life and I do miss seeing her smile again. I've taken her piano sessions pretty much every day until I hit my sophomore year in high school. Mrs. Rae and I were extremely close to one another. We are open to each other and completely honest with one another. This was also the time when the pandemic hit, so we weren't able to go out to eat together like we used to. 

 On December 21st, 2020, at the age of 70, she passed away in her room. Her kid and Mrs.Rae's granddaughter were trying to do their daily calling session since they live up north. They called her many times that day, but she wouldn't pick up. They reached out to Mrs. Rae's husband, showing great concern for her. He called the PD to do a wellness check. At first, they refused to go to the home, because they didn't have a warrant. "You better get into the damn house before I get someone else to break it down for you," said Calvin (Mrs.Rae's husband). They finally got into the house, but they were too late, they aren't sure how she passed, but all they saw was her lifeless body, just laying on the cold, hard tile. It took them a few months to find out how. They rand some tests to see if the possible outcome was due to an overdose or just system failure. A few years back, she had issues with her large intestine. She ate something that punctured a hole in her stomach and, I kid you not, exploded. She was hospitalized for 4 months, before returning home. Since that last hospital visit, she became weaker. They thought she passed on due to the same issue, because of the state her stomach was in since. However, it was taken to a darker turn. On March 17, 2021, they found a high amount of some sort of medication in her blood system. She committed suicide. I blamed myself. I just missed her. I still do. 

 All of that is important to know, the fact that important people in my life were just taken, and I feel terrible to not be there the support them, help them even. In April, everything turned on me. I worked in the fast-food industry for about a couple of months to help me save up for college, and so I can get myself outside more. Easter morning, I already requested a day of two weeks prior for notice, and they approved of it. I was still on the new schedule on that Sunday, So I called them to let them know that "I'm not going to be able to arrive" and on the other side of the line I hear "If you don't show up, then you're fired." I just was so fed up with that response. I just responded out of sheer reaction, "well, I guess I'm fired". Two days after that, on Tuesday, my boyfriend, who I have been with for a year and a Half at the time, told me that he attempted suicide because of the horrible "advice" his mom gave him. She also was so drunk that she couldn't put a filter in, she told him that the reason why they had a divorce is because of their children. That's when I broke down. My anxiety just worsened over time, I have been failing classes, the most important year in my high school career is being ruined because of how I think of myself. What I tell myself every day..." you're not good enough" "no one cares" "if you died right now, no one will notice.." and it keeps me up at night. It's hard enough as it is. I just wish I can switch it off.