“Live,” they said.

“Esmeray!” Clarance called out for her. The rain soaking his shirt and blurring his eyes. He had an unsettling hollowness lurking around his chest when he woke up finding the cold sheets and empty space beside him in the middle of the night. He hadn’t bothered to take his coat and dashed out of the cottage. “Esmeray!” He shouted for her again. She could sense her, she was somewhere close. He convinced himself that she should be safe when he found her. If she’s in danger...He doesn’t know what to do anymore. 

Then he spotted a silhouette, limping, as if she had been possessed, towards the edge of the building. His heart caught up in his throat, he unclenched his fist ready to border off the rooftop with his eyes but he wasn’t allowed to do so in the human world. He cursed and ran up the emergency staircase. The rusted metal did not support his weight, the worn-off metal bent and screw came loose, but he did not stop. The time when he stopped going after Esmeray would be the day he died, or she chose to let him go. 

He made it to the door and kicked it open, sprinting to the figure stepping over the edge, ready to end her life. Clarance caught her by the elbow just in time, he tumbled backwards and fell on his back, hand protectively wrapped around the fragile girl. She was always fierce, but she is broken. 

“I’ve got you.” Clarance gasped, his eyes widened with shock. His heart drumming intensively, nothing has ever scares him as much. He had dreamt of death, but he had refused that hers would be real. 

He felt her body shaking, before she pushed away from his arms and scrambled away from him, she stood up and shook her head. 

Clarance pulled himself away from the ground, “What’s wrong?” He wanted to ask what she was thinking, but it wasn’t right. He reached out to touch her, but she flinched away. It was a hurtful movement, but he did not show because he couldn’t decide what was the right thing to say. He feared if he would only hurt her more, so he stayed in silence. Restraining emotions being shown has been his speciality. 

“I tried.” She turned away, the black hair with a streak of white waving in the wind. She never knew how breath-taking she looks, she was full of sadness and it’s eating her day by day. “I couldn’t.” She breathed. 

“What is it?” Clarance clenched his fist to stop himself from reaching for her. 

She looked down at her pale scarred palms that had been made for musical instruments instead of weapons and whispered through the loud rain, “I see all of her past, her sins, her power, her anger, her sadness, and my power.”

“I don’t think I can live.” She turned to look straight in Clarance’s eyes. That pair of green hazel eyes had emptied out as more time passed. 

“You can-” Clarance stepped forward, afraid that she would jump off again now that she’s so close to the edge. 

“I can’t!” Esmeray cried, the night sky above them crackled, lightning cutted the hazy sky. “Live! Everyone asked me to live! But how do I live while I’m dying?” She threw her hand in frustration. “I thought I could use my ability, save the world, have a purpose in life but all I brought to life is death!” Her lips trembled. “Deaths I couldn’t-” Her shoulders slumped downwards, “revive.” She clutched her face in her hands and hunched down to sob painfully, dropping down on her knees so hard he knew it’d bruise blueblack tomorrow morning.

He knew what he meant. She blames herself for everything, she saved him but failed to save others. She’s selfish, ignorant, naive, short-tempered, childish, none of those qualities fit her. He went forward and kneeled down, pulling her in for an embrace. 

“I’m tired, Clarance.” Esmeray muffled in her hands. “When will this end?”

Clarance has no answer, he wished he could make her feel better with a promised future and truth, but he couldn’t. Because life is unpredictable, one moment you learn to love, the second you learn to lose. You never know which is better or worse. “I know,” he muttered into her damp hair. “Nothing will ever end, but I will be here for you.”

He felt her sobbed harder, clutching at his shirt and burying her face into his shoulder. “I want to go home, Clarance.”

Clarance smiled faintly into her hair and chuckled weakly, it sound forced because he wasn’t happy at all when seeing her in this state. He lifted her up and carried her tired body back to the cottage, he muttered to her half-sleeping state, slumping against his chest. “You’re always home.”

When she had changed her clothes and dried her hair, she climbed into bed and curled herself in her blankets, pulling her knees close to her chest. Clarance entered her room after peeking if she had slept. He sat down gently at the edge of the bed and placed his hand over hers. He couldn’t leave her, not after tonight, he doesn’t want her to wake up from another nightmare realising nobody was there for her. 

Esmeray did not face him when she said, “All the deaths did not matter to me when you laid there lifelessly.” She shivered in his arms. “I could only think of you, that was all it matters to me.”

“I was so scared.” Her fingers trailed with his and squeezed. “I don’t know when I became so...needy. I thought you were still dead, all of this.” She rolled on her back to look at him, “You’re just an illusion.”

She has been scared of losing him. All this while, how could he not have noticed? He always thought her past memory was the one big thing that was bothering her, but he was one of her worries too. That day when she revived him, her screaming his name while he was distanced away, and couldn’t do anything to sooth the pain in her voice or to calm her down had shattered him in many ways possible. 

“I’m real, Theodare.” Clarance leaned closer to her and lifted her hand that’s still intertwining with his to press on his face. That warm tiny hands of hers burns his cold skin. 

Esmeray locked her eyes on his, her eyes getting watery. She whispered, “You’re not.”

They stayed exchanging gaze between each other, listening to their own breathings.

Clarance leaned closer, waiting for Esmeray to flinch or push him away, but she didn’t. He brushed his lips on Esmeray’s forehead and murmured, “You’re the reason I’m still alive, Esmeray.”