Flames to Dust

“What!” she screamed, pushing back her chair, causing it topple with the momentum. “How can you even say that? Get rid of it? It’s not a piece of furniture, Silvio!”  Jen couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. The man standing before her suddenly seemed like a stranger.  

“How could you even think I would want this?” he snapped back.

“This was supposed to be our treasure!” she yelled back, incredulously. “It would add to our beautiful life and make us.….whole.” Her flustered mind was trying to clutch at straws of reasoning but was drawing a blank.

Silvio paced across the room, his eyes burning with rage. Jen couldn’t believe this was happening. Her life was falling apart. Just that morning, she’d bounced all over the doctor’s room in excitement when she’d heard the news. His outburst was completely unsettling. She watched his face, expectantly, trying to calm herself down.

“Jen, tell me this isn’t serious,” he said, a steely edge in his voice. “I thought you were on the pill.” She saw the accusation in his eyes.

“… I am serious…I don’t know what happened.” She walked over to his side and took his hand in hers. She wasn’t sure why he was reacting this way. He let go of her hand and took a step back.

“I can’t …I don’t want a baby,” he formed the words decisively. She felt like the breath had been knocked out of her. 

“Honey, we’re married now. Why wouldn’t you want kids?” she asked, as if breaking things down would make it easier to discuss.

“I’ve never wanted kids,” he snapped, “How could you think I wanted this?”

“You never told me!” She was yelling again. With every word he uttered, she felt the fragile fabric of their lives crack. She didn’t know how many more cracks it could take.

“You never asked!”

Jen was shocked at his tone. Running her hand through her auburn hair, she took a deep breath, walked back to the abandoned dining table and forced herself to sit. In a placating voice, she murmured, “How about we finish dinner and talk about this later?”

She was trying to be the bigger person. She looked at him, the dim light from the street throwing shadows across his kind face which suddenly seemed unfamiliar to her. This was the man she’d fallen in love with. Six years! Her best friend since college and now her life partner. How did this fissure even happen?

 “No! There is nothing to talk about. I will not have kids…ever!” His ominous response to her olive branch left her speechless. He grabbed his jacket from the couch and headed for the door.

“Silvio, wait!” Jen pleaded before he could leave.

“I just…. I can’t be here right now,” he called over his shoulder. As the door slammed, Jen felt her perfect life come crashing down. She stood there, staring helplessly at the retreating back of the man who suddenly seemed like a stranger to her.

Unsure how long she’d been standing there, she snapped out of her reverie and looked outside. The street was empty. A villainous stray cat ambled towards the trash can in the yard, but Jen didn’t have the energy to chase it away. The argument had drained her – physically and emotionally- and she was no closer to solving the issue. She didn’t know what this incident meant. Or how they would move on from it.

Pulling herself together, she headed for a hot shower hoping it would shake off the numbness that had gripped her. Once done, she came out and looked at the antique clock her grandmother had gifted them for their engagement. It was midnight. She moved to the window and peered outside, still nobody in sight.

Changing into her nightgown, she walked to her bed and lay down. Sleep eluded her. She tossed and turned, memories of the evening burning through her mind. What had just happened? Where had it all gone wrong?

She remembered standing in the kitchen, excited as she’d waited for Silvio to return. It was all she could do to keep from calling him the moment she’d got the news knowing he was in a meeting. She’d heard the key turn in the front door. Silvio had walked towards her and wrapped his arms around her waist, his lips finding their way to her neck causing waves of pleasure to roll down her spine.

“Mmm…..how do you still do this to me?” she’d asked, half-jokingly, turning into his arms and moving in for a kiss.

“You mean you thought the romance would die after 8 months of marriage?” he’d asked, feigning surprise. She remembered him teasing her as he’d nuzzled her neck, his arms holding her tight.

She’d laughed. It had been 8 months already! To her, it still seemed like the first time they’d met six years ago. Silvio had convinced a classmate to drop out of Jen’s dissertation group so that he could work with her, and do a lot more than work, whenever time permitted. Even now, the effort he’d put in made her smile, a warm fuzzy feeling spreading in her stomach.

She sighed. Life had been a whirlwind since then. They’d spent days together, balancing studies and later work, but always finding time to roll back into each other’s arms at the end of the night. A habit that hadn’t changed one bit….until today, she thought despondently.

They had then sat down to eat. She’d grabbed a bottle of wine, it was something they always took recourse to, either to celebrate major wins or to drown out excruciatingly disappointing days. It was the one item they religiously replenished.

“You read my mind,” Silvio had said, smiling tiredly, as she poured the wine. “The meeting didn’t go as planned,” he’d continued, digging into the lasagna. “They said the pitch needed work and that they are currently unable to provide any increments due to the pandemic.” His disappointment was apparent.

“I’m sorry,” Jen had whispered, knowing how much he’d been looking forward to the promotion. They’d been discussing buying a house of their own soon and he was working really hard to move up the ladder so they could do that.

“But I’ve got news that will make you feel better,” she’d said, taking his hand across the table. Till then, things had been fine, she realised.

He’d looked at her, catching the excitement in her voice and laughed. “I don’t know how you do it but you always have a way of brightening the bad days,” he’d murmured affectionately, planting a light kiss on her cheek.

Jen had drawn in a deep breath and with excitement pumping through her, she’d blurted, “We’re pregnant!” That’s when everything began to go downhill.

She felt a lump rise in her throat now. Could he really not want a baby? The sound of footsteps on the pavement outside dragged her away from her thoughts. It was him! She recognised that easy-going gait anywhere.

He walked in. Jen remained in bed, unmoving. Silvio stood silently at the doorway his shadow reflecting his every move. A slight hesitation in his step, he entered the room, picked up a blanket lying on the bed and left. Jen strained her ears to catch his movements. She heard him walk into the adjacent guest room. The bed creaked as he got into it.

She let out her breath. Her stomach was knotted to the point of being painful. He’d not even said goodnight! Sitting up in bed, she tried to gather her thoughts. She walked out into the living room, grabbed a glass of water to calm her jittery nerves and moved to the guest room.

Silvio sat at the writing desk, his head in his hands. The sheets on the bed lay ruffled. She realised he couldn’t sleep either. This thought brought her some comfort. 

“Hey,” she said, quietly.

“Hey,” he replied, unmoving.

She walked over to his desk and took his face in her hands. “I’m sorry about earlier,” she apologised, pleading, looking for some sign of a truce.

His blank gaze disconcerted her. “I know,” he said, “that went out of hand,” he mumbled.

“Could we… maybe…?” she ventured, not sure how to broach the subject.

“Listen Jen,” he said, finally looking up. She saw the pain that lay behind his eyes. He moved his hand and wrapped it round her waist, pulling her onto his lap. “I won’t change my stand on kids…” he started.

The finality in his voice was like a slap to her face. She got up in surprise.

“No! Please, listen.” He begged, pulling her close again. She relented.

“I did not have a great childhood, Jen,” he began, sighing. This was harder than he’d expected. “Dad left at an early age and I don’t know what he was like. Maybe he was bad, maybe mom drove him away.” He looked straight at her. “All I had was my mom.”

“I know,” Jen whispered, aware that his mom had been his only support till he turned fifteen and decided to make a life for himself.

“My mom abused me, Jen, every single day,” he revealed, tears stinging his eyes. “She’d come home drunk most nights….and yell if the day hadn’t been good.” His voice had begun to choke. “She’d first hit me but not where you’d notice. She’d make me drop my pants and…use a belt.”

Jen gasped. Why hadn’t he told her any of this before? She didn’t know how to respond.

Now the tears were silently pouring down his cheeks. “But that’s not even the worst part.”

“Silvio, I didn’t know,” she whispered, pulling him close. “But…”

“The worst part,” he interrupted, “was what came after. Every time she hit me, she’d do it until I cried but once I did, she’d feel bad and would begin to ….to make it up. She’d start fondling me, pull me to her room and abuse me…sexually,” he whispered, his voice breaking at the last word.

Jen’s eyes widened. This was a revelation she had not expected.

“Oh Silvio..” she cried, tears stinging her own eyes as she buried her face in his. “Why didn’t you leave?”

“Where could I go?” he asked crassly. “I had no dad, we were in a locality away from any of dad’s family. All I had was her.” He brushed the tears off his face with the back of his hand.

The room had turned dark as the moon slipped behind the clouds. The darkness and the revelation added an eeriness to the whole thing. Jen waited for it all to sink in. She took a deep breath and plunged ahead, knowing it was now or never.

“Babe, I didn’t know any of this and I’m sorry,” she said, looking straight into his eyes. “But you are not your mom or your dad. You will be a great father. I know it,” she said encouragingly, running a hand through his hair.

He stood abruptly, almost throwing her off. She felt the hostility that exuded from him.

“Do you not understand what I just said?” he yelled, a maniacal edge to his voice. His calm demeanour had disappeared.

“I do…but.”

“No buts!” I am not going to bring a child into this world. You need to get rid of it. I will not tolerate this bullshit anymore,” he roared, slamming his fist on the table.

Before she knew what was happening, Jen raised her hand and hit him across the face.

They both stood stunned.

“I will not ‘get rid’ of our baby, Silvio,” Jen said, in a quiet voice.

“You don’t understand….it was…horrible...,” he cried, almost begging, his anger swerving to desperation.

“Oh baby, I know,” she interrupted, moving towards him. He looked helpless. Shattered. She held him tight in her arms, his body shuddering as the sobs erupted. She placed gentle kisses all over his face trying to wipe away his tears. “Baby, I’m here,” she cooed softly, realising how traumatizing his childhood must’ve been.

She decided their discussion could wait another day. She held him close, kissing him soothingly on the lips as her fingers ran through his hair. As his sobs subsided, he started kissing her back, a desperate fervour in his actions. He slowly took her clothes off, carrying her into the bedroom as she held him tight, wanting him to know that she was there. As they climaxed and the tears subsided, she wrapped her arms around him and drifted off.

The last words she heard before her exhausted mind gave in was Silvio whispering, “I love you, Jen. I’ll always love you.”

A contented smile on her lips, she dozed off knowing everything would be alright.

The next morning, Jen arose feeling much better. The sense of gloom and foreboding that had haunted her the previous night had lifted. She turned in bed and saw the empty sheets. She decided to get up and see how her husband was doing before catching a few more minutes of rest.

She walked into the living room. He wasn’t there.

“Honey,” she called, too sleepy to check every room.

The silence struck her as odd. She walked into the kitchen. The coffee hadn’t been heated yet. She moved to the balcony. It was empty. A slight panic began at the back of her mind but she pushed it away. Her steps became frantic. She moved to the last room – the guest room. The crumpled sheets lay there just like yesterday. She noticed Silvio’s jacket and shoes were gone.

Jen stood trembling, knowing intuitively that something was wrong. Had he gone out to grab something? Had something happened? She took in the empty room, an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach. She slowly walked to the tabletop and ran her hand over its surface, the memories of last night coming back to her. Him, sitting there, head in his hands as she slithered towards him, an apology playing in her head. Then it had spiralled and now here she was, his scent, their scent all over the room, heated memories tucked into every corner – it was all that remained.

She dropped into the rosewood chair. It had been a recent splurge during an impromptu shopping spree they’d gone on two weeks ago. Her eyes settled on a small piece of paper tucked beneath a picture of them on the table.

The five words scribbled there hit her with the force of a blow. I can’t do this anymore. Clutching the piece of paper to her chest, she let the sobs take over.