It is what it is

I sat for hours thinking of what to say when he came home. The clock behind me ticking fiercely as I waited urgently leaning against the wall. As five o clock struck I heard the keys rattle against the creaking door my heart beat so aggressively into my chest like I knew if he said one word or spoke one lie I would just lose myself. I heard him call "Lil, you home?" as I stayed pressed against the wall. My eyes filling with every intention not to cry. I stayed there a while before he opened the door to our living room. "Why didn't you call back?" he said softly but just as confused. "I... I...." said as my words shattered into blurred speech again "Need to know..." I inhaled the oxygen like I was starving of hunger. I lifted myself up and showed him a image on my phone "Who is she?" I said so briefly. He stopped looking at me and looked away "She's my ex why?" I barely even knowing what to say replied "Why are you seeing her?" he pauses and looked to face me with horror and I could feel the words had struck him heavily. "What?" he snapped "Why would you think that?" I began to lose touch with my calmness and soon enough raised my voice to an aggressive tone "Well because you were seen with her today." He laughed and paused for a moment not even talking his eyes away from me "She's my fucking new manager." he replied aggressively "I can't be disrespectful just because she's an ex." I looked away as my eyes filled up with nothing but bitterness, rage and anger and screamed "Did you plan this? Make sure she got the job so you could be close to her?" I could see the horror in his eyes as I said this. "No, I have no say." he responded and before I knew it he threw the glass stood on the side against the wall harder than I've ever known him throw anything. "I'm leaving." he said calmly "I want nothing from you anymore." I screamed in horror "Because you are fucking her and I caught you out." I picked the nearest object and threw it at him. He ducked and looked at me in pure terror "You're crazy, fucking crazy. You could have killed me." he screamed. I laughed a little and said in response still screaming "You're cheating om me with her. Do you think I fucking care?" I dropped my phone and as I was about to run out of the room he turned and said "This isn't about me. It's about you, you cheated." I turned and faced him in horror "What did you just say?" I said as the tears flowed down my eyes "You think I cheated?" he nodded and replied "My best friend told me everything. The fact you dissappeared for days was because you was with him." I swallowed my words back but with enough courage was able to say "Yes, I did.... Alright... Least I admit it." he laughed and replied "It is what it is... I guess." Brushing past me he slammed the door harder than I've ever imaged. I fell to the floor and cried. I didn't just cry because I loved him but because I knew he was right that I had betrayed him and then had the audacity to accuse him of something I had already done behind his back. I stayed in the same spot for hours until I heard the front door knock aggressively. I lifted my fragile body up and walked towards it as I opened it I saw his best friend Chris stood holding a box of my belongings. He looked shaken but also just as white as I did. I took the box off him and told him to come in. Leading him into the living room where he aggressively pulled me in for a kiss. It felt nice for a while to be able to stop myself from thinking and just live in the moment. I let go suddenly though and signalled for him to stop before I said "What are you doing here?" he briefly replied "I came to see you because I need to tell you something." I being startled but feeling anxious asked "What is it?" I turned to look in his direction with tears rolling down my cheek as he sighed a little replied softly "Matt recorded your argument earlier....he wanted to pretend he just found out about us." I breathed heavy for a moment and paused feeling like my world had come crashing down heavy. "Wait... What? Why would he do that?" I responded nearly feeling a weight like no other against my shoulders appear out of nowhere as I squeezed my side tightly trying not to cry. "Well..." he said softly but without a moment to spare "Because the argument between you two wasn't really about either of you cheating. He wanted to make it look like it was so he could have an excuse to leave and be with Meg again." he replied "Wait.... Meg his ex?" I asked ready to crumble at the response "He's been seeing her all this time?" I asked with my eyes ready to burst from the flow of tears I'd been holding back "Why didn't he just say?" Chris sighed and shook his head "She was never his ex. You were his other woman. I couldn't bare to see you getting used like that and manipulated so i pretended between us we was having a love affair when really we were just seeing one another." Chris grabbed my hand "I love you Lilli but you're not mine or his to take for granted and when I saw him with Meg I just knew I had to distract you from the truth." I let go and walked to the window so effortlessly "He never loved me?" I asked "After all these years and memories?" I turned to Chris who was stood looking at me now with tears in his eyes as Matt suddenly walked into the room "No, I didn't Lil." Matt said softly "I used you to hurt Meg and I'm sorry." I fell down to the floor as my skin pressed against the carpet. I felt Matt and Chris kneel besides me with worried expressions in their faces looking at each other and back at me again "I'm so sorry..." I said softly to both of them "It is what it is... I guess." at the side of me laid a gun and as they both realised I had already pulled the gun to my head. Both of them backed away horrified as they both watched the gun being shot directly into my skull. I laid their dying with a blank expression the both of them horrified came kneeling besides me begging me to hold on to the world. In a weak yet youthful tone I said again "It is what it is... I'll be better off dead." in that instant I had taken my last breath. I lay lifeless against the blood stained carpet as I watched my blurry vision switch to a blackness. Chris and Matt both kneeled horrified and scared. Meg walking into the room letting out an ear piercing scream quickly calling for help as she realised I was dead. An ambulance came and took my corpse away but with it I left a trail of many regrets and memories that these three never forget. It's been five years since my death and Meg still hasn't forgotten about the moment she walked into that room and saw me. Matt and Chris both moved away and unfortunately for them they still have to live with not knowing what could have been. It is what it is right? Remember what I meant when I'm dead. Arguments sometimes don't always seem to be the original reason for them to start.