Lost and Found #reedsyencounter

Life in the closet was never easy, I hid myself from the world and I hated myself because of what, who I was. The world seemed so scary, so scary in fact that I’ve never told anyone about who I really was. Growing up in a strict Christian household didn’t help much either. The church told me God thought people like me were an abomination, something that was against nature. I was unnatural, something that was undeserving of Gods love.

Hearing these things all my life I pushed parts of me down, so far down into my subconscious that I was drowning. I had anxiety, depression and so much self hatred I could swim in it. All I ever wanted was to be able to breathe but it was impossible. I’ve never told anyone about my true feelings and I tried dating women my whole life. It never worked out and my friends and family would question me about my dating life from time to time. They’d say Jason you’re young and good looking why don’t you have a girlfriend yet. When are you going to give us grandchildren. When are you going to settle down and get married. I always had to lie to everyone. Giving everyone excuses about how I wasn’t ready or I had a lot going on, none of it was true of course so eventually I started cutting everyone out of my life.

Slowly but surely I was alone, and being alone while hating who you are isn’t a very good combination. But one day everything changed for me. I just turned 28 and I was walking my dog and I usually walk with my head down so no one will notice me, but this young handsome guy was walking towards me. I gave him a head nod and kept walking past him trying not to stare at him, noticing how attractive he is. As I walked past him he said “excuse me” I kept walking because I assumed he was talking to someone else but again “excuse me sir”. I turned around and said “yeah?” He jogged closer to me and asked “does she bite?” I looked down at my dog she’s big, brown and beautiful, I looked back up at this random guy and said “umm…no she doesn’t” “that’s good because I wanted to talk to you, if that’s alright”. “You do?” I said with suspicion in my voice. “Why?” He got closer “because I pass by you walking your dog every day and you always have your head down”. I was surprised by this I’ve never noticed this guy before and he was so handsome I was shocked by this. “You do?” He grinned at me with this charismatic smile that almost made me mad but made me blush instead. “You really never noticed we’ve walked by each other everyday for the past month?” I got pretty embarrassed by this. “Oh I’m sorry” I said. “Don’t apologize you seem like you have a lot going on, so I wanted to see if I could make your day a little better.” I smiled briefly and told him “thanks but yeah I’m fine, life you know” shrugging like it wasn’t a big deal.

See no one has ever noticed me, I’ve spent so much of my life trying not to be noticed because it’s to hard to hide who you are from people especially if you genuinely care for them. Caring hurts when people look at you but don’t actually SEE you but this guy he could see me and I’ve never had anything like this happen to me before.

I found myself taken back by his eagerness to talk to me. He asked me “do you care if I walk with you and your dog?” “Of course I don’t mind” surprising myself by saying that. About an hour into our walk we found ourselves sitting on a bench at the park. It was sunset and the stars were so bright. We live in the desert and there’s not a lot of people here, so the light pollution is minimal and you can see all the constellations. “That’s the Big Dipper” he pointed up, and that’s Orions Belt! I grinned at him and thought to myself this might be the best day I’ve had in a long time. As I smiled he locked eyes with me. “You have a great smile.” Again my face turning red as I couldn’t believe this random guy who I didn’t even know was treating me better than my family ever has. “Thanks man I really appreciate that.” “So what’s been on your mind so much” he asked curiously. I felt like I could be honest with him, sometimes there are things you can only talk to with a stranger and this felt like one of those moments. “Sometimes I don’t know who I am, I don’t know who I’m supposed to be.” He looked puzzled, “be whoever you want to be” he replied. “If you spend too much time caring about what other people think then you’ll never be the person you’re supposed to be.” I nearly broke into tears. “It’s not that easy” I said with a whimper in my voice. “Yeah, but wouldn’t it be nice if it was.” Tears ran down my face, he pretended not to notice.

He asked me “well, who do you want to be?” “I just want to be happy, I want to not hate myself and I want to be someone my family and friends can be proud of.” There was a long pause and he grabbed my hand. He held squeezed it tightly, “well I think we’re friends now and I like you if that helps at all.” He stared into my eyes and came closer to my lips. My heart started beating and my thoughts started to race. What is he doing? Does he know I’m Gay? Is he going to…..before I could finish my last thought he kissed me. Soft and gentle but tender, I was melting and so was all the anxiety and depression that I carried with me. I’ve never felt more alive in my life. He pulled back looked me dead in my eyes “how do you feel now?” I was frozen, I couldn’t move my lips to speak. I was almost in a kind of shock I’ve never experienced before. I forced myself to say something, to say anything. “That was….perfect.” Everything changed for me after that night. I’ve never felt happiness or peace like that before.

The joy was exhilarating and I could barely contain myself. This stranger didn’t even know me and they did something for me that my own family couldn’t. He made me feel like a person like someone who mattered and someone who was finally seen by another human being. No judgment just a person that didn’t have to hide themselves from the world. After that night everything changed. I came out the closet and even though my church kicked me out and my parents never spoke to me again, it was okay. I was okay and from that moment on I was finally able to breathe again. I’m someone who matters in this vast world and I’ll never forget that. #reedsyencounter